August 29, 2005
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
France Opens Museum of Lance Armstrong Fluid Samples
PARIS (DPI) — A newly opened museum allows visitors to see the thousands of liters of bodily fluids extracted from Lance Armstrong for drug testing during his seven years as Tour de France champion. "The Blood Wing is beautiful, but the Hall of Urine offers the most entertainment, for he was tested so often we had plenty to construct a waterfall," said museum curator Marcel Thierry. The museum is free, unless you do not read French, in which case the posted price in English is 10 euros.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Simmons Caught Using Jazzercise-Enhancing Substances
MONTREAL (DPI) The World Anti-Doping Agency announced today that fitness guru Richard Simmons has tested positive for substances banned by the U.S. Aerobics Federation. WADA has not released specifics, but insiders report that Simmons was drenched in outlawed fragrances, most notably Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. Today's revelation was welcomed by critics who have long questioned how Simmons, a marginally flabby man in his late 50s, has maintained his status as an exercise guru. "He hasn't done a respectable diagonal toe touch in a decade," said Tammi Swilley, a certified aerobic instructor. "Now we know it's the 'juice' — the stench of sweat commingled with Nair, tanning lotion and Alberto VO5 — that his kept his rivals at bay."
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Alternative Country Music Lets Rednecks Keep It Real
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (DPI) You won't hear bands like The Blue Blazer Boys on Hot Country FM, and that's just the way they like it. Bands like these are part of the alternative country music scene, where disaffected rural youths turn to hear a voice that truly understands them while they hick out the jams. "We're here for real country music fans," said front man Kevin Holden. With songs like "Helpin' Her Over the Fence" and "Wal-Martyr," the Blue Blazer Boys have touched the hearts of their fans as well as a nerve with major-label record companies.
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Headlines
Base Commission Closes Baghdad
Diddy Ditches "P" to Stay One Alias Ahead of Paternity Lawyers
Poll on Sex and Politics Shows Most Still Taking It Up the Ass, Though Moderates No Longer Swallowing
Gas Price Rises from "Arm, Leg, First-Born Child" to "That New DVD Player That'll Look Real Nice in My Den"
Madonna's Injuries Cause Momentary Fake English Accent Lapse
Autopsy Reveals NFL Lineman's Artery Blocked by Waterboy
In-Depth
MILF Stocks Dwindle Due To Aggressive MILF Hunting
MIAMI — (DPI) A once-common sight — vast herds of 20- to 35-year-old nubile and sexually underserved mothers that roamed the streets of Miami, Los Angeles and San Diego — has become increasingly rare due to excessive MILF hunting. Once an activity practiced on a small scale by dedicated sportsmen has become a widespread commercial operation, threatening the supply of MILFs for future generations.
"Just like orange roughy and sea bass, the commercial hunters of MILF have moved from small-scale, sole-proprieter-run organizations to massive, large-scale harvesting," said Jason Kravis, noted authority on MILF hunting. "Formerly, MILF hunting was a weekend activity, usually a couple of buddies getting together and stalking their prey at bars, clubs and other social venues. The commercial MILF hunters run organized operations during the week, waiting outside supermarkets, day-care centers and other places where MILFs have historically been able to gather without fear of predation."
Commercial MILF hunter Scott Thomas, however, disagrees that the commercial version of the sport is leading to the dwindling supply. "I'm just a hick from Miami," said Thomas. "It's hard to believe I and my friends could even dent the MILF population. Even if we are harvesting more than our share, the stewardship of the MILF population is something we take very seriously. For every three MILFs we capture, two end up pregnant and single within 24 months and 50 percent of the offspring are female. Given the single-parenthood state of the MILF, statistically the offspring are likely to also develop into early mothers. Because we are sure to only select the most smokin' hot moms we can find, we breed through selection to ensure the future horde of MILFs will be plentiful, hot and with low enough self-esteem to agree to get into a van with a guy waving $200 and a camcorder."
(Reported by Tommy Aquinas)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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Musing With Mitch by Mitchell Kobriger |
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I haven't believed in Intelligent Design since Lee Iaccoca left the car business.
Remember: Horseradish = spicy! Horse apples = musky! Keep those straight, my friends, and your picnic spread might just have a chance.
Something about that Clay Aiken kid just screams "Live at the 2006 County Fair" to me.
Idea! If we rename Wyoming "Palestine" and invite those Gaza strippers to move in, we could put some darned good land to use AND end a centuries-long war. Yep, every once in a while ol' Mitch comes up with a gem!
You know how to get people to use pennies again? Make them worth a dollar.
Could someone please explain to me why there isn't a single barber pole in the Smithsonian.
If progress marched forward like it was supposed to, I would be wearing three-tone shoes, not sneakers.
Some of those "vegans" look like they're from another planet — and if you can pass on a thick juicy ribeye with Mitch's special barbecue sauce, you might as well be.
If they really want Iraq straightened out, they should send in Lee Majors.
When gas reaches $4 a gallon, sell.
If they replaced the alcohol in Listerine with scotch, I might consider using it. Listerine, that is. I already use plenty of scotch.
If cows only knew how good they taste, you can bet there'd be more bovine cannibalism in this world.
You know what's tasty? Mustard.
If that young jackass can't get the fish, cheese and sauce at least roughly centered on my Filet-O-Fish, somebody's going to hear about it.
Peter Jennings was Canadian? Man, have I got a whole bunch of working assumptions that need re-examination.
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