CURRENT ISSUE 8/6/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Billy Bob Thornton Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop About The Probe Contact Us!	Catholic Church to Launch Rewards Program VATICAN CITY (DPI) - The Roman Catholic Church announced yesterday its plan to institute a rewards program as a bonus to loyal parishioners. "The church, just like other businesses, has been suffering a cash crunch of late," said Archbishop Roberto Dobini, a Vatican spokesperson. "After studying other businesses that have continued to thrive in this economy, like Subway and Blockbuster, we've decided that a rewards program is the way to go." The first phase of the program -- called Jesus Pay$! -- is the Frequent Confession Card. Under the rules, once a parishioner confesses 10 times, having the priest punch the card, the 11th confession is penance-free. "Strictly speaking," said Dobini, "if one of our flock covets his neighbor's wife -- and confesses to it -- 10 times, the 11th time he can then act out his impure thoughts and have the adultery without the burden of all the Hail Marys and Our Fathers that would normally go along with it!" The main focus of this program is twofold: to have the sins of the faithful absolved by the Lord, and to increase foot traffic in less-popular parishes. "It's marketing gold!" notes Dobini proudly. Another feature of the Jesus PAY$! program is Tithe Points. For every dollar donated to the collection plate (also available through pre-authorized payments through credit card, checking account, or PayPal) Catholics will receive points, which they will be able to redeem in the new Holy Swag! catalog available at all participating churches. Merchandise available will range from baseball hats and fanny packs to higher end, less "Catholic" items. "In addition," Dobini added, "Tithing will now be eligible to earn Frequent Flier miles." "This is a historical moment for the Church," Dobini told reporters, noting that the increased revenue should help with the Catholic Church's impending IPO. A page from the Holy Swag! catalog features the following "Diamond Level" items: A copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (75,000 points), a condom (125,000 points), and a wire coat hanger (500,000 points). (Reported by Greg Preece)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.