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08/12/03

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August 12, 2003



Massive Power Outage Plunges East Coast Into Darkness


(Daily Probe photo)




Texas Forms Own Fucking Country

AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) - Amid a flurry of big fucking hats and gunfire, the Lone Star State today announced it was seceding and forming its own fucking country. Texans are now the proud residents of their own little country where they can wear their little boots and hoot and holler or whatever the hell it is they do. Standing in front of the new Texan National Flag with a big fucking "lone star" or whatever the hell it is on it, the new president said "A-hyuk, a-hyuk." The announcement came amid long speculation that the rest of the United States was holding Texas back. And vice versa.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Bravo to Air Queer Eye for the FBI Reality/Reform Show

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Bravo's hit show featuring gay men counseling straight men on fashion, decorating and culture will expand its franchise this season with a show featuring a makeover for the troubled FBI. Among the advice is this tidbit from Jai Rodriguez, the show's "culture vulture": "Tapping people's phones is very nice. But if you want the real poop scoop, go to the suspect's favorite after-hours club and gossip, gossip, gossip! People love to dish. And if you have to, grease the bartender. I know I would." Carson Kressley, the fashion consultant, carped, "People! Those dark suits and dark glasses? Tres Leave it to Beaver. What would J. Edgar think? Add some color, and for Cher's sake, accessorize! Gun cozies, people. "

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Heroic Mountaineer Amputates Other Arm to Escape Gigli

ASPEN, Colo. (DPI) - Aron Ralston, the heroic hiker who amputated his own arm last spring to free himself after becoming pinned under a boulder, amputated his remaining arm last night to free himself from seeing the poorly received Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie Gigli. "My girlfriend, Cheryl, really wanted to watch it to the end, but I felt that I had already suffered enough this year," said Ralston, 27. "This time, the self-amputation was tougher, since the only arm I had left was around Cheryl. So I had to do the job with the little Swiss Army knife on my keychain and hold it with my teeth."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


CBS Releases Photos Proving Shows Are Dead

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In an unprecedented move, network executives at CBS have released two photos as conclusive proof that the sitcoms My Big Fat Greek Life and Baby Bob are truly dead. "We don't usually do this," said Les Moonves, the network's chairman and CEO. "However, our decision was warranted by the veritable avalanche of openly skeptical emails and correspondence we received from an American public demanding proof." The two photos graphically depict Dumpsters on the CBS studio lot overflowing with set materials and cast members from both shows. "The shows are dead. Gone. Not coming back. Ever. I promise." said Moonves. "Hopefully, this will put everyone's fears to rest and we can all get on with our lives."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)




Homeland Security Dept. Rushes Emergency Duct Tape to Stricken Northeast

Action Hero, Arch-Nemesis Emerge Unscathed From High-Rise Explosion

U.S. Pimps Reach Consensus: Bitch Better Have My Money

Bob Hope's Body Still Shambling About of Own Accord

Catholic Buggerers Oppose Gay Marriage

State Fair Restroom Source of Season's Worth of Disease-of-the-Week Movies

Inattentive Guy Accidentally Registers for Calif. Governor's Race

Britney Vows to Save Latex-Clad Butt Sex for Marriage

More headlines



My Name Is No Laughing Matter



Leftovers Identified

Cameron Sets Out to Make World's Most Ambitious Campaign Commercial



Clumsy Hiker Experiences Spiritual Convergence With Trail

CONCORD, Calif. (DPI) - Robert Mylo found spiritual inspiration yesterday, making communion with nature when his knee, chest and chin all achieved simultaneous convergence with the trail on which he was walking. Mylo said he made "a real physical and spiritual connection" with the soul of the area and was stricken motionless by the impact of the revelation for several minutes. "After about a half hour of contemplating my position in the universe and in the dirt, I found inspiration," said Mylo, referring to the immediate medical attention he wisely called for on a cell phone. He added that he was glad that the spirit of the forest inspired him to get a precautionary CT scan.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)




Long-Term Effects of Crimean War Still Not Being Felt

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. (DPI) -- Despite the concerns of history professors since its conclusion in 1856, the long-term effects of the Crimean War are still not being felt in this middle-class community. "Huh?" said Bill Wyatt, a 36-year-old refrigeration technician, in a typical reaction. In all, more than 99 percent of residents here were completely unaware of the geopolitical consequences of this mid-19th-century conflict. "Didn't Florence Nightingale die in that war?" asked Anne Harrison, a local nurse and the only person interviewed who had anything even vaguely relevant to say about the Crimean War. "Or am I thinking of Korea?"

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Dead Guy Would Have Wanted It That Way

OLYMPIA, Wash. (DPI) - Frank Belmek, recently deceased at 52, would have wanted it that way, according to a statement issued by his widow, Sylvia. "Although it's only been three months since Frankie passed, I know he'd insist I work through my grief by beginning a new life with {family physician} Dean {Millman}," the statement quotes her as saying. "That's just the kind of man he was, rest his soul." Other things Belmek allegedly would have wanted include the sale of his antique coin collection on eBay and the placement of his 86-year-old mother in a state-run retirement home.

(Reported by Steven Shehori)


"Episcopalian" Newest Street Term for "Homosexual"

Arabs Still Appalled at Photos of Uday, Qusay, Anna Nicole in Tights

Several Lawyers File Suit in Cat-Swinging Case

Sadist "Totally Can't Wait" to Try New Studded Riding Crop

Indignant Father Never Told Parenting Would Ever Include Picking Another Human's Nose

Shoeless Guy Doesn't Want Cliche, Just Booze

Doctor: Snoop Suffering From Post-Nizzle Drip





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