CURRENT ISSUE 8/6/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Billy Bob Thornton Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   Austin Powers in Goldmember Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) Normally, there would be no chance in hell that I would ever set foot in a theatre showing a phallicly titled film such as Goldmember. However, my only other options are very obviously pornographic films (Full Frontal? Please. And xXx? You're not fooling ANYONE, Hollywood) -- so Goldmember it is. One could argue that this "film" could be praised for its honest portrayal of the relationship between men and their DNA cannons. The titular character is so enamoured of his johnson that he has had it encased in gold, much like a proud parent would bronze a child's shoe. But don't be fooled, sisters! Deep down, the gilding of the tallywhacker is nothing more than a heavy-handed attempt to make us subliminally attach some sort of value to the male organ. Believe me, sisters, the only thing more useless than a penis is the man attached to it. If you don't believe me, ask sister Bobbit. Mike Myers plays four characters, and reclaims from Jim Carrey the title of "Most Annoying Canadian Export Since Celine Dion." I love my American neighbours, but not enough to let that lot back in the country. It seems odd that the Americans give us such talented icons as Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell and Melissa Etheridge, yet we repay the debt by sending them those three. Oh well, as long as they aren't here, I guess we're ahead. I also find it rather telling that three of the four characters Myers plays seem obsessed with their penises, between Goldmember turning his into a trophy-top, and Powers' and Fat Bastard's constant attempts to soil wymyn with their own. It seems that Myers is severely over-compensating for his own lack of equipment. Hey Mike, leave it in the therapist's office, will you? We're trying to watch a film! As for the rest of the film, there are some bright spots, but not enough to make up for the abomination that is Myers. The stunningly beautiful Beyonce Knowles serves as little more than a rack for clothes to almost fall from, but she looks great doing it. And it's likely impossible not to enjoy Michael Caine's brilliantly satirical turn as Powers' equally libidinous father. In the end, Austin Powers in Goldmember is nothing more than Mike Myers' own personal valentine to the penis. My sisters, once again, you have been warned!
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