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Kerry Captures Highly Coveted Bad Guitar Player Vote

WASHINGTON (DPI) While most political gurus are focusing upon such key voter demographics as the "soccer moms" or the "NASCAR dads," presidential candidate John Kerry has apparently scored a major electoral coup by reeling in the "bad guitar player" niche, which comprises 86% of the entire U.S. population.

"It was a brilliant strategic move," remarked NBC's Tim Russert. "Since almost every man, woman and child in the country plays guitar, and badly at that, seeing Kerry at the Democratic National Convention playing some God-awful guitar was something that virtually every American could relate to."

Republicans conceded that the move had dealt a severe blow to Bush's re-election campaign. "Whether it's a fumbled rendition of the intro to Stairway to Heaven or a painfully tiresome 18-minute version of Freebird, playing the guitar in a piss-poor manner is an American institution, just like baseball or Mom's apple pie," admitted a sullen Karl Rove. "We should have learned our lesson from 1992, when Clinton captured the 'crappy saxophonist' segment."

Punctuating his acceptance speech with references to both the fight against terrorism and classic rock and roll guitar riffs, Kerry promised to be a different kind of leader than George Bush. "America needs a president who uses war as a last resort, not a first resort. America needs a president who can provide affordable health insurance for every American, not just for those who can afford it. But most of all, American needs a president who can play Proud Mary, start to finish, with only two or three mistakes." As the crowd erupted in thunderous applause, Kerry then strapped on a Fender Stratocaster copy and launched into an slightly out-of-tune version of Louie Louie, while hundreds of middle-aged white male delegates joined him on their air guitars.

An Associated Press poll this morning reports Kerry receiving a 39-point bump since last night, showing that if the election were held today, Kerry would hold 84% of the vote followed by only 12% for Bush. The Bush campaign refused to comment on the numbers, but did acknowledge that the president is at his ranch in Crawford busily learning how to play the drum solo to the 1960's surf hit Wipeout.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

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