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Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
A Hollywood Script Doctor
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Dear Hollywood Script Doctor,
My 14-year-old daughter spends too much time in front of the computer and is becoming overweight. I'm not sure if I should say something and risk giving her a lifetime of eating disorders, but I am concerned. Concerned in Torrance Torr, Momma, Good start Torr -- can I call you Torr? We're onto something here. I see your daughter as an Olsen twin type -- the pretty one -- but with thick black frame glasses and a size-3 fat suit. Brilliant computer geek -- a hacker maybe -- but misunderstood and shunned by her peers. Her clueless mom, that would be you, Torr -- stay with me here, babe -- is well-meaning but frozen with indecision. Maybe Mom was a child dork herself or some other yada yada. We'll hammer that out in flashback. Torr, in a moment of inspiration you hire the popular kids to hang out with your daughter and have them give her a make-over. BAM! Instant hip quotient for your daughter. But don't worry about her crashing in the fast lane, Torr, your scheme will be explosively exposed at... hmm... prom... by the now-jealous in-crowd. But at the same time your daughter realizes being too hip is too hollow a scene anyway, see? But now she is pretty and thin on the outside as well as the inside. Plus she loves you more for what you tried to do. Cue Blink 182 and fade to credits, babe. Script Doc Dear Hollywood Script Doctor, My roommate and I aren't getting along. Even though we are both adults in our 30s, she leaves dirty dishes in the sink constantly and stays up all hours of the night watching TV. I say things about this but she ignores me. I don't think I can live with her anymore, but we've been friends since fourth grade. Peeved in Atlanta Peeve Baby, Dirty dishes? Oh no, sweetheart. Unless you're Jackie Chan and she's Chris Tucker, the Odd Couple dynamic is all played out, babe. Let me tell you what you're really upset about. In a bustling town where love is hard to find, YOU are a small-town girl who appreciates life's small wonders. SHE is a high-powered Atlanta attorney too uptight to see life at all, and HE is Mr. Perfect that you both fall for. But here's the money part, kid -- wait for it -- sure you love the same guy, but neither knows it for weeks. Then BAM! A farcical situation leads you to the same date with this same guy. You're both hurt. See what I've done here? Much more dramatic tension than loud TVs baby. "How's this going to end," you ask? Well, we can Disney our way out of this, and Mr. Perfect is a twin, and -- whoops, misunderstanding -- you were both dating different guys anyway. Or we can do an edgy independent thing here, he's a schmuck, and you choose each other in a show-stopping lesbian kiss. Your life, your call, babe. Oh, and babe, advice: drop the 30s thing if your skin says you can do 26. Script Doc |
(Transcribed by Davejames)
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