McQuigly and Moss
Conventions Only Serve One Purpose
By Dirk McQuigly
I watched every minute of last week's convention. I went through about six
cases of Jolt Cola just to stay awake to watch it all. What a waste, I could've
used all that Jolt for the Dr. Who marathon tomorrow night.
All we watched was a ridiculously long party that we weren't invited to that
built up to something that could've taken one hour to do. It's my junior high
school prom all over again. The purpose of the convention is for a party to
nominate their choice for president. There's no need to waste everyone's time
with coverage of a million speeches and profiles on thousands of political
delegates/zombies who wouldn't know the difference between a Tauntaun on Hoth and
their own mother.
It's like the Comic-Con in San Diego. The only reason anyone spent the $1200
in planet tickets and hotel rooms was to meet the great Kevin J. Anderson
who's writing the new Dune prequels, which wasn't scheduled until the very end
of the three day convention. So in the meantime, we had to visit vendor booths,
play the new Xbox games that aren't due out for at another year, talk with
those super hot Lara Croft models that wouldn't go out with me if they had
enough brain cells to power a toaster for three hours and spend even more of my
cash on overpriced snack food and bottled water.
By the time I'm done, I end up being the last person in a line of 2,000
people to meet Anderson, which means he's tired and cranky, just so he can sign my
copy of Children of Dune. And when I try to talk to him, he tells me to kiss
off because he's tired and needs a shot of something or he's gonna die. If I
wanted some pathetic drunk to tell me to go hump an electrified subway rail,
I'll just hang out with my father.
And the only thing he ever wrote that was worth getting his signature on was
a big fat check, so I could buy the sci-fi Dune miniseries on DVD.
A Dose of Conventional Wisdom
By Anna Moss
Hi, everyone. I'm back from computer camp, where I had a blast. But even more
exciting than computer camp, I came home to the news that George Lucas has released
the name of the new Star Wars movie. I was so besides myself I almost puked.
I'll be having nightly dreams of Return of the Siths (or ROTS, as my friend Dave calls it).
I already need to prepare. Do I sleep in line for one night or
two? Should I ask Dirk to go with me to stay in line so we can alternate going to
I had to get that off my chest before I got serious. Apparently Dirk doesn't
see the need for political conventions. I'm not a rocket scientist on politics
but I think conventions are necessary. Originally the purpose of these
conventions was to develop each parties platform, you know, the ideas they want to
implement. It's important to meet the candidates and hear what they have to say
to become informed about what that party intends to do if elected. Like at
last years Regional Star Trek Fan Club Convention, where we had to elect a new
president and treasurer. It was very helpful to hear the candidates views on
space travel, alien cultures, the Kirk and Spock Priceline.com commercials and
other important issues. These speeches were very instrumental in helping me to
vote for the new president and treasurer of the fan club.
I also think political conventions are a chance to meet and have parties with
people you don't often get to see. Kind of a pep rally for politicians. At
the recent Marvel Comics convention I attended, I had a great time. I saw people
I hadn't seen in years. And boy do these comic book people know how to party.
Nonstop Mystery Theater 3000 playing on the big screen. A Yoda look-a-like
contest. And much more.
Even though the candidates are already known before the conventions, that's
not always the case. Sometimes they are actually voted for *AT* the convention.
So I think there should always be political conventions, for both political
and social reasons.
Did I mention I met Bill Gates' second cousin? I still think I'm dreaming.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)