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Musing With Mitch  

by Mitchell Kobriger  

Mitchell Kobriger

If I die, I want to have a really painful last half-hour.

The hell with paper ballots and electronic voting machines. What happened to "One potato, two potato"?

Idea! Why don't they make all toxic stuff taste like peppermint? If it tastes like peppermint, you'll know straight away you need to get your butt to a hospital.

If it doesn't go with Scotch, it doesn't go with Mitch -- no exceptions.

My barber is as funny as he is talented. He always threatens to give me a "Pete Rose" cut. That guy kills me.

I would never stoop so low as to discuss my sex life on national TV. Those call-in radio shows work just fine for me, thank you very much.

I imagine I could find myself caring more about the homeless if they were just a tad cleaner.

Word to the wise: Having an underground sprinkler system practically screams, "Hey! I'm better than you, neighbor. Why not come back tonight and take a dump in my garden?" At least it seems to around these parts.

Is it too late to come up with a derogatory name for Iraqis?

I just discovered it is possible to drive my riding mower, even with The Club still attached. You can bet if I know that, the bad guys know it, too.

When I'm sad, nothing works better than bacon grease. When I'm happy, too, for that matter.

You won't catch ol' Mitch crying over spilled milk. Now cran-apple juice -- that's a horse of a different color.

Maybe it's just me, but I always wonder why that frog would go into that bar in the first place.

Remember when Mel Blanc died and all those newspapers ran his obituary with headlines like, "That's All Folks!"? Man, that was mean. Some people have no tact.

One thing that'll never steer you wrong: Somali taxi drivers. (Actually, my pharmacist gave me that one.)

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