Daily Probe Exclusive In-Depth Report on the 9/11 Commission
Commission Undecided on Preventability of Attacks, Paper/Plastic Issue
WASHINGTON (DPI) - After a 20-month investigation, the commission charged
with investigating the events of 9/11 has released its report -- but,
citing an unwillingness to spur partisan controversy in an election year,
failed to conclusively state whether the attacks could have been
prevented. Also contained in the report was a reluctance to conclude
whether Neil Armstrong actually walked on the moon, whether the chicken or
egg came first, and whether to choose paper or plastic. One commissioner insisted
the report does contain some conclusions, saying, "We have found unquestioningly
that 9/11/01 was, in fact, a date in September, most likely in the year 2001.
Also, we all find it seriously freaky the way the date coincides with the
number '911'" -- referring to the phone number widely used for reporting
emergencies throughout the United States.
(Reported by RM Weiner)
Commission Concludes Need for Monkeys
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The newly released 9/11 commission report contained few
surprises, but among them was the commission's strong endorsement of the
need for monkeys. "Let's compare a post-9/11 employee checking luggage for
dangerous contraband," said commission member Lee Hamilton. "They reach in
and feel around. Not exactly the best way to detect anything. On the other
hand, let a monkey search a piece of luggage, and that luggage is torn
open, the contents strewn everywhere. Much easier to detect everything.
The time for monkeys searching your luggage is here now. Let's not let yet
another improvement go by without using it." When asked about the possible
new procedures, passenger Karen James said she'd rather have monkey poo on
her panties than be blown up.
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
911 Report Blames Iowa Shoe Salesman
IOWA CITY, Iowa (DPI) - The newly released report by the 9/11 commission
blames the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history on Iowa shoe salesman
Doug Richardson. "Richardson's half-assed attention to detail at the Shoe
Emporium left America vulnerable to attack," the report charges. The
commission documented many days in which Richardson took more than the
allowed 30 minutes for lunch. "Worst of all, customers were forced to wait
as much as five minutes before Richardson would ask if they needed help,
and he would have to be prodded to look in the back to see if the store
had more sizes," the commission found. "Richardson's slacker attitude
provided the terrorists just the opening they needed."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
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