CURRENT ISSUE 07/29/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Nation Searches Desperately for Easy, Quick Solution to Kitchen Grime BOSTON (DPI) - American homemakers suffered another day of intense toil today as scientists continued their struggle to come up with a quick, easy-to-use product to provide the nation with bright, spotless counters and cabinets without all the fuss. "No more scrubbing and scouring," said Illinois homemaker Edna Wharton, visibly exasperated by the effort of cleaning her kitchen with a steel wool pad. "Enough." "What America needs is an easy one-step solution that we can just spray, leave, and wipe to a spectacular shine," said consumer affairs expert Gerald Littman. "Using the cleaning strength of no fewer than three powerful scrubbing agents, this product would get deep down into dirt, lifting and dissolving tough-to-clean patches like magic." But that's not all, according to Littman. "Through pre-existing channels of distribution that cut out the middle-man and allow the manufacturer to ship direct to you, consumers would be able to order not one, dare I say, but even two bottles of this hypothetical product from their very own living rooms," he said. Some are skeptical that such a product will ever come to be. "Even if this product were possible to develop with current technology, it would surely cost $20, $30, even $40 a bottle," said consumer advocate Marlene Shapiro. Others believe that the harsh chemical cleansers that would be required to create so powerful a shine would surely be unsafe around kids, food and pets. "Not so," said Yin Mung, head of a project team at the California Institute of Technology. Yin's team is working with the nation's leading kitchen experts on a project known unofficially as "Z-Factor Plus." "Our research and testing is entirely with all-natural cleaning bases for ultimate dirt-busting power that's gentle on the environment," said Yin. In 1999, a prototype from the University of Virginia's Squirt & Shine technology lab injured three workers after a drum of highly unstable scrubbing compounds ruptured and exploded, showering several people with the power of quad-cleaning action. For now, homemakers tired of filthy cupboards, cabinets, countertops, and even vinyl and no-wax floors are forced to resort to scrubbing and scouring to get their kitchens looking their best. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
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