Study: Little Kids Better at Hiding; Big Kids Better at Beating Up Little
SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. (DPI) -- A study of elementary students here
revealed that, while smaller children can take advantage of their size in
hiding, larger kids can use their greater size to beat the holy snot out of
little kids. "Small and wiry has advantages over large and muscular when,
for example, desperately squeezing into hiding places to get away from larger children," said one unnamed researcher. "But once caught by a larger child, that same
smaller size contributes to getting a royal ass-kicking." Researchers joined
with larger kids in advising smaller kids to be as invisible as possible and
hand over their lunch money promptly.
(Reported by Ishie Alighieri, 7)
Saddam's Sons in Hell With Devil, My Cat, Furball
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - My daddy was reportedly happy today that Saddam's sons,
and Kwadsay, were sent straight to live with the devul after our Army shot
them down, he said, "like the goddam dirty sons-of-bitches that they are."
Mommy confirmed the location of Saddam's kids by agreeing with Daddy that
they were "sent straight to hell with that damn cat that your daddy
to Hell with his Chevelle all them years ago," referring to
my cat, Furball.
"Yep, they's down there," Mommy said in between sips of
her special juice drink. "Damn thing was a pain in the ass if you ask me, kept
pulling on the tablecloth and broke my favorite porcelain Elvis doll."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher, 10)
This One Kid Gots a Bug Face
BUS STOP (DPI) - This one kid, he goes to school with my sister, and I seen
him once, he gots a bug face, and I seen it, it's like a bug, and Jasmine
says it's from drinking milk. So I told my mom, and she says I still gotta
drink milk. And did you see Shrek, where there was this one part where he
like farts, and all the bubbles come up, and he's all like, "I just farted!"
This is my Yu-Gi-Oh guy, and he goes PSSSSSSHHHHT and then there's this
ghost, and they go like WAAAAAAAWAWAWAWAWAWA.....
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, 6)
Thomas the Tank Engine, Friends Scrapped Over
Excessive Accidents, Increased Insurance Costs
ISLAND OF SODOR (DPI) - Thomas the Tank Engine, his
friends Gordon, Percy and Edward, all loved by millions of children
worldwide, were sold
off to a scrapyard today along with other trains.
"I had no choice," said Sir Topham Hatt, Sodor Railroad president. "Seems like every time I turned
around, one of these trains was having another
accident. The insurance premiums on these
bastards were eating me alive."
Hatt also reported that "operating 30 train
engines on a little island and constantly
replacing destroyed freight cars were killing my
(Reported by Miles Walker, 10)
Spider Crawling on Jaycie's Back
PLAYGROUND (DPI) - According to unsubtantiated claims from a small group of
girls sitting on the foursquare court, there's a big icky spider crawling on
Jaycie Minella's back and it's going to bite her if she doesn't go run and
tell the teacher right now. "Ewwwww!" said 6-year-old Alexa Stewart,
pointing at a spot on Jaycie's back and giggling. "It's a big spider!"
Jaycie is still weighing her options, said 5-year-old Chelsea Hamaguchi,
Jaycie's spokesperson and art class cleanup partner. "Britney said she
should jump in the big mud puddle to get it off her, but I
told her they're just a bunch of big fibbers."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, 6)
Study Confirms Widespread Cootie Infection in Females
Good Touch/Bad Touch Demonstration Results in Massive Bad Touch Increase
SpongeBob Arrested Sans SquarePants in Public Washroom
Diaper Genie Produces Wrong Kind of Wish-Fulfillment
Study: 30% More Kids "Put Their Eye Out With That Thing" Last Year
Student Council Upholds "Smelt it, Dealt it" Ruling, 4-1
First Pubes: Gross, Scary or Both?
Blues Poos Do Not Require Detective Work
Disgruntled Kid Opens up on Playground With Pump Action Super-Soaker
Janie Lewis Gets Period
Dad's Vacations Suck
New Dad Has Seen Enough
Lonnie Scores Big-Time During Parents Divorce
MCKINLEY MIDDLE SCHOOL (DPI) - Lonnie Chapman is 13, just like most of us,
his dad is already buying him hookers. "I knew I could use my parents'
divorce to work their guilt," Lonnie said. "But after one year of
Playstations, televisions, and motorcycles, I got bored." First Lonnie
told his mom that his dad totally lets him read his dirty magazines.
Then his mom's boyfriend gave him a DVD called Amber Does Anything.
Then his dad was like, "Big deal,"
and last Friday night he took Lonnie to a hooker hotel. Lonnie said he had
to wear a rubber but the lady had huge
knockers and moaned the whole time! We're going to have some kick-ass
eighth-grade parties next year at both of Lonnie's houses!
(Reported by Otis Garcia Jr., 13)
Bush Had Fingers Crossed During Speech
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Georgie W. Bush is denying he lied during his assembly
speech last January, saying his fingers were crossed when he said that
Rocky Hussein threatened him outside math class. Confronted by
Principal Shelby with evidence that Bush knew Hussein was in the
lunchroom at the time the alleged threat took place, Bush said his
fingers were crossed, it was Opposite Day, and anyway, Tony Blair said
that Rocky was a dork. Bush's friend Stevie Hadley offered to serve
detention for Georgie, but Principal Shelby said Bush would have to
learn from his own mistake.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey, 9)
People Shoots a Guy in the Middel East
ST. JOSEPH'S ELEMENTARY (DPI) - My report is about they keeping shooting a
guy in the middel east. I am 8 yrs old. I think it's bad to bea fighing all
the time. If i was in went to middel east, i would tell them to stop.
Because if they always kill and shoot a guy the guy could get a bomb and
blow them up to.
(Reported by Josh Amontino, 8)