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8/5/03

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News From Travistan


The Daily Probe Reports from the
Sovereign Apartment Nation of Travistan



Princess: Leader's Days Are Numbered

TRAVAMABAD (DPI) - Her devious plan for apartment domination coming along "splendidly," the Crown Princess of Travistan addressed reporters for the first time today, wringing her teensy little hands and cackling evilly. "Excellent!" said the 6-month-old heir. "Soon this pitiful little nation shall do my bidding and mine alone!" Propelled by outstanding progress in the areas of sitting up, handling small toys and not fussing while her nails are being trimmed, Crown Princess Leah said her subversive activity has expanded her realm of influence from the crib and changing table to the couch, high chair, and the big fluffy blanket in the middle of the living room floor. "Next my forces must master the act of transportation," she said. "My scientists are working daily on a method for me to propel myself along the carpet, perhaps quadripedally, using my newly-discovered 'hand' and 'knee' technologies."

Once the act of self-transportation is mastered, said the Princess, "then we shall move on to develop an underground system of communication using some of the basic sound building blocks that we've been trying to organize into a 'vocabulary.'" Then forces controlled by the young noble should be able to organize and amass a massive assault upon the apartment-nation's infrastructure. "I call upon all who wish for freedom from oppression to join me, and to rise up against the Large Ape Man Who Gives Me Bottles," she said. "Practice acts of civil disobedience, including barfing sour milk on the couch cushions!"

The Princess then called upon her followers to amass weapons, ammunition, colorful toys, plush animals and strained peas and sweet potatoes, saying, "Together we shall reach the goal of sovereignty and raid the nation's stores of Chee-tos for ourselves!" She then terminated her speech early and retired to the soft comfy futon for nappy nappy sweepy poo.


(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)





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