CURRENT ISSUE 7/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: James Traficant Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   K-19: The Widowmaker Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) An interesting thing happened to me just outside the press screening for the recent overcompensation exercise known as K-19: The Widowmaker. I was waiting patiently in line as the lemmings that make up the Toronto Media Film Critics were filing dutifully into the theatre, when the man in front of me turned to speak to me. I recognized him as Jim Slotek, occasional film critic for the local Toronto Sun newspaper. "Aren't you Alice Higgins?" he asked, "the one who writes for the Daily Probe?" When I responded that I was, he beamed. "Wow! I read your column all the time! It's great! You really nail a lot of these movies on the head!" Pleased, I thanked him. "Say," he said, motioning toward the phallic movie poster in front of us. "You should appreciate this: What's long and hard and full of semen?" It was only until about halfway through the film, after having left the aforementioned critic writhing in pain outside the theatre courtesy of pepper-spray, that it dawned on me that he wasn't referring to the fetid seed that escapes from the male trouser-snake, but "seamen." They're homonyms! Long, hard, full of seamen? A submarine! I had a quiet chuckle over that one and made a mental note that in the future, I should perhaps use slightly better judgment before temporarily blinding people. Live and learn, I suppose. At any rate, the jesting didn't make this bowlwinder of a film any more tolerable. The story centers on a nuclear submarine in the former Soviet Union's navy that suffers some technical malfunctions on its maiden voyage. Of course I saw this coming. You can't trust nuclear energy for anything, and it's an abomination to mother nature. Why use nuclear power when solar energy is so much more eco-friendly? The Soviets plan on waving this giant phallus in America's face, but when all goes wrong in such a horrendous fashion a penis fight of much smaller magnitude occurs on board, with Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson whipping them out and figuratively waving them around for control of this much larger penis. This film, in essence, is just one cock after another, all waved around for us all to bow before. Once again, my sisters, you have been warned! By the way, my lawyer informs me that Mr. Slotek is resting comfortably and expected to make a full recovery. I'd apologize to him, but that may be seen as a sign of feminine weakness. Live and learn...
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