CURRENT ISSUE 8/10/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Probe Interview McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Probe Poll Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	McQuigly and Moss     Conventions Only Serve One Purpose By Dirk McQuigly I watched every minute of last week's convention. I went through about six cases of Jolt Cola just to stay awake to watch it all. What a waste, I could've used all that Jolt for the Dr. Who marathon tomorrow night. All we watched was a ridiculously long party that we weren't invited to that built up to something that could've taken one hour to do. It's my junior high school prom all over again. The purpose of the convention is for a party to nominate their choice for president. There's no need to waste everyone's time with coverage of a million speeches and profiles on thousands of political delegates/zombies who wouldn't know the difference between a Tauntaun on Hoth and their own mother. It's like the Comic-Con in San Diego. The only reason anyone spent the $1200 in planet tickets and hotel rooms was to meet the great Kevin J. Anderson who's writing the new Dune prequels, which wasn't scheduled until the very end of the three day convention. So in the meantime, we had to visit vendor booths, play the new Xbox games that aren't due out for at another year, talk with those super hot Lara Croft models that wouldn't go out with me if they had enough brain cells to power a toaster for three hours and spend even more of my cash on overpriced snack food and bottled water. By the time I'm done, I end up being the last person in a line of 2,000 people to meet Anderson, which means he's tired and cranky, just so he can sign my copy of Children of Dune. And when I try to talk to him, he tells me to kiss off because he's tired and needs a shot of something or he's gonna die. If I wanted some pathetic drunk to tell me to go hump an electrified subway rail, I'll just hang out with my father. And the only thing he ever wrote that was worth getting his signature on was a big fat check, so I could buy the sci-fi Dune miniseries on DVD. A Dose of Conventional Wisdom By Anna Moss Hi, everyone. I'm back from computer camp, where I had a blast. But even more exciting than computer camp, I came home to the news that George Lucas has released the name of the new Star Wars movie. I was so besides myself I almost puked. I'll be having nightly dreams of Return of the Siths (or ROTS, as my friend Dave calls it). I already need to prepare. Do I sleep in line for one night or two? Should I ask Dirk to go with me to stay in line so we can alternate going to Micky D.'s? I had to get that off my chest before I got serious. Apparently Dirk doesn't see the need for political conventions. I'm not a rocket scientist on politics but I think conventions are necessary. Originally the purpose of these conventions was to develop each parties platform, you know, the ideas they want to implement. It's important to meet the candidates and hear what they have to say to become informed about what that party intends to do if elected. Like at last years Regional Star Trek Fan Club Convention, where we had to elect a new president and treasurer. It was very helpful to hear the candidates views on space travel, alien cultures, the Kirk and Spock Priceline.com commercials and other important issues. These speeches were very instrumental in helping me to vote for the new president and treasurer of the fan club. I also think political conventions are a chance to meet and have parties with people you don't often get to see. Kind of a pep rally for politicians. At the recent Marvel Comics convention I attended, I had a great time. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. And boy do these comic book people know how to party. Nonstop Mystery Theater 3000 playing on the big screen. A Yoda look-a-like contest. And much more. Even though the candidates are already known before the conventions, that's not always the case. Sometimes they are actually voted for *AT* the convention. So I think there should always be political conventions, for both political and social reasons. Did I mention I met Bill Gates' second cousin? I still think I'm dreaming. (Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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