
Kerry Kills Puppy to Prove Manhood
SCRANTON (DPI) - Continuing on his mission to prove his
strength and warrior credentials, John Kerry parachuted into
Pennsylvania and killed a Chihuahua-beagle mix puppy.
"If you don't think I'm going to kill Bin Laden, just
take a look at what I did to Scrappy," boasted Kerry.
Asked whether killing the pet might offend liberal
animal-loving voters, Kerry responded, "The left wants
Bush out of office so bad, I could burn a spotted owl
for fuel and they'd still vote for me." Kerry then
crawled through staff-provided gunfire into the
Scranton Zoo, where he beat a baby seal over the head
with an M-16.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
International Moratorium on William Hung Jokes Declared
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The National Pop Culture Commission (NPCC) has
demanded a worldwide moratorium on all use of William Hung as a
comedic device. Alex Lucas, a spokesperson for the NPCC, said,
"Mr. Hung's fifteen minutes of fame has long been spent. At this
point it is no longer possible to determine whether those using
Hung as a comedic staple are actually poking fun with a detached
irony, or are actually contributing to and perpetuating the
problem themselves." The NPCC released a list of alternatives to
for humorists to use in lieu of the failed American Idol, including
Evel Knievel, Nipsey Russell and Lulu the Talking Goat.
Lucas concluded, "If we all work together to forget William Hung,
William Hung will one day be forgotten. And on that day we will be able
to laugh again."
(Reported by RM Weiner)
Nuclear War Narrowly Averted
Islamabad, Pakistan (DPI) - A worldwide nuclear holocaust was narrowly
averted today when tensions flared up along the Kashmir border between India
and Paki-- What? "Big Brother 5" is on? Um... sorry, gotta go.
(Reported by Ross Brown)
Philippines Economy Unchanged Despite O'Reilly Boycott
MANILA (DPI) - Bill O'Reilly's boycott of the Philippines
has thus far failed to have much affect on that nation's economy.
The conservative talk-show host called for a consumer boycott after
the Philippine government withdrew its peacekeeping force of 51 troops
from the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq. O'Reilly urged his viewers to
boycott all Philippine products, including "molybdenum, cadmium, guano,
phosphate rock, barracuda, mudfish, tortoiseshells and maguey, which
I am told is used for making such products as rope." Nevertheless,
the stock market in the Philippines has remained unchanged, with the
exception of coconut futures, which are up 23%.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Ricky Williams Quits NFL to Follow Grateful Dead
JAMAICA (DPI) - In an interview with Jamaican
television, former Dolphins running-back Ricky
Williams announced that he is quitting the NFL in order to
follow the Grateful Dead on tour. An often-confused,
barely coherent Williams said that he really liked
Jerry Garcia's hair. When informed that Jerry Garcia
died nine years ago, Williams, finishing his second box
of Fruity Pebbles, giggled uncontrollably for several
minutes, before saying that he would try to catch a
Bob Marley concert instead.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Kerry Denies Consuming Asparagus
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - The John F. Kerry campaign has released a statement
in response to claims that he ate asparagus last night while in campaigning
in Arizona. "The Senator categorically denies consuming asparagus for dinner
or breakfast. Persons claiming otherwise were standing at a different
urinal and therefore have no standing to make such a claim."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
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Swift Boat Vets: Kerry Couldn't Roll a Joint Worth Shit
Al-Qaeda's Practical Joke Division Having Fun Tweaking Ridge
Cheney Decides to Keep Bush on Ticket
Kerry Economic Plan Funded by Transfer of Frozen Nigerian Assets
Rick James' Housekeeper Alerted by Funky Smell
Latest CIA Terrorist Info Warns of Large Attack on US Naval Base in Hawaii
Third Attempt Fails to Extinguish Red Adair Cremation
Three-Year Cleaning Fails to Rid Statue of Liberty of France-Stench
Hurricane Alex Downgraded to "Pussy"
Tyson Adds Tattoo of Ring-Floor Budweiser Logo to Other Side of Face

C'mon, People, It's Time to Update the Red State/Blue State Model!

Kerry Captures Highly Coveted Bad Guitar Player Vote
Grammar Nazi's Retirement Leaves Discussion List in Lurch

Arby's Oven Mitt Finally Fucking Fired
Fort Lauderdale, Fla. (DPI) – Oven Mitt, that "loveable" new Arby's
mascot, was fucking fired today after everyone in the fucking world
finally stood up and said, "Hey! Tom Arnold's a fucking voiceover
hack and you have this stupid fucking dipshit fucking talking Oven
Mitt who screams all the time but still fucking douchebag teenage
minimum-wage workers somehow agree to do whatever the fuck he says
rather than lighting him on fucking fire or fucking drowning him!"
Oven Mitt could not be reached for comment, thank fucking God.
Parking was ample.
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
Rapper 50 Cent Reverses Stance on Stem-Cell Research
NEW YORK (DPI) - Rapper 50 Cent has changed his mind about the hotly
debated ethics of research into human stem-cell tissue after learning the
proper pronunciation for the specialists who engage in it. "Man, why the
fuck do I wanna support a bunch of motherfuckin' 'biotech' scientists?"
asks the entertainer. "Fuck you think I'm gay or some shiz'?" Mr. Cent
admitted that his earlier support for the research was based on the
incorrect impression that he was supporting "biotch" scientists.
"Man, don't get me wrong, I loves me some scien-tizzle poo-nizzle,
and that ain' no roca," he explains. "But stem cells, man that shit's
just WRONG, man, pullin' babies apart and shit. I'm kind of glad
it ain' biotch scientists doin' it."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
S. Millwood Lane on Orange Alert
KANSAS CITY (DPI) - S. Millwood Lane has gone to
Orange Alert to guard against the threat of terrorism.
Brenda Freedale is stationed at the end of the block
to check for terrorists coming around the corner from
Cedar Street, while Walter Bringham is sitting on his
porch with his Remington shot-gun, in case any
terrorists drive on his lawn. Homeowners association
president Marlon Dimsdale reported, "Old man Jenkins
is up on his roof, looking out for enemy aircraft. Of
course, he's been doing that since Korea, so take that
with a grain of salt." No terrorists have been spotted
on S. Millwood Lane since 1978, and even that turned out
to be a Jehova's Witness.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Damned-Dos Trump Damned-Don'ts in White House Schism
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Rumors of a rift in the Bush administration
over the recent terror threat announcement have been confirmed
by an unnamed insider. "The damned-if-we-do-ers nearly won out
on this one," the source noted. "However, after several hours of
heated debate, the damned-if-we-don't-ers prevailed and the
announcement was made. Of course, now that the announcement has been
made and the Democrats are damning the administration for it, the
damned-if-we-do-ers are all 'told ya so!' in the hallways. The
insider added that he hopes his carefully maintained "Damned-if-I-know"
status will help him retain his position in the event of a Kerry win
in November.
(Reported by Brian Jones)
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