CURRENT ISSUE 08/19/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News From Travistan Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Coleman Will Only Have to Guard Mall on Weekends If Elected SANTA MONICA, Calif. (DPI) - Owners of the Park Palisades Mall are conditionally endorsing gubernatorial candidate/security guard Gary Coleman. If Coleman is elected governor, they propose that he will only have to guard their mall on weekends. Clark Gordon, spokesman for the holding company that controls P.P.M., read from a prepared statement on Monday. "We have enjoyed a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Mr. Coleman," he said. "We have been particularly impressed with his willingness to follow suspicious persons into the washrooms and his zero-tolerance stance on loitering. If he brings half that passion to our state's capital, Californians will be well-served." Gordon said the mall's owners would be willing to go so far as to move Coleman's Saturday and Sunday shifts around to coincide with the Sacramento bus schedule. The decision to require Coleman to guard the mall on weekends is seen by company insiders to be as symbolic as it is prudent. "Park Palisades is one of the few retail shopping centers in California that's actually turning a profit." said Gordon. "That makes us something special. Mr. Coleman has played a role in this, however small. We feel he cannot turn his back on that." (Reported by Brad Osberg)
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