August 13, 2002
Incompetent Space Aliens Create Shitty Crop Pattern
BAINBRIDGE, Iowa (DPI) - Long-time American heartland farmer Herb Campbell
was irritated this morning to discover a poorly designed crop
pattern in his wheat field.
"Gus Bingham down the road has a really nice one,
very symmetrical and eerily futuristic-looking," said Campbell. "But
just look at the crappy job those aliens did in
*my* field -- the circles aren't round, the lines
aren't straight, and the whole thing lacks flow and
cosmic energy." Campbell's discovery points to a disturbing recent
trend of artistically inept crop-circle making. The 64 year old
was embarrassed by his find, saying, "Hell, if I was the
supposedly 'advanced lifeform' that made this steaming pile, I'd
deny it and pass it off as a hoax by drunken high school
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Newly Released Microsoft Windows Code Destroys Seattle
TACOMA, Wash. (DPI) - To comply with the government's antitrust
agreement, Microsoft today released several hundred pieces of Windows
code, which quickly pillaged nearby Seattle. "We've never seen such
horrible methods and sub-routines, and they leave us defenseless against
the bloodthirsty protocols!" a police spokesman said. Washington's governor
has requested federal assistance to combat the Windows code, but experts
warn that the programs will be difficult to stop since they feed on
infrastructure and human flesh.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Heartstring Pullers Working Overtime for 9/11 Anniversary
NEW YORK (DPI) - With the Sept. 11 anniversary upcoming, the
Union of Emotional Manipulators finds itself unable to meet demand for sappy
Every facet of the union is laboring on unending shifts, from workers
putting puppy dogs in American flag sweaters for television to
songwriters toiling on soaring commemorative anthems for soft drink
companies. To stem the tide,
the union has put together "mini-manipulation" kits with American flag
lapel pins and guides on the most sincere way to utter, "Don't let the
(Reported by Davejames)
FOX Dangerously Low on Wild Police Videos
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The FOX Network and its sister station, FX, have asked the
public for help in providing exciting and dangerous situations for its
popular "World's Wildest Police Videos" show. "Car chases in particular are
in demand, but we can use more drunken shirtless people getting pulled out
of their homes as well," said FOX spokesman Ronald Hobart. "We will pay on
a case-by-case basis for opportunities to film, and citizens can call a
toll-free number to let us know ahead when they're about to do something
exciting." Hobart ended with, "Oh, and crime does not pay."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
U.S. to Topple Saddam With Help of Iraq's Ewoks
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House expressed anger
today over a recent New York Times article that
revealed the president's plan to oust Iraqi leader
Saddam Hussein by galvanizing the country's ewoks.
"I've seen *Return of the Jedi* on several occasions,
and I am consistently impressed with the fighting
skills of those little guys," responded
President Bush. "The Iraqis are preparing for a full-scale air assault or
perhaps a massive attack by
ground troops. I believe that an ewok-driven attack
consisting of slingshots, rocks, and big
piles of logs that roll downhill into people would
catch the Iraqis completely off guard."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Germany Faces Dark Past, Apologizes for Hasslehoff Fixation
UN Dismisses Saddam's Fiery Speech, "Pressed Ham"
Tropical Depression Placed on Prozac
Middle East Violence Explodes as Israeli Wife Finds Strip Club Receipt
AMA Joins Forces With DEA to Prohibit the Growing of Dickweed
Houston Texans to Restate Win/Loss Expectations
Madden Just as Unfunny as Miller, Twice as Slow
Bug Ends Pointless Life in Burst of Windshield Glory
Ashcroft to Be Replaced By Mel Carnahan's Rotting Corpse
Remodeling Project Stretches Definition of "Improvement"
Kids Pissed at Parents for Naming Them Cody, Dakota, and Sierra
I'm Warning You, Dick Clark, Don't Point at Me...
I Can't Sleep
4:00 A.M. IN FRONT OF TV (DPI) - God damn it, it's four o'clock in the goddamn
morning and I can't fucking go to sleep. I've gotta get up in three hours so
I can at least get a decent breakfast, take a shower and maybe watch a
little of "The Early Show" before I head out the door. Why can't I
goddamn fall asleep? What the hell am I watching anyway? What is this? "Card
Sharks." It's four in the goddamn morning and I'm gonna be late for work in
the morning because I'm watching the Game Show Network? Goddamn it.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Water Board to Charge "Bottled" Rate
WESTBROOK, Conn. (DPI) - Because of new "bottled" rates initiated by
the local water department, Westbrook homeowners were billed an average of
$1,500 each for city water for the month of July. "The spring water people
buy is actually city
water right from the tap," Water Czar James Browning explained. "So we
figured, if people pay $1.50 for a 24-ounce sport bottle
at the store, they'll pay that much for it out of the tap."
People aren't just drinking it, says Browning, they're using it for taking
baths and boiling rotini. "We just figured how much it would cost in little
bottles, and adjusted the price, assuming that maybe you had a
coupon or something," he said.
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)
Bush's Annual Physical Detects Cognitive, Tool-Making Abilities
WASHINGTON (DPI) - At his annual physical this week, President Bush
stunned Navy doctors by fashioning a tool for a specific task using new
not encountered in the wild. The discovery was made by accident when
doctors left Bush alone in an examination room for a few minutes, then
returned to find that Bush had bent several tongue-depressors to form
hooks capable of retrieving lollipops from a tall jar on the counter.
"We left Bush alone again later with
more depressors," said Lt. Commander Paul Schultz. "Nine times out of 10 he
the problem to perfection." The 10th time he got a depressor stuck in
his ear, Schultz said.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Middle East Bitter at Feudin' Award Loss
GENEVA (DPI) - In a rare moment of unity, Israeli and Palestinian
officials released a joint statement condemning the giving of the
International Feud Council's Hatfield and McCoy Most Ornery Feudin'
Award to the US and Iraq. The award, given each year to the people or
countries that best embody the famous families' noble battle for honor
in the face of escalating consequences, has been awarded to such varied
types as David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, and Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb.
Despite the countries' statement, the Council issued no reply.
(Reported by Davejames)
Ted Williams Thawing for Sports Memorabilia Show
Americans Support War Against Saddam's Zima Manufacturing Operations
Vin Diesel a "Regular Guy," Cites Vin Diesel
Braveheart Shit Ineffective Against Aliens
WorldCom Discovers $3.3B in Misstated Profits, Hoffa's Body, My Pants
*NSyncer Bass So Excited About Space Flight, Hasn't Closed Eyes in 3 Years
Estate of John Holmes Restates Penis Length
Saddam: Don't Make Me Use My Angry Face
Shaved Head More Creepy Than Cool
Jason Priestly Press Release: "Ow"
Al-Qaida Sets Date for Baseball Strike
Conservatism Linked to Alzheimer's