CURRENT ISSUE 8/6/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Billy Bob Thornton Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us!	Fortune Teller Wins Lottery MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - Local fortune teller Madame Ulva won more than $2.5 million in the California Lottery Wednesday when she used her powers of clairvoyance to foresee the upcoming winning numbers. "Talk about easy money," said Ulva, 44. "I looked one day into the future, and BAM, there they were. I had to go to the 7-Eleven for a carton of cigs, so while I was there, I took a chance on the Powerball numbers, and here I am!" When asked if she felt this was an improper use of her mystical powers, Ulva said, "So using my powers to contact Mrs. Linden's dead cat or telling some drunk teenager that he'll one day become an assistant manager is somehow more noble?" The overall payout in Wednesday's Lottery was actually more than $5.1 million, which Ulva was forced to split with "The 3 Strikes," a bowling team from Bakersfield. "Oh well, the World Series is coming up -- and I like my chances," she said with a knowing smile. Will she return to her humble profession at the in-home inner sanctum she created seven years ago in a spare bedroom in her Modesto bungalow? "Yeah, right!" laughed the nouveau-riche psychic. "I was much happier making $20 a pop telling gullible housewives that their husbands would soon become attentive and thoughtful, or telling some 42-year-old Trekkie who still lives with Mom that he will meet the girl of his dreams this summer!" Whatever her plans for the future, it's sure they won't be a surprise to Ulva, considering she can see them ahead of time. (Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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