Huge Dick, Tits Dash Gymnastic Hopes
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. (DPI) - Despite years of training and complete mastery of
world-class Olympic moves, gymnast Jason Skillings saw his hopes for a
gold medal dashed when, at age 13, he developed a huge cock. "I'm hung
like freaking Secratariat," a distraught Skillings reported, "Nobody
even noticed my routines, all they could say is 'Is that real? It can't
be!' I got more attention in the shower than on the parallel bars."
Sadly, his isn't the only career ruined by puberty and genetics. Brianna
Chenowith is another blossoming star who seemed destined for glory until
she developed an eye-popping rack. "There aren't enough ace bandages in
the world to hide these ta-tas," she confessed. "And I got tired of
having judges excuse themselves mid-routine or forgetting to even score me."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Suitcase Full of Beatles Memorabilia Declared Fake
(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
"Senators for Truth" Attack Kerry's Claim to Be Senator
WASHINGTON (DPI) - A group of prominent senators has spoken out, disputing
John Kerry's claim of being a US Senator for nearly the last twenty years.
The group, spearheaded by Alabama Republican Richard Shelby, released a
statement Thursday: "Sure, John Kerry has been present at the Capitol for
the last twenty years, but his claim that he is a full-fledged senator is
a lie. His office, his staff, and his lengthy voting record are all
products of a nefarious Democratic Party hell-bent on perpetuating a
lie and filling the White House with traitors." When questioned further
about his claims, Shelby became defensive, sucker punching a 67-year-old
female tour guide and locking himself in the Senate washroom.
(Reported by Ken Martin)
Olympic Networks Surprised by "Totally Unexpected" Spike in Teen Male Viewing of Women's Beach Volleyball
I, Robot Viewer Mislead
GREENFIELD, NY (DPI) - Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fan Eric Gaeda was left disappointed
after a viewing of Will Smith's latest movie, I, Robot, sources
report. Gaeda, a self-described "old-school" fan of the rapper-actor,
had attended the screening expecting a return to Smith's breakdancing
roots. "I knew Will Smith was the star, and it was called 'I Robot,'
so I figured he would. And I was hoping he'd do the worm, and the
wave, and a few backspins, too. But there actually wasn't any dancing
at all. Guess I should have looked at a poster or review or
something." To alleviate his condition, Gaeda plans on watching taped
reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire for most of Sunday
(Reported by RM Weiner)
Rebel Iraqi Cleric Demands Release of Mary-Kate Olsen
Woodstock Veterans for Truth Foggy on Details, Man
U.S. Men Take Conjoined-Diving Medals
Bush Denies TP'ing Kerry's House, Sending Pizza Deliveries
Girl Doesn't Think Paris Hilton Is Pretty
Bob Dole Still Prattling on About Something or Other
Airplane Oxygen Mask Put on Adopted Kid Last
"Holed Up in Najaf" a Euphemism Looking for a Definition
Yet Another Homicide at the Miss Shrill USA Pageant
IOC to Add Women's Snatch to Future Games; "Hell, Yeah!"
Mind If I Talk to You While You're Urinating?
Enough With the Fucking Scented Stuff Already!
I Do Not Want to Gay-Marry Legolas
God Arrested for Sport-Fixing
National Endowment for the Arts Awards Grant to Subway
I Am Tired of Hearing About David Lipton's Fantasy Football Team
MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - Good god, it's a fantasy football team. Sure, it might have
turned out differently for you David, but get a fucking life already.
Williams is a pothead, Boston is done, hell, you should have Quincy
on your fucking team just to round it out. Meanwhile, my fantasy
baseball team is in first place by 12 points but you don't fucking
hear me going on and on about it every time I imbibe more than two
ounces of beer. Just get over it, goddamnit. Fuck, I drafted Joey
Galloway the other year he went down and I still came in second.
Just shut the fuck up David or I'll punch you in the nuts when you're not looking.
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
Dogs Playing Poker Painting Stolen in Brazen Daylight Pool-Hall Robbery
(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)
Iraqi Cleric Puts One Foot Out, in Holy Shrine
NAJAF, Iraq (DPI) - After long negotiations, rebel Iraqi
cleric, Muqtada al-Sadr, put one foot out of the Imam
Ali Shrine yesterday. Not long after, however,
al-Sadr put one foot in the shrine. Still later,
al-Sadr put one foot back out, and shook it all about.
Unconfirmed reports then indicated that the cleric
did the Hokey Pokey and he turned himself around.
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld told reporters,
"That's what Iraqi sovereignty is all about."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Victim of Identity Theft Too Stupid to Live
PARK CITY, Ut. (DPI) - Jesse Simmons of Park City has declared himself a
total moron who doesn't deserve to live. "It never occurred to me that
Visa.com wouldn't contact me directly because my card is actually issued
by a bank. And I never wondered how
they would have gotten my e-mail address, which I hadn't given them.
And the typos seemed like something that could happen to anybody, even a
bank employee. Next time I'm going to actually maybe call the bank
instead of clicking the link and filling in my SSN and mother's maiden
name." Simmons refused further comments, citing an online meeting with
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)