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August 24, 2004

Daily Probe reporters McQuigly and Moss are reporting daily on their
blog from the Republican National Convention in New York City.

Huge Dick, Tits Dash Gymnastic Hopes

SAN RAFAEL, Calif. (DPI) - Despite years of training and complete mastery of world-class Olympic moves, gymnast Jason Skillings saw his hopes for a gold medal dashed when, at age 13, he developed a huge cock. "I'm hung like freaking Secratariat," a distraught Skillings reported, "Nobody even noticed my routines, all they could say is 'Is that real? It can't be!' I got more attention in the shower than on the parallel bars." Sadly, his isn't the only career ruined by puberty and genetics. Brianna Chenowith is another blossoming star who seemed destined for glory until she developed an eye-popping rack. "There aren't enough ace bandages in the world to hide these ta-tas," she confessed. "And I got tired of having judges excuse themselves mid-routine or forgetting to even score me."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Suitcase Full of Beatles Memorabilia Declared Fake

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

"Senators for Truth" Attack Kerry's Claim to Be Senator

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A group of prominent senators has spoken out, disputing John Kerry's claim of being a US Senator for nearly the last twenty years. The group, spearheaded by Alabama Republican Richard Shelby, released a statement Thursday: "Sure, John Kerry has been present at the Capitol for the last twenty years, but his claim that he is a full-fledged senator is a lie. His office, his staff, and his lengthy voting record are all products of a nefarious Democratic Party hell-bent on perpetuating a lie and filling the White House with traitors." When questioned further about his claims, Shelby became defensive, sucker punching a 67-year-old female tour guide and locking himself in the Senate washroom.

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Olympic Networks Surprised by "Totally Unexpected" Spike in Teen Male Viewing of Women's Beach Volleyball

I, Robot Viewer Mislead

GREENFIELD, NY (DPI) - Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fan Eric Gaeda was left disappointed after a viewing of Will Smith's latest movie, I, Robot, sources report. Gaeda, a self-described "old-school" fan of the rapper-actor, had attended the screening expecting a return to Smith's breakdancing roots. "I knew Will Smith was the star, and it was called 'I Robot,' so I figured he would. And I was hoping he'd do the worm, and the wave, and a few backspins, too. But there actually wasn't any dancing at all. Guess I should have looked at a poster or review or something." To alleviate his condition, Gaeda plans on watching taped reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire for most of Sunday afternoon.

(Reported by RM Weiner)

Rebel Iraqi Cleric Demands Release of Mary-Kate Olsen

Woodstock Veterans for Truth Foggy on Details, Man

U.S. Men Take Conjoined-Diving Medals

Bush Denies TP'ing Kerry's House, Sending Pizza Deliveries

Girl Doesn't Think Paris Hilton Is Pretty

Bob Dole Still Prattling on About Something or Other

Airplane Oxygen Mask Put on Adopted Kid Last

"Holed Up in Najaf" a Euphemism Looking for a Definition

Yet Another Homicide at the Miss Shrill USA Pageant

IOC to Add Women's Snatch to Future Games; "Hell, Yeah!"

Mind If I Talk to You While You're Urinating?

Enough With the Fucking Scented Stuff Already!

I Do Not Want to Gay-Marry Legolas

God Arrested for Sport-Fixing

National Endowment for the Arts Awards Grant to Subway

I Am Tired of Hearing About David Lipton's Fantasy Football Team

MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - Good god, it's a fantasy football team. Sure, it might have turned out differently for you David, but get a fucking life already. Williams is a pothead, Boston is done, hell, you should have Quincy on your fucking team just to round it out. Meanwhile, my fantasy baseball team is in first place by 12 points but you don't fucking hear me going on and on about it every time I imbibe more than two ounces of beer. Just get over it, goddamnit. Fuck, I drafted Joey Galloway the other year he went down and I still came in second. Just shut the fuck up David or I'll punch you in the nuts when you're not looking.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Dogs Playing Poker Painting Stolen in Brazen Daylight Pool-Hall Robbery

(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)

Iraqi Cleric Puts One Foot Out, in Holy Shrine

NAJAF, Iraq (DPI) - After long negotiations, rebel Iraqi cleric, Muqtada al-Sadr, put one foot out of the Imam Ali Shrine yesterday. Not long after, however, al-Sadr put one foot in the shrine. Still later, al-Sadr put one foot back out, and shook it all about. Unconfirmed reports then indicated that the cleric did the Hokey Pokey and he turned himself around. Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld told reporters, "That's what Iraqi sovereignty is all about."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Victim of Identity Theft Too Stupid to Live

PARK CITY, Ut. (DPI) - Jesse Simmons of Park City has declared himself a total moron who doesn't deserve to live. "It never occurred to me that Visa.com wouldn't contact me directly because my card is actually issued by a bank. And I never wondered how they would have gotten my e-mail address, which I hadn't given them. And the typos seemed like something that could happen to anybody, even a bank employee. Next time I'm going to actually maybe call the bank instead of clicking the link and filling in my SSN and mother's maiden name." Simmons refused further comments, citing an online meeting with Nigerian businessmen.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)



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