August 19, 2005
CURRENT ISSUE Week of August 15-19, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Today's News BTK Murderer Apologizes for Lame Nickname EL DORADO, Kan. (DPI) — As convicted murderer Dennis Rader received 10 consecutive life sentences Thursday for the BTK murders, he expressed regret for not having a snazzier nickname. Telling the court that "bind, torture, kill" sounded like an ominous handle at the time, but didn't understand the confusion with the well known burger chain it would cause. "Many people thought I was the BK murderer and that I killed the actual Burger King, or I was somehow using a burger to kill people. I mean, burgers will kill you, but that takes literally decades." Rader blames his lame moniker, and choice of Kansas as a haunt, for lack of big time publicity and a missed chance for inclusion in the Serial Killer Hall of Fame. (Reported by Davejames) Congress Purchases Drunken Sailor WASHINGTON (DPI) — A $286-billion federal transportation bill signed into law last week includes funds to purchase a drunken sailor for Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska).  "After all the bridges to nowhere and traffic cone museums we're spending money on, I figured I deserved a little treat just for myself," said Young. "Now if you'll excuse me, Salty Pete and I have to go cruise the waterfront." Other spending projects in the bill include purchasing 2,000 pairs of shoes for Rep. Katherine Harris (R-Fla.) and a legal defense for House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. (Reported by Slick Sharkey) "Piss Off the Audience" Strategy Takes Advertising Industry by Storm HOLLYWOOD (DPI) — America's fast-food companies have introduced a bold new idea for their advertising campaigns: Annoy the hell out of the audience. Lagging sales are said to be behind the seemingly desperate move by many of the nation's leading food corporations. "No one was paying attention to the bland advertising," said Wendy's spokesman Samantha Dumont. "Our focus groups proved that funny, well-thought-out or quiet television commercials just don't get the viewers' attention. That's how we came up with our latest spokesman, a really annoying tooth that constantly screams, 'Ranch!'" Burger King spokesman Kyle Reynolds agreed. "Some people hate country music, some people hate pop. Who hates guys in chicken costumes blaring death metal? Everybody, that's who," said Reynolds. In a press release issued yesterday, McDonald's said it hopes to outdo its competitors with the introduction next week of its "Try our new McGriddle sandwich! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" campaign. (Reported by Scott Haworth) Headlines Confused Israeli Troops Remove Irish Setters From Gaza Microsoft: Windows 2000 Worm "Won't Cause Any Problems That Weren't Already There" Grocers Discount Spring Water as Fall Water Season Approaches Exasperated Prince Charles Gives Up Waiting, Goes on Global Skateboard Tour With His Royal Peeps Madonna Injured While Riding Horse in Non-Whorish Manner In-Depth Softball Commissioner Announces Crackdown on "Performance-Enhancing" Nacho Jalapeños DULUTH, Minn. (DPI) — After three of the league's biggest stars have tested positive for digesting "performance-enhancing" nachos before games, Major League Softball Commissioner Gus Gorman today issued a stern warning to his players. "[Chew chew] Lay off the peppers," Gorman said through a mouthful of jumbo-sized ballpark cheese taquito. The peppers in question increase the body's metabolism, allowing players to digest fatty snack foods and beer faster and thereby creating an unfair, unnatural advantage on the field. Gorman said the fans come to the game to watch the players use their natural, "God-given" talent for athleticism and digestion, not to see a false representation of their alleged talents. "We all know that eating spicy jalapeño peppers with a standard MLS bucket of chlii nachos increases metabolism and burns off food faster [sllllllurp], so those players don't have to work as hard as others do," Gorman said between large, loud sips from a can of Coors Light. "The fans don't want that for softball, so I don't want that for softball [burp]." Gorman announced a new form of punishment for players who test positive for jalapeños, which will become standard MLS policy at the start of the playoffs. Players who fail one test must sit out one game and get the coach a beer. Players who fail a six-month standard follow-up test must sit out for the remainder of the season and take on the beer run duties for every remaining game. Players who fail a third and final test during their suspension must run the park concession stand and roast a suckling pig for the team's season ender. When asked if the league was more concerned about the health of their players than the outcome of their games, Gorman washed down a mouthful of Corn Nuts with a lukewarm Lone Star Beer and responded, "Absolutely." (Reported by Danny Gallagher)       Today's Daily Probe Special Feature Monday 8th August I have finally finished the Camino of Santiago de Campostela, a five-hundred-mile walk across northern Spain in honor of Saint James, that great doctor of the church who gave us licorice, neck rubs and fiber optic cable, among other things. I believe he may have tidied up some doctrine or other that kept us from seeing eye-to-eye with the Manicheanists, too. Not sure. But I have joined the company of Lance Armstrong and the other great athletes of all time and learned what true suffering is: lying in a refugio at night, head-to-foot with pilgrims and breathing deeply their steel-corroding stank and listening to their rheumy, last-trump snores, knowing that my sleeplessness would be like another fifty pounds in the rucksack the next day. Wednesday 17th August After my pilgrimage, I retreat to Ireland, to search in the manner of the great McCarthy for a bar with the name Moth carved above its door. So far no luck, but I did find one called Dog and Butterfly, which the proprietor, one Fletcher Macalester, tells me is an homage to an ancient deed of Finn McCool's. Last night I spent a cold and lonely night in the Burren, wandering among the monstrous formations in the moonscape, pulling desperately at a half bottle of Power's, looking for I know not what, runes perhaps, or a Spirit to guide me to a fuller understanding of where I come from, who I am. Unseen animals sighed from around me in the darkness, and off in the distance a few banshees howled, raising the feeling of terrible impending calamity. I finally fell down a hole where I determined to spend the night out of the howling wind and away from the possibility of mischance or evildoing. Pulled on my pampooties, then took my notebook from my bag, fired it up, and accessing a satellite a few hundred miles directly above me, joined a group of retirees in Ballynagoll playing contact canasta online.
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