Kerry Captures Highly Coveted Bad Guitar Player Vote
WASHINGTON (DPI) – While most political gurus are focusing
upon such key voter demographics as the "soccer moms"
or the "NASCAR dads," presidential candidate John
Kerry has apparently scored a major electoral coup
by reeling in the "bad guitar player" niche, which
comprises 86% of the entire U.S. population.
"It was a brilliant strategic move," remarked NBC's
Tim Russert. "Since almost every man, woman and child
in the country plays guitar, and badly at that, seeing
Kerry at the Democratic National Convention playing some God-awful
guitar was something that virtually every American
could relate to."
Republicans conceded that the move had dealt a severe
blow to Bush's re-election campaign. "Whether it's a
fumbled rendition of the intro to Stairway to Heaven
or a painfully tiresome 18-minute version of
Freebird, playing the guitar in a piss-poor manner
is an American institution, just like baseball or
Mom's apple pie," admitted a sullen Karl Rove. "We
should have learned our lesson from 1992, when Clinton
captured the 'crappy saxophonist' segment."
Punctuating his acceptance speech with references to
both the fight against terrorism and classic rock and
roll guitar riffs, Kerry promised to be a different
kind of leader than George Bush. "America needs a
president who uses war as a last resort, not a first
resort. America needs a president who can provide
affordable health insurance for every American, not
just for those who can afford it. But most of all,
American needs a president who can play Proud Mary,
start to finish, with only two or three mistakes." As
the crowd erupted in thunderous applause, Kerry then
strapped on a Fender Stratocaster copy and launched
into an slightly out-of-tune version of Louie Louie,
while hundreds of middle-aged white male delegates
joined him on their air guitars.
An Associated Press poll this morning reports Kerry
receiving a 39-point bump since last night, showing
that if the election were held today, Kerry would hold
84% of the vote followed by only 12% for Bush. The
Bush campaign refused to comment on the numbers, but
did acknowledge that the president is at his ranch in
Crawford busily learning how to play the drum solo to
the 1960's surf hit Wipeout.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
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