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August 27, 2002



Gaddafi Draws Raves in Tripoli Production of The Birdcage



Compilation Album Getting Progressively Worse

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A compilation compact disc purchased yesterday from a used CD shop has begun a tragic downward spiral, sources report. The first few songs by REM and U2 gave hope that some quality could continue throughout the album, but unfortunately Midnight Oil and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy soon followed. While just the names of artists such as The Jesus and Mary Chain gave hope for some recovery, poor recordings of obscure studio throw-outs insured there would be no turn for the better. Although the CD is not yet done playing, remaining bands such as EMF and Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. will certainly only lengthen and intensify this album's painful demise.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Bush to Ease Water-Wasting Laws to Prevent Flooding

WASHINGTON (DPI) -- Soon after changing laws to allow more logging, which is expected to reduce forest fires, President George W. Bush blamed the increase in global flooding on an abundance of water: "We have too many rules preventing people from using water, and too much water conservation has led to this great amount of water in other parts of the world, and that means flooding," he said. Among the proposals to increase water consumption are laws requiring car-washing once a day and penalties for dry lawns. Bush concluded, "Every low-flow toilet here means another flood in China."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Online Service Staff Uninterested in Love

LEOMINSTER, Mass. (DPI) - Computer geek Jody LaFerriere today confirmed that starting a sexy conversation with the staff of the HP chat-based tech support website is not as easy as one would suspect. "I asked the guy what he was wearing, and he asked me if my connection to my DSL modem was going through a router," said LaFerriere. Later "Dean" the HP staffer told LaFerriere he was leaving for lunch and that she'd have a different support Analyst take over. "I thought Dean and I had something special, and now I've got Rodney," said LaFerriere. The HP staff did help LaFerriere update her BIOS, even if she didn't make a "love match."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)


Authorities Powerless to Save Child from Jacko's Grasp

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Observers were stunned when Michael Jackson appeared with a new baby boy in tow this week. The identity of the child's mother is a mystery and Jackson has announced that his name will be Prince Michael III. Quick-thinking authorities detained Michael with promises of a "funny monkey in glitter pants" while they checked the website of the National Center For Missing and Exploited Children. However, failing to find an abducted child whose description matched the one in Jackson's care, they were forced to let him go.

(Reported by Brian Jones)


Dagnab Coots Stuck on Daggum Issue

MEMPHIS (DPI) - The United Conference of Old Coots recessed today without resolving the divisive issue of whether to use "Dagummit" or "Dagnabbit" as the official exclamation of its members. Continuation of the more traditional "Dagummit" is favored by the powerful Western faction, but thought to be too old fashioned by many in attendance. "It's about roots," said one unnamed Western coot. "Half of us are sober most of the time, don't shoot guns in the air anymore, and wear shoes like a farmer." Despite this major sticking point, the conference did make progress, voting to let women join depending on their ability in "rifle shootin'," "pipe smokin'" and use of a frying pan as a personal weapon.

(Reported by Davejames)




Breaking News: CNN Still Has Those al Qaeda Tapes

Hip Event Planners to Meet at Paloozapalooza '02

Three Scrumptious Hots and A Luxurious Cot Featured In Martha Stewart Living

Blue Crush Awash in a Wave of B-cups

God Pissed at Viewers for Worshipping American Idol

Loners Pledge to Try Not to Massacre Any Popular Students This Year

Vending Machine Eats Quarter, Absorbs Beating

Toledo Couple Enters Fifth Hour of Menu Deliberations

Floods Provide First Baths for Many Germans All Year

Hurricane Andrew Back in Florida for 10th Anniversary

More headlines




Little League Players' Union Threatens Strike

XXX Tops Teen Critics' Greatest Movies List




Tourist: Niagara Falls "Too Touristy"

NIAGARA FALLS, Ontario (DPI) - Bob Donaldson, a machinist from Syracuse, is feeling disillusioned by the "scourge of commerciality" that has infected Niagara Falls. "Planet Hollywood. The Hard Rock Cafe. What a bunch of crap. When I was a kid, they didn't have all of this. Now, the place is a total sell-out." Donaldson continued, "The only things that were here back then were the Guinness Book of World Records Museum, Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum, the Hollywood Wax Museum, the Frankenstein Haunted House, bus tours, boat tours, and dozens of overpriced restaurants and visitor centers that tried to sell you a tourism package. And the splendor of the falls."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


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Truancy Passed Off as Political Boycott

MARIANNA, Ark. (DPI) Students in Marianna were delighted to discover their absence from school was a politically motivated boycott. Said Marianna sophomore Clint Roarke, "I thought weed was the reason I didn't make it to class, but it turns out that my sleeping under a tree was a stance against cronyism in the school board election system." Other students were surprised to learn that gathering during school hours was actually a protest against potential redistricting. "I feel like I'm defending my civil rights while playing air hockey," said senior Mark Anton. "Now that we know we're all political and stuff," said Anton, "we're not going back until the Chinese ease up on those guys in that one place."

(Reported by Davejames)


Bush's Iraq War Plans Fail to Persuade Joan Rivers

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a Wall Street Journal editorial yesterday, Joan Rivers warned, "An attack on Iraq at this time would seriously jeopardize the global counter-terrorist campaign we have undertaken." Rivers added, "And George, please! Those denim shirts! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be pretend cowboy Presidents!" Rivers' criticism has particular meaning for Bush because Rivers was virtually a member of the family during his father's term and has continued to advise the elder Bush on matters of fashion and home shopping. Said Rivers, "Iraq is no pushover, not like my friend Heidi Abromowitz. Oh, grow up!"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Schoolkids Gear Up for Thousands of Hours of Soul-Killing Tedium
Court Forces WNBA To Use Quotations Around Word "Highlights"
Study: X-Ray Specs Don't Work For Shit, Dude
American, Iraqi Kids Prepare for Possible Thumb War
Daily E-mail Messages Remind Entire Discussion List That Mark Levine is Out of the Office Starting 08/24/2002 and Will Not Return Until 09/09/2002
Palestinian Bumper Sticker Proclaims: "My Son Blew Up Your Honor Student"
Nostalgia Grips Elderly: "I Miss My Pants"
Argentina To Sell Itself on E-Bay
LAPD Celebrates Beating-Free Month
Church Angered Over Non-Priest Sex Act in NYC
Tiger Woods Loses, Probably All Washed Up




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