CURRENT ISSUE 8/17/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Probe Interview McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Probe Poll Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Study: Carbohydrate Consumption Reduces Chances of Being Perceived as an Asshole PALO ALTO, Calif. (DPI) - A newly published Stanford University study has shown that eating carbohydrates can dramatically reduce one's chances of being perceived as an asshole. While the data has yet to be independently verified, the authors of the study, the culmination of more than two years of tests and research, are confident in their results. "Initially, we were hoping to prove or disprove the benefits of the low-carbohydrate Atkins diet," Allain Baer, chairman of the Stanford University Nutritionology Department, said in an exclusive Daily Probe interview. "But before we even began looking at the physical data, the psychological correlations were obvious and inescapable." The study found that a person can reduce the likelihood of asshole-perception by carbohydrate consumers by as much as 98 percent simply by incorporating carbohydrates into the diet. "We began with a group of people following the Atkins diet, which requires the practice of counting carbs, and a control group of people eating a normal diet, including carbohydrates," said Baer. "Within a couple of days, it was clear that the carb counters were a bunch of assholes. In fact, 100 percent of the 50 subjects in the Atkins group were perceived as being assholes. Aside from their diet, their assholishness has been attributed to their constantly talking about their diet, commenting on and criticizing other people's diets and generally just not shutting the fuck up about the goddamned Atkins diet. No matter how much we assured them the food we were supplying was low- or no-carb, they demanded to see the label. And in a related study of carb-counters outside of the laboratory, the results were even more prominent. They'd ask questions like how many carbs are in a glass of water, or send back a salad with croutons rather than just picking them off like a non-asshole would. The data is conclusive: Counting carbs makes you look like an asshole." "In contrast, the carbohydrate-consumption group showed only a 2-percent rate of asshole-perception, where only one of the group's 50 participants was obviously an asshole, and he was a Yankees fan. Interestingly enough, he displayed the exact same traits of being an asshole as the Atkins subjects, except that instead of being obsessed with carb-counting, it was the Yankees." Baer said that although a carbohydrate-rich diet is no guarantee of not being viewed as an asshole, it does clearly reduce the risk. "We can all take some comfort in the fact that those people who are counting carbs have been reduced to drinking piss like Miller and Bud Light," said Baer. "Fucking assholes." (Reported by R.M. Weiner)
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