August 17, 2005
CURRENT ISSUE Week of August 15-19, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Today's News War Protestor Elevated From "Quirky" to "Cunt" CRAWFORD, Texas (DPI) — The Bush administration has officially elevated the status of Cindy Sheehan from "Quirky Nuisance" to "Bit of a Cunt." This is a jump from blue to orange on the president's new public-dissent meter. The elevation followed several weeks of Sheehan protesting the death of her son outside the president's Texas ranch. "At first I felt sorry for her," said Bush. "Her son was killed in Iraq, which is really sad. Now it's been two weeks and the bitch needs to get off my lawn. I can't personally meet with everyone who has lost a son in Iraq. I wouldn't have any time for golf and weeding." With media coverage of the protest increasing steadily, Sheehan will likely reach red or "intolerable whore" by early next week. (Reported by Scott Haworth) Hummer Announces New "H6" Sensible Family Wagon DETROIT (DPI) — General Motors announced today the newest member of the Hummer Assault Vehicle product line: a sensible family sedan called H6. Flush with the success of H2, a Chevy Suburban tarted up to look like a military tank, and H3, a similarly repackaged Chevy Colorado, GM has decided to move the Hummer's "macho styling" even further downstream. "Consumers seem very happy to pay us thousands of extra dollars to take one of our basic low-end vehicles, make it even uglier, and destroy whatever handling, performance and gas mileage it may have had in the name of style," stated GM President Gary Cowger. H6 is based on the 1966 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser station wagon and is being marketed as a sensible alternative for young families who need practical transportation in a military assault vehicle form factor. (Reported by Joseph Moore) Israel Pulls Out of Liza JERUSALEM (DPI) — Fulfilling its promise, Israel has withdrawn from Liza Minelli and ejaculated on the sheets. "It is not in the long-term interests of Israel to risk an entangling relationship with Liza," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon told his nation. "She is not Jewish, she has a history of instability, and Lord knows what diseases or terrorist organizations are running rampart in her." After the Israeli withdrawal, members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad danced around Ms. Minelli, singing New York, New York and the theme from Arthur. (Reported by David Kass) Headlines Israeli Wives Forcibly Remove Husbands From Gaza Strip Clubs Greek Crash Victims Frozen in Feta Position Millions of Exam Veterans Outraged to Learn There's No Such Thing as a Prostate Queen Elizabeth II Offically Names Snoop Dogg "Tha Dizzuke of Gangstashire" Alabama Zombies Make Terrifying Mockery of "South Will Rise Again" Probeatorials Chinese Spam: Capitalism Has Defeated Mao At Last! A guest Probeatorial by Gary Murphy A few days ago, I received a piece of e-mail with a title that looked like my inbox threw up after a long night of ANSI shooters. Being curious (and virus-protected), I opened it. At that time my server informed me that I would need to install a Chinese font in order to read the e-mail properly. "Chinese?" I thought to myself. "Who do I know in China that doesn't realize I only speak English?" Why, nobody, of course. That can mean only one thing: The Chinese have hopped on the Spam wagon, destination -- capitalism! Hooray (or would that be Hu-Rei?)! I got so excited about this global socioeconomic breakthrough that I purchased a Chinese font package -- just to read this spam! China and spam are such a natural fit when you think about it. Apply all the standard stereotypes Americans harbor about the Chinese to standard Spam topics: Male Enhancement: Everybody has heard of some sort of traditional Chinese herbal aphrodisiac, rod stiffener or pecker- picker-upper, right? Well, why not garner top yuan from the round-eyes over here who spend billions on prescriptions just for that purpose? Low-Interest Loans: Chinese frugality is a common source of chuckles for night-club comics, so receiving a low-cost refinancing option from a Xi'an boiler-room operation just seems natural. Porn: Have you seen China's population recently? They bang. They bang a lot! Something has to get them going, and pictures of hot naked Chinese ladies in various randy positions would definitely do the trick! Heck — I'm sporting bamboo right now just thinking about it! Nigerian-Style 519 Scams: The conditions are indeed ripe an oppressive central government, scads of corrupt provincial and local officials, and commodities to corner markets on and skim profits from are abundant. Besides, when someone is lured with the false promise of reward only to be captured and held for ransom, is he or she said to be "Tokyo'd?" Man oh man — I just can't wait to see what unsolicited offers may await me from the People's Republic of Commerce! I'm installing the font right now! Come on, porn! Go porn! Oh baby... Dammit!  Now why the hell would I want to buy a fake Rolex? (Transcribed by Carl Knorr)       Today's Daily Probe Special Feature Ask Zarxnol The premier child psychologist on his home planet Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. Dear Zarxnol, I'm worried about my son Junior. He gets huggy with his little boy friends. He'll even kiss them sometimes, but he won't so much as touch the little girls he plays with. I know he's only four and he'll probably grow out of it, but I'm still a bit concerned that he could grow up gay. Is there anything I can do to set him straight? Worried in Worcester Worried: Your question has solved a mystery that has plagued me since arriving on this puddle-pocked planet what feels like millenia ago, and for that I reluctantly thank you. That question: Why are the males of these mange-plagued species of baboons-with- dental-plans not entrusted with the difficult child-rearing duties? Cretin! Your spawn is nigh a third of the age of puberty, yet already you fear for his sexual proclivities — and why? Because Junior follows verbatim the teachings of the purple-carpeted dinosaur whose televised counsel you thrust him before for hours on end while you perform maintenance on your lawn care equipment and pleasure yourself to gotmilf.com. Obviously, Wor, you do not appreciate that homosexuality is merely an evolutionary check on the spread of the epidemic scourge called humanity. My limited observation and abundance of anecdotal tuition attest that homosexual males tend to be compassionate, fashionable, creative, thoughtful and attentive while possessing all the advantages the male of the species is granted over the female by nature. Your women should rightly be insatiable love sponges for such compelling men, producing ten offspring each in hopes that but one were as grand and well-rounded as its sire. Were it not for the gay male proclivity to cleave to each other, Mr. Ried, the mouth-breathing, genital-scratching, Chee-to dust-covered, knuckle-dragging slogs such as your pathetic self that make up the overwhelming human male majority would never get sex without requiring the deployment of hand cream or an air pump. As it is, only by the grace of your females and their ability to fantasize of cavorting with their gay friends while their real mates flop and quiver atop their bellies does your wretched species maintain its average of two or three spawn per pairing. Indeed, Xargolia itself has a contingent of homosexuals who live to serve Him Most High of the Seven Teats and do so quite admirably. No, not THAT way, you abhorrent dung-chucker's cousin! Their most visible contribution to the furtherance of the Glorious Xargolian Empire is the military uniform they designed for His armed forces — smart, sharp and stylish, complementary to the soldier's muscularity while still light, comfortable and durable. Truly, our uniforms are a wonder to behold. Fret not, Wor. You and all of your Worcester will get a more than ample opportunity to observe the Xargolian Armed Forces uniforms soon enough. More accurately, you will be looking up to appreciate the functional flair in the heels of their boots as my Armies From the Sea stomp upon your vacuous skull. Off with you, Wretch! Regards, Zarxnol Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com (Translated by Carl Knorr)
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