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08/26/03

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The Daily Probe's Blackout Preparedness Tips
(as learned from New Yorkers)



  • Always keep in mind that God can't see what you're doing in the dark.

  • In a pinch, clothing can be fashioned from animal skins using only simple stone tools.

  • The sun provides a cheap source of alternative lighting, but only during the day. Try to get needed work done then.

  • We don't recommend this unless absolutely necessary, but keep in mind that the homeless are edible.

  • Always keep a harpoon handy -- whale oil is great for lighting!

  • Use taxis. They don't need to be plugged in, and their drivers don't need to see where they are going.

  • Try to stay close to the preternatural glow surrounding Rudy Giuliani.

  • If you accidentally fall into the river in the dark, Al Roker can still be used as a flotation device.

  • Keep an eye out for really smart people... when that light bulb goes off over their head, you've got reading light!

  • Remember, no woman is too young or too old for a "Hey, it's the end of the world -- one last quick one?" propositioning.

  • Ignore that malarkey about not using candles. If your house burns down, that just means a quick and reliable source of heat to boil your water!

  • With no computers, VCRs or DVD players, now is the perfect time to resort to good old-fashioned stroke magazines for your pornography needs.

  • Remember, it's not the end of the world. Unless, of course, you see four horsemen galloping towards you, in which case you're pretty much fucked.

  • Take a page from Mayor Bloomberg's book... if you don't know the answer, just blame Canada.

  • Out of flares? For visibility, light your flatus -- it's nature's gas!

  • Be sure to move any dismembered body parts into a cooler, as they spoil quickly.

  • Keep a can of gas and several eastern religious zealots in your car. They provide wonderful long-lasting heat and light when coaxed to set themselves on fire.

  • The elderly often need assistance. Offering to smash the store front window and carry goods for them is a nice show of goodwill.

  • Getting shitfaced won't get the power back on any faster, but what the hell else are you gonna do?



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