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I'm Warning You, Dick Clark, Don't Point at Me...

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - That's right, music impresario-cum-mega-producer Dick Clark, you'd best pull back that finger if you don't want to be pulling back a bloody stump. Oh, now it's time for the "innocent eyes" from Mister Ageless. Drop the act. Quit representing, Homes. You know you come on strong with those hands, waving them like a hypochondriac in a West Nile mosquito swarm when you talk, and making that little pinch-point with your thumb and forefinger when you get to the funny part. Enough! Enough I say! I get the joke WITHOUT your digital punctuation! Deaf I am not, nor humor-challenged. Yes, you may ask me to watch the next reel of rib-tickling bloopers. But assault me not with your fevered explanations of why they're funny. I won't lambaste you for your winces and your fake hearty laughter, either, if you simply pull back those emphatic mitts of yours. Maybe you had to explain things to co-host Ed McMahon. But he's not there with you anymore. I am a patient man. I will grant you one more chance to curb your riotous paws. After that, well, point -- point if you dare -- point, I say, only at your own peril.

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

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