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Alaric the Visigoth  

Alaric to Davis Campaign: "Go for the Knees"

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (DPI) - Recently arrived CNN celebrity and political analyst Alaric the Visigoth met with embattled Gov. Gray Davis today to offer support and advice as Davis attempts to weather the upcoming recall election -- particularly the challenge presented by Austrian body-builder and Planet Hollywood cofounder Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Davis the Slippery is well-feared for his cunning in close combat, while this lumbering Republican Hun is feared only by the ignorant," said Alaric. "Davis will easily slay him if he goes for the knees."

The barbarian warlord advised Davis to use his advantage as an experienced political insider to strike at Schwarzenegger. "Davis the Cunning should fight Arnold the Pretty in close," Alaric said. He noted Davis' track record in dirty campaigns. "Where a lesser man might quail, Davis is unafraid to do battle eye to eye. A tall warrior must be deadly with the long sword to keep his enemy at bay, or a warlord as fell and seasoned as Davis will bring him quickly to the ground. This Hun is doomed."

Alaric also denounced Peter Ueberroth's calls for a clean and civil campaign. "Those too weak to slaughter their enemies in open combat are quick to denounce the battle," he said. "Ueberroth the Womanly should fall on his sword now, before some more worthy barbarian sets his head on a pike as a trophy beside his tent."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

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