CURRENT ISSUE 7/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: James Traficant Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Bush Loses America's Money, Pretty Sure He Knows Where He Left It WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush explained to nervous Americans last week that he's pretty sure he knows where all their money went. "I know I had it some time last year," Bush explained. "I had all of your money in one pocket, and all of the money for the tax cut in the other pocket, and I think I went to pick up a comic book and some mint Skittles, but then Sen. Gramm stopped me to talk about this new gun he just bought, and it really was a nice one," he said. The Secret Service believes the money to be somewhere between the White House and the Quick Stop on Dupont Circle. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Harvey Pitt supports Bush's story. "We know Bush had the money in his pocket. It's all been looked into," he said. Leaked White House documents, however, show that Bush did not take America's money to buy milk, but rather took it to the commodities market to buy condensed-milk futures. Bush explained, "It's not all black and white in the market. Some products are labeled in purple, and I think skim milk is in blue." Pitt said there would be no conflict of interest in his investigating his own milk man, believed to have traded Bush's milk money in a complex deal involving Dick Cheney. (Reported by Slick Sharkey)
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