CURRENT ISSUE 7/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: James Traficant Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Soul Sales Down 38% HELL (DPI) - Times are tough all over, and no one knows that better than the Prince of Darkness himself. Even the Ruler of the Netherworld is not immune from the effects of a sagging economy. Fourth-quarter projections show a 38-percent drop in eternal damnation contracts compared to this time last year. "People are taking a wait-and-see attitude before they are willing to commit," explained the frustrated fallen angel. "And a lot of people are trying to get out of their current contract by looking for technicalities. I had to void the contracts of both Milli and Vanilli last month." Germaine Wilson, an unpopular overweight high school student, admits that he is procrastinating. "Sure, I'm desperate to make Jennifer Lopez fall in love with me, or to get revenge on that guy who pulled my pants down at the student assembly. But I'm holding off on selling my soul just yet. Maybe I'll just rent a Ouija board until the economy picks up again," he said. The Devil (seen at right enjoying himself at an Enron company picnic) is already being forced to take action due to the downturn in souls. "I've had to lay off a legion of my best demons, and a lot of our equipment is being repossessed," he said. "And we are having to 'sweeten the deal' with a lot of prospects to get them to sign. An amateur heavy-metal guitarist used to jump at the chance for fame and fortune. Lately I've had to throw in perks like great hair and unlimited long-distance calls to close the deal." To keep themselves busy, some demons are haunting houses, making guest appearances at séances, and posing as high school guidance counselors. The problem is so noticeable, Hell is beginning to experience a labor shortage. Far fewer tormented souls are available to be dipped into lava, and the gnashing of teeth has practically ground to a halt. But Satan is hopeful that the worst is over. "With the whole Taliban thing, and the popularity of Harry Potter, I'm sure business will be booming again in no time," the Prince of Darkness boasted. "Next month I'm going after the cast of Friends. I'm sure they'll be motivated sellers in a year, year and a half." (Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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