Kobe Out, LeBron In as Sprite Seeks "Less Rapey" Image
ATLANTA (DPI) - The Coca-Cola Co. has replaced Sprite
Kobe Bryant with newcomer LeBron James in an effort to make the
drink's image a "little less rapey," according to Coca-Cola spokesman Avner Catrell. "Extensive testing in the market
place shows consumers want a soft drink to be low on sexual assaultiness and high on
flavor," said Catrell. Coca-Cola acted fast to pull the
Bryant ads, still smarting from the massive sales drop of the highly wife-beaty Mr. Pibb.
Adding further insurance, Sprite put a strict "no rape" clause to last
the duration of James' contract. "[James] has assured us
he knows the damage a rapey way of life can cause to a product, the
company's board, and his endorsement
future overall," said Catrell.
(Reported by Davejames)
Alabama Judge Erects Statue of Jesus Mooning Supreme Court
MONTGOMERY, Ala. (DPI) - Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore erected a
statue of Jesus showing his naked rear end to a replica of the U.S.
Supreme Court building after a federal court ordered him to remove
a monument depicting the Ten Commandments from the courthouse. "I
may not be able to declare Alabama's allegiance to God's law, but I can
sure declare Jesus' rectal opinion of federal law," said Moore. His critics
argue that displaying only Jesus' naked buttocks unconstitutionally
promotes Christian mooning and suggest that Moore either remove the
statue or add statues of other pantsless historical figures.
(Reported by Simon Paul)
"Chemical Ali" Still Alive, Eating Brains
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In a great shock to the coalition forces -- and to local
Iraqis -- Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali" Hassan al-Majid was captured alive last week, months after he was widely believed killed in an April airstrike. "He was just wondering the streets
mumbling the word 'brains' over and over again," said U.S. Army Captain
Leo Knowles. "Plus he was buying brains from any street vendor that had
brains to sell." The Pentagon has announced that it will now verify the
living state of other people they believe to be dead, including Uday and
Qusay Hussein, Carroll O'Connor, and the entire cast of Poltergeist.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Israel to Try Making Peace With Peorians
PEORIA, Ill. (DPI) - Giving up on efforts to make peace with the
Palestinians, Israel has announced its intention to come to a peace
agreement with the people of Peoria, Ill. "I have heard many good things about the Peorian people and am confident that they will embrace a comprehensive agreement in
which they will forswear any hostile acts against the state of Israel," said Prime Minister
"I understand that the Peorians currently live in peace with the people
of Chicago and Springfield. This is a hopeful sign." Peoria Mayor
Charles Dobbelaire disclaimed any responsibility for recent attacks against
Israel and promised Sharon good seats for Sunday's Corn Festival.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Attention-Starved Sweden Celebrates Nazis
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (DPI) - Sweden's monarchy has officially endorsed the Aryan
Tjoords, a little-known, indigenous neo-Nazi skinhead organization.
"Hey, look at us, world!" said Per Johanessan, palace spokesman for King
Gustaf. "Sweden isn't just about stylish, affordable home furnishings and
exceedingly safe automobiles. Sweden is also about breaking stuff, getting
tattoos and whatever else it is that neo-Nazis do!"
European sociopolitical pundits summarily dismissed the move as a pathetic
attempt by the ultra-bland country to get a little attention on the increasingly violent and ribald world stage. "What? No!" countered
Johanessan. "We Swedes love our neo-Nazis! Really! Can't get enough of them.
You can quote me on that. Why aren't you writing any of this down???"
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Hamas Requests Next "Roadmap to Peace" Be Softer, 2-Ply
Blackout Has Kansas Rethinking This Whole Electricity Thing
Bustamante to Face Freddy Vs. Jason Winner
Ozzy Forgets Words, Meds
Mars Specialist Closer to Getting Date Than at Any Time in Last 60,000 Years
Heroic Toledo Residents Resume Heroically Living in Toledo
Malaysian Economy Sagging Under Weight of Illegal, Unwanted Hulk DVDs
Idi Amin Pall Bearers Tortured
Wait, I'll Get You a Laptop and a Projector
The Daily Probe's Blackout Preparedness Tips
Spike TV to Air Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
Home Depot Convinces Another Complete Idiot He Can Do It
Jesus: I "Sure as Hell Wouldn't" Drive SUV
DETROIT (DPI) - In a surprise statement, Jesus, Son of God and Savior of the
World, this week ended the speculation of millions of faithful and announced what he would drive. "Well,
for one thing, I sure as hell wouldn't be driving that fat-ass SUV," he
said. "Slapping a Jesus fish on the eye-level bumper of a three-ton earth-raping
rolling death threat doesn't make it Christian. And don't give me that
'safer' crap. Safer for whom? Certainly not your less-pretentious neighbors
who drive small, practical cars like I would have." Jesus also said to "put
the cell phone away when you drive -- I'm not kidding. We've been batting
around that whole 'plague of boils' concept. Don't tempt us."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Human Rights Watch Targets China's "Reality Torture TV"
NEW YORK (DPI) - Human Rights Watch announced today it was targeting the
"unconscionable actions" of China's state-run television station in airing
the reality program The Falun Gong Show, in which government officials
ask suspected subversives, "Are you a member of the Falun Gong?" Contestants who answer "yes" are tortured and executed. Those who answer "no" are tortured and given a complimentary book of Chairman
(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)
New Yorker Still Walking Home After Blackout
NEW YORK (DPI) - Out-of-touch New Yorker James Weller is still walking
home to Great Neck, Long Island. When the blackout hit two weeks ago
and Weller realized his cell phone couldn't call home, Weller turned it off and began the 20-mile walk home. Unaware that the
blackout has long since ended, Weller currently is five miles from
home, having slowed his pace considerably without a steady supply of
food or water, not knowing he can now use his credit card. "It's like those Japanese soldiers who didn't know the war
was over," said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "For several years, we'll see guys trickling home to the Hamptons."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)