Advice from Strangers
This Week's Guest:
(Transcribed By Greg Preece)
Location: Riley's Last Resort Bar And Grill
Time: 1:15 a.m.
I love you, Barney. But sometimes Im sad. Mommy and Daddy yell at each other
all the time. Mommy says its because Daddy cant keep it in his pants. I
think she means his wallet, because he looses it all the time after hes been
drinking Daddy-pops. Can you tell them to stop?
Lucy, age 6
So Daddy's been out getting a little reverse-cowgirl on the side, huh? Well,
can you BLAME him? Your mom's probably some prissy little goody-good who
doesn't know a Dirty Sanchez from a dirty fuckin' tea-towel. You want grief?
I have to wear this fucking outfit up to 10 fucking hours a day. This
fucker is hotter than Jenna Jameson's ass during an anal-bukkake shoot!
Throw me under those super-fucking-nova lights and I lose more water weight
than Angus Young at a concert in Phoenix! But does my wife care? No! Fucking
prude. She's all like, "Eeewww, you're all sweaty!" Well, no shit! I just
sweated away 40 fucking pounds! But will she let me sweat away another pound
with a couple minutes of the good stuff? NO! Frigid tightass. No wonder I've
been fucking that hot little intern in the Baby Bop suit. Time's short, and
I have needs. NEEDS, DAMMIT! Roxie! Roxie baby, could you dance that hot
little ass of yours over to the bar and get me another double Dewar's? Man,
she's got a caboose that SCREAMS Dirty Sanchez. Not like that fucking NUN I
have to go home to.
My brother has a girl friend. But I think girls are icky. Will he give me
Daniel, age 6
Hmmm. That's a fuckin' noodle-scratcher all right. Cooties, eh? If you mean
crabs, well, you never know, do you? What kind of girl is this girlfriend? I
mean, does she look like she's been ridden hard and put away wet? You tell
your brother Barney says to make sure he wraps the ol' tomahawk before
dippin' his wick. You never know, these days. They got some shit floating
around out there that'll make your dick fall off faster than Mr. Rogers'
post-mortem ratings. I kid! I kid! Rogers was a fuck of a guy. That guy
pound tequila like nobody's fuckin' business. A toast! Here's to ol' Fred
Rogers! He never met a chick he couldn't nail, and he never met a drink he
couldn't fuckin' drain! Whatafuckinguy! Huh? Wha'? I will NOT keep it
fucking down, you Nazi fucking bartender fuck! I'M FUCKING BARNEY, you
minimum-wage douchebag! I make more in fucking toy sales in a DAY than you
did all last year! I am NOT fucking drunk! I'm raising a toast to a GREAT
FUCKING ENTERTAINER! Roxie, tell that dickhead. FINE! I'm going. Here's 10
bucks. Buy yourself a decent shirt, you FUCK! I'm gonna TRASH this place on
the air tomorrow. You just signed your foreclosure papers, ass-clown! Uh oh.
think I'm gonna puke ... Fuck, I gotta get this dinosaur head off or it'll
stink for a month.