Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman,
Drill Instructor

Dear Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, I've been working as a lowly analyst for a telecommunications company for about seven years. I've watched as everyone I was hired with has been promoted above me, while I haven't even seen so much as a cost-of-living increase. I want to say something, but I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Help! Passed Over In Phoenix Dear POIP, Jesus Fucking Christ, sound off like you've GOT a pair! Do I look like your mama's tit? DO I? Then quit SUCKING on it, you whiny little TUMOR! Do you still think you're back on DADDY'S FARM, Susie? HELL NO! You're in TELECOM now, soldier! Your days of finger-banging Mary J. Rottencrotch through her frilly pink panties are OVER! HOLY FUCK, don't try too hard. If God had wanted you up at the top of your organization, he would have MIRACLED your ass up there, wouldn't he? You had best UN-FUCK yourself, NUMB NUTS, or you're going to spend the rest of your PATHETIC FUCKING CAREER at the bottom of the LATRINE with the rest of the TURDS! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGGOT? Sgt. Hartman Dear Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, I've been dating this girl for about four years, and everything is going great. The thing is, she's bugging me about moving in together and maybe getting married. Now, I'm no commitment-phobe, but I do want to keep my options open still. After all, I'm still young. I'm right, right? Feeling Pressured Dear FP, HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF CRAP! You write letters like OLD PEOPLE FUCK! What is your MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMB NUTS? Do you think this girl is just gonna let you COME OVER whenever you want and rub your PATHETIC, CHEESE-RIDDEN PHALLUS against her whenever it's FUCKING CONVENIENT for you? You make me SICK you WORTHLESS piece of CAMEL SHIT! You had best UN-FUCK yourself, you USELESS, WOMAN-USING PLAYER, or I will rip out your eyes and SKULL-FUCK you! You COMMIT to this girl or you will see me in your FUCKING NIGHTMARES! You WILL be in a WORLD of SHIT! Do you READ ME, SHIT FOR BRAINS??? I am gonna rip your BALLS OFF so you cannot contaminate the REST of the world! Sgt. Hartman

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)