August 31, 2005
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CURRENT ISSUE Week of August 29- September 2, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Glamour Shots to "Sex Up" Minority Girls for Potential Disappearance
CHICAGO (DPI) — A recent media study has shown that attractive white females receive a highly disproportionate amount of press when they go missing. In response, Glamour Shots, a mall makeup and photography studio, is offering to beautify young minority females at a 40-percent discount. The company will pose potential runaways and abductees in cheerleading uniforms and touch up unflattering ethnic characteristics using Photoshop. "It is important that the media see that minority girls are young and pretty enough to merit a search," said Glamour Shot spokesman Sheila Carter. Following the announcement, clothier Teen Time expressed interest in partnering with Glamour Shots in the advancement of civil rights.
(Reported by Davejames)
Soldier Returns to Find Artisan Living in Old Barracks
ATLANTA (DPI) — Pfc. Earl West returned from combat duty in Iraq today to find that his bunk and footlocker had been leased to a local watercolorist. Having pined for his vintage centerfolds and GameBoy during his 18-month tour in Najaf, West was dismayed to learn that his belongings had been moved to a self-storage unit across town during his absence. "The queer sleeping in my bunk says the base is no longer a base but some kind of arts and crafts village," said West. Georgia's Fort McPherson was decommissioned by the Pentagon weeks ago and has since been recast as a community for struggling artisans. The base commander, Col. James Wynn, said the Army kept word of the change from the unit out of an abundance of sensitivity. "We just couldn't break the news to the boys overseas, so we sent them on some extra house-to-house searches and hoped that we wouldn't have to," he said.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Former Child Star Lands Gig as University Mascot
DURANT, Okla. (DPI) — The Southeastern Oklahoma State Savages have hired The Wonder Years actor Fred Savage following an NCAA ruling outlawing mascots deemed offensive to Native Americans. "Our school nickname has always been a tribute to the Savages of Hollywood, never a derogatory reference to any tribal group," said SOSU's President John Libby. Fred Savage's smiling visage has been added to the university's football helmets. However, the Lady Savages swim team has objected to the mascot's presence in the girl's locker room. In related news, the NCAA's own mascot, Overpaid White Male Bureaucrat, now has a sidekick: Politically Overcorrect Blowhard.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Headlines
Katrina and the Waves Reunion Rocks New Orleans Like a Hurricane
New Orleans Changes Name to "New Sodom" in Poorly Timed Marketing Campaign
Fantasy Footballer to Miss Entire Season With Carpal Tunnel
Slumping Ecstasy Dealers Welcome Start of 20th Burning Man Festival
Bush Lobbies for 7-Day Waiting Period for Morning-After Pill
Interview
Finding Life Difficult
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Jaffa Farr |
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Adnan Sofian |
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The first thing you notice about Jaffa Farr is that his Groucho Marx imitation is terrible. The second thing that grabs your attention is that, minus Groucho's cigar, he could be a ringer for captured dictator Saddam Hussein. In fact, up until Hussein's capture in 2003, that was Farr's job description. He and many other former Saddam look-alikes are finding life after the dictatorship difficult. We recently sat down with two of the doppelgangers.
Daily Probe: I notice both you and (Adnan Sofian, a Baghdad night club entertainer known as "Elvis SaddAaron Presley") remained in the impersonator game. Why?
Farr: While it may not have looked like it, Saddam imitation required a great deal of entertaining chops. Does anyone really believe it was Saddam who took the stage and led the chorus line kicks every Saddam Day?
Sofian: ... or would even deign to moonwalk? No, that was all us. We had to have the heart of an entertainer. And steel nerves. Keep in mind, hitting a wrong note while singing the "Praise Saddam," or doing anything for that matter which made him look flawed, meant not just mere unemployment. [He slides his finger across his neck]
DP: Although the two of you have eked out a meager living, its not been so good for the other look-alikes. The barber shop group "The All Saddams" failed miserably, and plans to launch a Iraqi sitcom Surrounded By Saddams were shelved when insurgents killed or destroyed the set, the production company, the head writer, the broadcast tower, the producer, the co-stars, the—
Sofian: Yes, yes, it's been hard. Most look-alikes find themselves in carnival-dunking or pie-throwing booths. And in today's Iraq you're as likely to get a live grenade slipped in your hand as a tip.
Farr: Even when we were in the lap of luxury it was difficult. One look-alike, Khali (Shi'loate), went quite mad from the pending assassination pressure. He took to running around half nude, hiding in holes so as not to get shot.
Sofian: [laughing] Oh yes, I had forgotten completely about him. We took to calling him "Spider-Hole Saddam." You could never tell what hole he would pop out of, dirty and bearded like some demented Saddam-in-the-Box.
DP: Wait, wait, wait. Spider-Hole Saddam? Dirty? Bearded? Are you raising the possibility that ... ?
Farr: Well, won't you look at the time!
Sofian: Yes! I, too, must go. It takes quite a lot of stretching to get my hips flexible enough for those Elvis swivels. Thanks for your time.
(Reported by Davejames)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
| Riding Shotgun With Adventure by Ron Langston |
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Chapter 72: The Source of Denial The first signal was a paisley towel left on a park bench. That told Steve that the next sign would come in his morning paper. Quickly turning to the personal ads in the Post, Steve found the hidden message: "SWF seeks 8-figure gentleman for intimate dates." Steve explained that "friendship" would have meant the source had an interesting sidebar story to leak, but "intimate dates" means a page-one scoop. Further, "8-figure" means we contact the source at 8 a.m. We had to be careful; this would be important information, and the public had a right to know. First we got on a northbound bus but jumped off at the first stop and doubled back southbound. We stayed on an extra stop, and then got into a cab, which we instructed to drive around "casually." We hopped out and walked a block west, skate- boarded down a staircase, and hop-scotched our way counter- clockwise around DuPont Circle. "My source insists we take these precautions in case we're being followed," Steve explained. Finally, collars turned up, sunglasses on, our hats pulled down low over our eyes, we belly-crawled our way into the already packed White House briefing room. Steve's unnamed source took the podium and addressed the assembled reporters. "I really shouldn't be telling you this," he said, looking around furtively, "but the president is a really swell guy. And you didn't hear it from me, but Democrats sleep with their mothers." Protect the source, get the story. It is the reporter's creed. Next — Chapter 73: Bald Ex-White House Reporter ISO Deeper Throat |
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