August 24, 2005
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Today's News
John Paul II's Estate Files Copyright Suit Against New "Pope"
ROME (DPI) - The estate of the late Pope John Paul II filed suit to prevent Benedict XVI from touring under the name "Pope." The complaint argues that John Paul II popularized the papal tour, and his estate retains all rights to tour under the name "Pope" and earn the proceeds of all papal tour merchandise. Benedict XVI has retitled his tour "21st-Century Pope," but litigation continues, and he may have to revert to his original name, Joseph Ratzinger Mellencamp. Another group of John Paul II's former associates are currently touring under the name "The Roman Catholic All-Stars."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Bush Praises Allah for Islamic Constitution in Iraq
PROVO, Utah (DPI) - Speaking at the Convention of American Madrasas, President Bush praised Allah for the new Iraqi constitution creating an Islamic cleric-run state. "On September 11, we learned the lesson of our infidel ways," said Bush. "Now we fight for Islamic fundamentalism abroad so we don't have fight the infidels at home. Allah u- Akbar!" Bush attacked his critics for opposing the spread of Islamic fundamentalism. "We must never retreat from our holy jihad to spread Quranic law to all corners of the earth," he said. "Praised be Allah, and praised be America, his prophet."
(Reported by David Kass)
Fashion Beat: Gasoline All the Gas
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In another sign that gas prices are out of control, trendsetters in the hip-hop community are wearing small bejeweled gas cans around their necks. Called "liquid bling," the wearable gasoline not only signifies status but has an unfortunate side effect. "In the rougher clubs with gun play, we are seeing a number of (gang members) exploding," said LAPD Officer Hector Garcia. Fashion expert Carlisle Kitten predicted the trend would pass quickly. "You can't really see it," said Kitten. "It's hard to show it is actually expensive gas in those cans, and not, say, turpentine. Hip-hop fashion is about showing off, or 'flinging the bling.' Even the most reckless realize what happens when you start literally throwing gasoline around."
(Reported by Davejames)
Headlines
U.S. Public: Venezuela Has Oil? Oh, Shit -- Here We Go Again!
GOP Moms Protest Cindy Sheehan's Stand Against Beauty Products
Iraqi Constitution Grants Women Special Right to Remain Silent
Poll: 27% Feel "Clogged"
Pat Robertson Goes Out On Limb; Coulter Scootches Over
Daily Probe Special
Today: Car Repair
Dear NASA,
I own a 1994 Toyota Camry. When I step on the brakes, there is a definite crunching sound. What could be making these noises? Should I take it in?
Jane F.
Ms. Jane F.,
Brakes are not stand-alone components, but performance-critical de-accelerators interconnected with other systems in your car. The best we can explain to a layman like you is they are complicated things. Inscrutable things. Things with other things stuck in them. Some of those things stuck into other things have multi-colored wires. And some of those wires are red. In the remote possibility that explanation was not opaque enough, we feel compelled to apply these words randomly and out of context: vector, thermography, isolator, actuator, pounds per inch, tomography and positrons.
Accordingly, there is no way for anyone with even the most advanced engineering degree, such as ones we hold, to suss out how brakes could malfunction on their own. We suggest that you follow our model and disassemble your car completely and rebuild it examining each part carefully, making sure to shake each one strenuously, as we find this generally helps most problems. If the problem persists, we do not recommend taking it into a shop and further interrupting such mission-critical operations as grocery retrieval or reclamation of children from your daily care provider. We suggest you carry on with your tasks. The good news is you don't actually need your brakes in the acceleration phase of any car movement, so setting your car into motion is perfectly fine and safe. However, you will need to have repairs done on the fly while driving prior to any braking attempt. We suggest using a tree-climbing harness to lower a mechanic under your car while it is in motion.
(Transcribed by Davejames)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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The Daily Probe Poll This week's Poll examines President Bush's decreasing standing with the public. How much do you trust President Bush? As far as I could throw a rat - 11% As far as I could throw a dog - 15% As far as I could throw a small elephant - 35% As far as I could throw my son's unarmored troop carrier - 28% How much do you approve of President Bush's policies? As much as I approve of putting ketchup on eggs - 21% As much as I approve of Bravo's Battle of the Reality Show Stars - 17% As much as I approve of herpes - 31% As much as I approve of my sister taking up with that Italian fella - 13% Complete this sentence, "I would be okay with President Bush ..." Babysitting my children - 43% Coaching my children's T-ball team - 32% Sending my children to Iraq - 16% Talking about my children with Karl Rove - 7% (Reported by Slick Sharkey) |
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