August 15, 2005
CURRENT ISSUE Week of August 15-19, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Today's News Sunshine Happy Vibes Rap Festival Tour Cancelled DETROIT (DPI) — Poor ticket sales and lack of media interest have caused the promoters of the Sunshine Happy Vibes rap festival tour to cancel all of the remaining shows on the tour. Tour co-headliners Plezzant-G and Conviviuhl took the news in stride, saying, "I guess the world jus' ain't ready for happy rap — or 'hap-hop,' as we like to call it." Rapper DJ Gleeful was less sanguine: "Man, this sucks. Now where will people go when they want to hear uplifting rap music?" Despite the cancellation, the tour's other performers — ChipperGuy, Xstatic, the Merry Mobb, Jewbilant and Tikkled Peenk — are reported to be in good spirits. (Reported by Tristan Fabriani) Disneyland Overthrown in Bloodless Coup DUCKLAMABAD, IDRQ (DPI) — Guests at Disneyland yesterday were shocked to hear an announcement that after a quiet and bloodless coup, Disneyland is now a sovereign nation controlled by a virulent faction of religious separatists. "Citizens of Disneyland, the revolution is over and your infidel rodent has lost," a disembodied voice said over loudspeakers. "You now stand in the Imperial Ducklamic Republic of Quackistan." In his inaugural address, Grand Ayatollah Huey al Donaldi informed the stunned occupants of the former Happiest Place On Earth that no harm would come to those who kneel before him and "cleanse (their) heads of the infernal contamination left behind by the earhat of The Dark One and don the tilted sailor's cap of righteousness." (Reported by Lars Eisenberg) Mythbusters Bust "Your Mother's a Slut" Myth SAN DIEGO, Calif. (DPI) — Your mother has been scientifically proven not to be a slut, according to the Discovery Channel's hit show Mythbusters. Co-stars Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman and the Mythbusters build team recently took a case of wine and a stack of romantic CD's to your mom's house to test the age-old schoolyard taunt about your mother's sexual proclivities. After several hours of romantic mood-setting by the Mythbusters crew, not once did your mother even hint at arousal, saying only that Adam and Jamie "seemed to be nice boys." On the other hand, your sister, who was paying your mom a visit while in town on business, tossed her panties at the feet of build team member Kari Byron after only two glasses of chardonnay. (Reported by Carl Knorr) Headlines Rove Admits Displaying "Ask Me About Valerie Plame" Bumper Sticker Rolling Stones: New Song Dubya Is a Dumbass Not Aimed at Bush American Men Panic as Gas Prices Approach Hooker Prices Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones to Meet in Voice-Over Finals Downer McKilljoy's Invitation Lost in the Mail Again Frist Supports Stem Cell Research; Hitler Wins First Annual Snowboarding Competition in Hell Probeatorials Those Cum-Hungry Teens Better Have Their Homework Done A guest Probeatorial by Edward L. Roth I know it's all the thing now for kids today, having wild dorm orgies with scantily-clad college bunnies, but I can't help wondering if all of these girls have their homework done. Do you think your dads sent you off to college just so you can slurp massive cocks? I think the parents who are paying those tuition bills deserve a little reassurance, young lady. It's important for any young person, even real live college girls 18-21 who just can't get enough hardcore anal action, to take responsibility for their own education. "Barely legal," my foot. How about opening a book now and then, instead of just opening your hot holes for non-stop pounding? I think it's important for these coeds to realize that they can't let the world blow its load all over their chances for a decent college education. It's the parents paying the tuition bills, so it's up to these young buxom blondes and brunettes to remember to keep the cum-slurping in the dorm where it belongs and the studying in the appropriate place: The campus library. (Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)       Today's Daily Probe Special Feature Riding Shotgun   With Adventure   by Ron Langston   Chapter 109: That's No Typo They woke me up with a phone call, "You're going to, let's see, er-uh-tree-a." It's troubling when the wake-up guy can't even pronounce the place, let alone that the two largest families in the Greek city of Eretria want me dead for a misunderstanding involving their daughters' chastity. Of course the destination is, in fact, the country of Eritrea, and we're going on a terrorist hunt. First things first: I need to take care of the reporter next door with his ear to the wall and Karl Rove on speed-dial. I noisily book a faux flight to Athens, lest Novak blurt my name on CNN before my plane even lands in Asmara. Done. Every time you think you've perfectly defined the phrase 'hell-hole,' you're bound to arrive a few days later in a place like Eritrea. While kudos are due this relatively new country for its independence from Ethiopia — of all places — any differences pre- and post-independence escaped me. I donned a burqa and melted, literally, into the crowd as the 100-percent humidity and 130-degree heat made me sweat out everything I'd consumed within the last 12 hours, right down to the in-flight pretzels. With my veiled vision, I began my hunt with my back-up disguise at the ready: a bin Laden T-shirt and a highly flammable Stars and Stripes. Looking for a nameless terrorist in a country where the main political party is the Eritrean Islamic Jihad is a little like looking for an unknown needle in a big pile of needles. Nonetheless, most of the natives were kind, even friendly. I began to think our intel had been wrong. I was trying to remember the last time it had been right when a gang of troubled youths descended upon me from many directions. Disguise number one came off quickly, and while the burning flag began crisping two screaming pursuers, I made it to the escape point alone. Now comes the difficult decision of the neighboring country in which to seek refuge: Sudan, Ethiopia, Yemen, or Saudi Arabia. I've seen lists of STDs that looked more promising. Next week -- Chapter 110: Men Beheading Badly (Transcribed by Otis Garcia) The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.