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August 13, 2002



Incompetent Space Aliens Create Shitty Crop Pattern

BAINBRIDGE, Iowa (DPI) - Long-time American heartland farmer Herb Campbell was irritated this morning to discover a poorly designed crop pattern in his wheat field. "Gus Bingham down the road has a really nice one, very symmetrical and eerily futuristic-looking," said Campbell. "But just look at the crappy job those aliens did in *my* field -- the circles aren't round, the lines aren't straight, and the whole thing lacks flow and cosmic energy." Campbell's discovery points to a disturbing recent trend of artistically inept crop-circle making. The 64 year old was embarrassed by his find, saying, "Hell, if I was the supposedly 'advanced lifeform' that made this steaming pile, I'd deny it and pass it off as a hoax by drunken high school kids."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Newly Released Microsoft Windows Code Destroys Seattle

TACOMA, Wash. (DPI) - To comply with the government's antitrust agreement, Microsoft today released several hundred pieces of Windows programming code, which quickly pillaged nearby Seattle. "We've never seen such horrible methods and sub-routines, and they leave us defenseless against the bloodthirsty protocols!" a police spokesman said. Washington's governor has requested federal assistance to combat the Windows code, but experts warn that the programs will be difficult to stop since they feed on infrastructure and human flesh.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Heartstring Pullers Working Overtime for 9/11 Anniversary

NEW YORK (DPI) - With the Sept. 11 anniversary upcoming, the Union of Emotional Manipulators finds itself unable to meet demand for sappy heartstring-pulling materials. Every facet of the union is laboring on unending shifts, from workers putting puppy dogs in American flag sweaters for television to songwriters toiling on soaring commemorative anthems for soft drink companies. To stem the tide, the union has put together "mini-manipulation" kits with American flag lapel pins and guides on the most sincere way to utter, "Don't let the terrorists win."

(Reported by Davejames)


FOX Dangerously Low on Wild Police Videos

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The FOX Network and its sister station, FX, have asked the public for help in providing exciting and dangerous situations for its popular "World's Wildest Police Videos" show. "Car chases in particular are in demand, but we can use more drunken shirtless people getting pulled out of their homes as well," said FOX spokesman Ronald Hobart. "We will pay on a case-by-case basis for opportunities to film, and citizens can call a toll-free number to let us know ahead when they're about to do something exciting." Hobart ended with, "Oh, and crime does not pay."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



U.S. to Topple Saddam With Help of Iraq's Ewoks


WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House expressed anger today over a recent New York Times article that revealed the president's plan to oust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein by galvanizing the country's ewoks. "I've seen *Return of the Jedi* on several occasions, and I am consistently impressed with the fighting skills of those little guys," responded President Bush. "The Iraqis are preparing for a full-scale air assault or perhaps a massive attack by ground troops. I believe that an ewok-driven attack consisting of slingshots, rocks, and big piles of logs that roll downhill into people would catch the Iraqis completely off guard."

(Reported by Miles Walker)




Germany Faces Dark Past, Apologizes for Hasslehoff Fixation

UN Dismisses Saddam's Fiery Speech, "Pressed Ham"

Tropical Depression Placed on Prozac

Middle East Violence Explodes as Israeli Wife Finds Strip Club Receipt

AMA Joins Forces With DEA to Prohibit the Growing of Dickweed

Houston Texans to Restate Win/Loss Expectations

Madden Just as Unfunny as Miller, Twice as Slow

Bug Ends Pointless Life in Burst of Windshield Glory

Ashcroft to Be Replaced By Mel Carnahan's Rotting Corpse

Remodeling Project Stretches Definition of "Improvement"

More headlines




Kids Pissed at Parents for Naming Them Cody, Dakota, and Sierra

I'm Warning You, Dick Clark, Don't Point at Me...




I Can't Sleep

4:00 A.M. IN FRONT OF TV (DPI) - God damn it, it's four o'clock in the goddamn morning and I can't fucking go to sleep. I've gotta get up in three hours so I can at least get a decent breakfast, take a shower and maybe watch a little of "The Early Show" before I head out the door. Why can't I goddamn fall asleep? What the hell am I watching anyway? What is this? "Card Sharks." It's four in the goddamn morning and I'm gonna be late for work in the morning because I'm watching the Game Show Network? Goddamn it.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Water Board to Charge "Bottled" Rate

WESTBROOK, Conn. (DPI) - Because of new "bottled" rates initiated by the local water department, Westbrook homeowners were billed an average of $1,500 each for city water for the month of July. "The spring water people buy is actually city water right from the tap," Water Czar James Browning explained. "So we figured, if people pay $1.50 for a 24-ounce sport bottle at the store, they'll pay that much for it out of the tap." People aren't just drinking it, says Browning, they're using it for taking baths and boiling rotini. "We just figured how much it would cost in little bottles, and adjusted the price, assuming that maybe you had a coupon or something," he said.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)


Bush's Annual Physical Detects Cognitive, Tool-Making Abilities

WASHINGTON (DPI) - At his annual physical this week, President Bush stunned Navy doctors by fashioning a tool for a specific task using new materials not encountered in the wild. The discovery was made by accident when doctors left Bush alone in an examination room for a few minutes, then returned to find that Bush had bent several tongue-depressors to form hooks capable of retrieving lollipops from a tall jar on the counter. "We left Bush alone again later with more depressors," said Lt. Commander Paul Schultz. "Nine times out of 10 he solved the problem to perfection." The 10th time he got a depressor stuck in his ear, Schultz said.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Middle East Bitter at Feudin' Award Loss

GENEVA (DPI) - In a rare moment of unity, Israeli and Palestinian officials released a joint statement condemning the giving of the International Feud Council's Hatfield and McCoy Most Ornery Feudin' Award to the US and Iraq. The award, given each year to the people or countries that best embody the famous families' noble battle for honor in the face of escalating consequences, has been awarded to such varied types as David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, and Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb. Despite the countries' statement, the Council issued no reply.

(Reported by Davejames)


Ted Williams Thawing for Sports Memorabilia Show
Americans Support War Against Saddam's Zima Manufacturing Operations
Vin Diesel a "Regular Guy," Cites Vin Diesel
Braveheart Shit Ineffective Against Aliens
WorldCom Discovers $3.3B in Misstated Profits, Hoffa's Body, My Pants
*NSyncer Bass So Excited About Space Flight, Hasn't Closed Eyes in 3 Years
Estate of John Holmes Restates Penis Length
Saddam: Don't Make Me Use My Angry Face
Shaved Head More Creepy Than Cool
Jason Priestly Press Release: "Ow"
Al-Qaida Sets Date for Baseball Strike
Conservatism Linked to Alzheimer's




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