CURRENT ISSUE 08/26/03 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List Alaric Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	The Daily Probe's Blackout Preparedness Tips (as learned from New Yorkers) Always keep in mind that God can't see what you're doing in the dark. In a pinch, clothing can be fashioned from animal skins using only simple stone tools. The sun provides a cheap source of alternative lighting, but only during the day. Try to get needed work done then. We don't recommend this unless absolutely necessary, but keep in mind that the homeless are edible. Always keep a harpoon handy -- whale oil is great for lighting! Use taxis. They don't need to be plugged in, and their drivers don't need to see where they are going. Try to stay close to the preternatural glow surrounding Rudy Giuliani. If you accidentally fall into the river in the dark, Al Roker can still be used as a flotation device. Keep an eye out for really smart people... when that light bulb goes off over their head, you've got reading light! Remember, no woman is too young or too old for a "Hey, it's the end of the world -- one last quick one?" propositioning. Ignore that malarkey about not using candles. If your house burns down, that just means a quick and reliable source of heat to boil your water! With no computers, VCRs or DVD players, now is the perfect time to resort to good old-fashioned stroke magazines for your pornography needs. Remember, it's not the end of the world. Unless, of course, you see four horsemen galloping towards you, in which case you're pretty much fucked. Take a page from Mayor Bloomberg's book... if you don't know the answer, just blame Canada. Out of flares? For visibility, light your flatus -- it's nature's gas! Be sure to move any dismembered body parts into a cooler, as they spoil quickly. Keep a can of gas and several eastern religious zealots in your car. They provide wonderful long-lasting heat and light when coaxed to set themselves on fire. The elderly often need assistance. Offering to smash the store front window and carry goods for them is a nice show of goodwill. Getting shitfaced won't get the power back on any faster, but what the hell else are you gonna do?
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