August 26, 2005
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Today's News
US Airways to Ban Pets as Cargo
PITTSBURGH (DPI) — Citing security concerns, USAirways has joined a list of airlines that are prohibiting the transportation of pets in airplane cargo holds. Airline officials have decided that the increase in safety is worth any inconvenience to passengers. "Few people realize the dangers that are incurred when pets are put in cargo holds, due to their tendency to explode or burst into flames," said Elizabeth Wilson, public affairs chief for the airline. "When a Schnauzer explodes at 40,000 feet, it can impair the pilot's control of the aircraft. We once lost a Seattle flight after a kitten burst into flames." The Transportation Security Administration has applauded the policy change, noting that it will also curb possible avenues of terrorism. TSA spokesman Stephen Anderson said, "Many people have forgotten that a single Holstein cow was all that was necessary to blow up the U.S. Embassy in Nairobi in 1998. The potential damage from detonating even a fox terrier or lop-eared rabbit is truly astounding."
(Reported by Ron Bottomly)
Hipster Scene Rocked as Man Exposed as Faker of Band Names
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (DPI) — Ray Jenison is in danger of losing his cutting-edge guy status after being accused of inventing band names on Thursday. Jenison, who was long acknowledged as the person who first heard about bands that no one else was aware of, was exposed when his methodology of randomly naming opposites became apparent. "It worked for the first couple of years," said longtime Jenison devotee Art Rodriguez. "But then there were too many bands turning up with names like The Door-Windows, The Head-Toes and the Soft-Hards." Jenison denies deception, although the bands he mentions always seeme to be too small and independent to tour or release CDs. "I heard their music in underground guerrilla films hardly anyone goes to, like 'Tough-Weak,' 'Bent-Straight' or 'Deep-Not Deep.'" If found to be a deceiver, Jenison will be asked to shave his soul patch and move outside Hollywood.
(Reported by Davejames)
70% of Domestic Violence Goes Unreported
ATLANTA (DPI) — A new ad campaign sponsored by the National Organization for Women warns that 70 percent of domestic violence in the United States goes unreported. Officials point to cutting-edge research done by the Center for Incalculable Statistics. "Our research goes beyond crimes that have actually been reported," said statistician Robert Schumaker. "Anyone can offer trends based on crime statistics. We examine patterns from numbers that don’t actually exist." Schumaker explained that the origin of his statistics includes drawing numbers from a hat or simply picking a number at random.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Headlines
FBI Warns Terrorists Could Pose as Televangelists
Saddam Claims Himself a Martyr, Great Golfer, Original Beatle
Dasani Branded Air to Hit Shelves at $2.75/Bottle
New Google Tool Scans Apartment for Roommate's Weed Cache
Jennifer Aniston Puts Vagina Up for Sale as Divorce Is Finalized
In-Depth
A Look at the Iraqi Constitution
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) — Although the Shiite Muslim majority and its Kurdish allies have already submitted a proposed constitution to the Iraqi Parliament, the document is widely deemed in need of further drafting, as sticking points remain. Daily Probe Middle East and constitutional expert and UCLA professor Jovan Krick examines some of those sticking points.
Religious Rights: Any religion is allowed, as long as it is Shiite Islam. This may be modified to include Sunni Islam if enough Sunnis blow themselves up near Shiite mosques in the next few days.
International Relations: Money will be welcomed from any country, but actual visitors must register with a hostage-taking agency 10 days prior to arrival. The main disagreement at the moment concerns whether America will be referred to in the future as "Horde of Demons" or "Satan the Killer."
The Role of Women: The debate rages. The role of women is "to be seen but not heard." Arguing that this takes the women's voice out of the process, a likely compromise will be that women can "be heard, but not seen."
Right to Weapons: This clause specifically limits weapons use to celebrations, overtaking foreign embassies, shooting at foreigners, shooting at people who subscribe to another religion, shooting in the general direction of the Illegally Occupied Land That Some Call Israel, shooting at anyone improving the infrastructure, shooting at anything if the general chaos can be blamed on a foreign military presence, and shooting a woman for being bad. However, there is little chance there will be agreement over what will be honored and worshiped as the National Weapon: the AK-47 or the Roadside Bomb.
Freedom of Speech: It is unanimous among all that speech, including that which criticizes the government and/or Islam, is protected. There is much debate over the wording to codify "Freedom From Hearing," which protects Iraqis from being exposed to speech in any form which criticizes the government and/or Islam.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt and Davejames)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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