Massive Power Outage Plunges East Coast Into Darkness

Texas Forms Own Fucking Country

AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) - Amid a flurry of big fucking hats and gunfire, the Lone Star State today announced it was seceding and forming its own fucking country. Texans are now the proud residents of their own little country where they can wear their little boots and hoot and holler or whatever the hell it is they do. Standing in front of the new Texan National Flag with a big fucking "lone star" or whatever the hell it is on it, the new president said "A-hyuk, a-hyuk." The announcement came amid long speculation that the rest of the United States was holding Texas back. And vice versa.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Bravo to Air Queer Eye for the FBI Reality/Reform Show

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Bravo's hit show featuring gay men counseling straight men on fashion, decorating and culture will expand its franchise this season with a show featuring a makeover for the troubled FBI. Among the advice is this tidbit from Jai Rodriguez, the show's "culture vulture": "Tapping people's phones is very nice. But if you want the real poop scoop, go to the suspect's favorite after-hours club and gossip, gossip, gossip! People love to dish. And if you have to, grease the bartender. I know I would." Carson Kressley, the fashion consultant, carped, "People! Those dark suits and dark glasses? Tres Leave it to Beaver. What would J. Edgar think? Add some color, and for Cher's sake, accessorize! Gun cozies, people. "

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Heroic Mountaineer Amputates Other Arm to Escape Gigli

ASPEN, Colo. (DPI) - Aron Ralston, the heroic hiker who amputated his own arm last spring to free himself after becoming pinned under a boulder, amputated his remaining arm last night to free himself from seeing the poorly received Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie Gigli. "My girlfriend, Cheryl, really wanted to watch it to the end, but I felt that I had already suffered enough this year," said Ralston, 27. "This time, the self-amputation was tougher, since the only arm I had left was around Cheryl. So I had to do the job with the little Swiss Army knife on my keychain and hold it with my teeth."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


CBS Releases Photos Proving Shows Are Dead

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In an unprecedented move, network executives at CBS have released two photos as conclusive proof that the sitcoms My Big Fat Greek Life and Baby Bob are truly dead. "We don't usually do this," said Les Moonves, the network's chairman and CEO. "However, our decision was warranted by the veritable avalanche of openly skeptical emails and correspondence we received from an American public demanding proof." The two photos graphically depict Dumpsters on the CBS studio lot overflowing with set materials and cast members from both shows. "The shows are dead. Gone. Not coming back. Ever. I promise." said Moonves. "Hopefully, this will put everyone's fears to rest and we can all get on with our lives."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

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