Advice from Strangers



This Week's Guest:

Seabiscuit

Dear Seabiscuit: I don't know what to do. I want to go back to school to get a degree in nursing, but my husband thinks I should be a stay-at-home mom for our two kids. What should I do? Confused in Connecticut Dear Confused: How should I know? I'm just a goddamn horse. I don't know shit about being a parent or being a nurse. The only thing I know jack about is how to run my ass off around and around a racetrack. Christ, what a dumbass. Seabiscuit Dear Seabiscuit: I've been busting my hump at work for years, trying to get a promotion. Finally, a position that's a step up opened up last week, and my boss gave it to some other guy who is way less deserving. Should I quit or just let it slide? Frustrated in Fresno Dear Frustrated: Did you not read my response to the first dipshit? I guess not. Well, I'll spell it out for you so it's crystal clear: I'M A GODDAMN HORSE. Now do you get it, douchebag? Why in the hell would you be asking a goddamn horse for advice about your career? When you need marriage counseling, do you consult Mr. Goddamn Ed? Hey, while you're at it, maybe the Taco Bell dog could help you with all that baggage in your relationship with your kids too, numbnuts. Goddammit! Seabiscuit

(Translated from Horse by Chuck Sawyer)