CURRENT ISSUE 8/20/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: The Cages Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Housewives Quietly Rejoicing as School Year Begins AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) - As the yellow buses roll away at 7:20 a.m., housewives nationwide are waving goodbye to the little ones and returning to quiet, empty homes. After a misery-filled three months of spilled Kool-Aid, sibling rivalries and endless hours of Barney, joy is returning to the suburbs. "With a solid seven hours of solitude, I can start drinking by 9 a.m. and be sobered up in time to slap a frozen Swanson entrée into the microwave before my husband comes home," Trixie Hawthorne of Fort Wayne, Ind., explained recently. "Over the summer, the kids all but shut down mommy's little wine time." But the homemakers have learned not to vocalize their happiness. "We've got a good little thing going here," boasted Kit Holden of Austin, Texas. "The last thing we need is our jerk husbands telling us to go back to work." Favorite activities most likely to return will include frivolous shoe shopping, non-stop eating, and ogling the neighbor's lawn-care guy. "I'm really looking forward to catching up on my soap operas," exclaimed Tina Werthers, devoted fan of The Guiding Light. "I have no idea who's sleeping with who anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and all, but if we have to pay taxes for these schools, the least I deserve is a nine-month break from the little monkeys." The adventures that will take place between now and next May are numerous, but are not expected to include much cooking and cleaning. Patty Stewart of Chino, Calif., said she plans to secretly hire a maid so she can finally take Raul's Jazzercise class, if she can only get her pesky wedding ring to come off. Patty summed up the sentiment of housewives across the country, saying, "Thank God for education!" (Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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