August 22, 2005




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August 22-26,
2005


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Today's News


Roberts Papers: Women Are Smelly Smelly With Butts of Jelly


WASHINGTON (DPI) -- A review of confiscated notes from Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts Jr. -- passed during his tenure as an elementary school student -- shows that Roberts consistently found women to be "yucky like boogers." One note went as far as to liken women's thought process to fecal matter. Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women, reacted unfavorably, saying, "[Roberts] continued reference to women as 'doo doo heads' shows he does not believe they have the ability make reproductive choices about their bodies." The White House defended the Roberts notes, pointing out that Roberts himself later became a booger-eater, clearly proving the Judge's views could evolve over time.

(Reported by Davejames)




Nagging About Drinking Destroys Another Marriage

SAN DIEGO (DPI) -- Local bar staple Chuck Pierson, 49, split with his wife, Joanna, on Sunday, making this his third marriage destroyed by a nagaholic wife. "It runs in families," said Pierson, who had a mother and maternal grandmother who also suffered an inability to stop nagging about their husbands' chronic drinking. Nagaholism experts note that the disease generally begins socially with gentle ribbing, quickly spiraling into mocking, pleading, and lastly into full-blown bitching. Some extreme nagaholics will take to nagging aloud to themselves as late as 3 or 4 a.m., even though the husband is away at the bar. "As much treatment as Joanna's gone through, the relapses were just too hard on our relationship," said Pierson. Pierson is currently undergoing intense post-split vodka therapy sessions.

(Reported by Davejames and Travis Reutenik)




Lance Armstrong Wears Differet Colored Shirt and Dies

PARIS (DPI) -- Cycling legend Lance Armstrong died yesterday after not wearing his yellow Tour de France jersey for the first time in seven years. "Like Samson losing his powers with the loss of his hair, Monsieur Armstrong could not sustain his life without the yellow jersey," said cycling analyst Jaques du Lac. But Paris police Capt. Pierre Montague offered a more earthly explanation, saying, "Monsieur Armstrong was apparently wearing a red shirt yesterday and was killed by a confused Star Trek fan."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Headlines


Memo Reveals Judge Roberts Was Fan of Love Boat

Israeli Settler Refuses to Pull Out of Wife

Toby Keith Says New Song Fuck You, Sir Big-Lipped Limey Pussy Not Aimed at Mick Jagger

Existence of "Intelligent Design" Proponents Disproves Theory

Anti-Salad Mom Protests Outside Hidden Valley Ranch

Rumsfeld Pays Surprise Visit to Reality



Daily Probe Interview


Carl Michelson, White House
Diminished Expectations Advisor

Although it will not say so publicly, the Bush administration is working behind the scenes to lower the bar for declaring success in Iraq. In futherance of this effort, the White House has tapped Carl Michelson, the country's principal expert in "diminished expectation strategy," to serve in an advisory role on Tuesday. The Daily Probe sat down with Mr. Michelson.


Daily Probe: It's good of you to meet with us.

Michelson: My pleasure, although this threw my schedule off a bit. I've started this new weight-loss program and I am usually working out at this time of day. Well, to tell the truth, I was on a seven-day cardio program, but I couldn't make time for any of those workouts at all. So now I am on a three-day program, all of which I also miss, but the number of missed workouts a week has come down radically. So I am proud of that. And I am only gaining a pound every few weeks, where I was gaining much more rapidly prior to the program. So, I have to say, a successful diet all around.

DP: Yes, yes, of course. To the subject at hand. The administration must view the situation in Iraq as a little muddier than it expected, if it is bringing in someone like you.

Michelson:  I wouldn't say so. Prior to our liberating of Iraq, one could walk down any street and see the inhumane dictator Saddam staring down at them from countless posters. As of this date, all of these posters have been removed. No posters means freedom. We have achieved our goal.

DP: Certainly you are not saying removal of posters--

Michelson: And Saddam as well, don't forget. But look anywhere from the novel 1984 to Stalin's USSR to today's North Korea. The sign, a correlation if you will, of pure oppression of a country's people, and that country's tendency to be cross-border aggressors, was the number of times you would pass that leader's cold eyes staring down at you from posters. Prior to the war, President Bush's only stated reasoning, and goal, was to capture Saddam and tear those posters down. We've done it. That is a 100-percent successful mission. We leave as triumphant spreaders of democratic freedom.

DP: But surely the stalled constitutional negotiations and in-fighting shows that democracy is still in its fledgling -

Michelson: I'm sorry, I wish I had time to go into more detail, but our agreed-upon two hours is all I can cull out of my day.

DP: Two hours? But it's been less than two minutes. That includes getting you a cup of coffee.

Michelson: Two minutes for you, perhaps. But in preparation, I've run possible questions and answers through my head for days, much more than a mere two hours. I think your readers will feel lucky to have gotten five or six hours of both my speaking and preparatory time, as we only agreed on the two. And five or six hours' time is certainly the most you've gotten out of anyone, I would venture to say. I think you can call this your best interview to date. Thank you.



(Transcribed by Davejames)




Today's Daily Probe Special Feature


ASK MR. SCIENCE!

Today:
Dr. Louis Tantino,
Professor of the Sciences,
Bob Jones University


Mr. Science,

There has been a rash of plane crashes lately. Has something changed -- perhaps in the weather patterns -- or is it just the odds coming into play?

Phil S.



Phil,

Some aircraft just obtain such speed and altitude that they threaten to crash through the gates of Heaven itself. A trespass of the sort spawn consequences no man can even imagine. These vessels are routinely smacked out of the sky by God. It is regrettable, but necessary. Another thing: Do you recall the great Albrecht Durer work painted in 1497, God Playing Dice? No, no you don't. So dismiss this foolish  talk of "odds coming into play" in a divinely guided Universe.

Mr. Science



Mr. Science,

What is the cause of cancer? I know there are many kinds, but I understand it may have something to do with "bad cells" or growth or something?

Taylor P.



Taylor,

Cancer? Sin burst forth in the form of disease. Spreading usually occurs from not praying the cancerous cells out of the body.


Tuberculosis? - Amy C.

Sin.


AIDS? - George T.

Sin.


Emphysema? - Paul K.

Sin.


Poison Ivy? - Arnold S.

Arnold,

Poison Ivy (and other similar types of contact dermatitis such as poison sumac) is caused from contact with the sap emitted from the poison ivy plant in an exposure level of more than the one nanogram (billionth of a gram) needed to cause the rash. And sin.


Private response to "Alex R.": It's tough, I know. But you are backed against the wall, and your family depends on you getting that degree. So do it, but always be sure to stretch out and emphasize the second word, "Theeeeeeoooooorrrryyyyy." The Lord knows what's in your brain.

Mr. Science


(Transcribed by Davejames)






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