September 2, 2005
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CURRENT ISSUE Week of August 29- September 2, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Bush Pledges Financial Relief By Paying Back Bar Tab from '70s
WASHINGTON (DPI) — One day after Hurricane Katrina cut his vacation short, President Bush announced he would provide funding for the city of New Orleans by paying back the bar tab he ran up there during the 1970s. "The people of New Orleans are suffering," Bush said at a press conference Wednesday. "The only thing that can save them and their city is money, and I'm willing to help by paying back the debt I owe them." Bush said that during his late 20s, he would frequent the city's numerous bars, watering holes and strip joints, running up tabs at some of the Crescent City's most famous clubs. Press Secretary Scott McClellan could not say how large the President's bar tab is, but noted NASA is doing the math on the numerous recipients in shifts "24 hours a day, seven days a week."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Navy Deploying to New Orleans to Bomb Empty Buildings
NORFOLK, Va. (DPI) — The U.S. Navy has deployed five amphibious assault ships to the Gulf of Mexico to assist with relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. The ships' mission is to stop looting by independently targeting empty homes and businesses. "I don’t honestly know why people are acting surprised, said Capt. Andrew Hazy. "We’re the Navy, not the Coast Guard. They’ve got rescue helicopters and we’ve got cruise missiles. It's what we do." The aim of the mission is to leave the looters with nothing to do once the homes, electronics stores and grocery stores are destroyed. The Navy is also planning a massive airstrike against the Superdome after it has been evacuated as an efficiency measure to deal with the effort to clean the arena’s failed sanitary facilities.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Bush Vows to Fight Hurricanes in Iraq So We Don't Have to Here
WASHINGTON (DPI) — President Bush declared in a press conference yesterday that the United States must stay the course in Iraq to honor the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Bush told the nation, "We must fight the enemy hurricanes in Iraq so we don’t have to fight them here." Bush claimed that the low death count in South Florida from Hurricane Katrina indicated that his strategy in Iraq was working. "We must not retreat from our historic mission to fight the terrorist tropics." Critics charged that Iraq had no connection to the storm, but Bush dismissed "those who would surrender America to the evil ideology of hurricanes."
(Reported by David Kass)
Headlines
Katrina Aftermath: Syria Braces for Inevitable Retaliatory U.S. Invasion
Biloxi Changes Name to New Orleans in Attempt to Attract Rescuers
Southern Conservatives Unsure Who God Trying to Punish This Time
Aaron Neville Offers to Plug Broken Levee With Giant Forehead Mole
Dairy Processors Ravaged By Katrina; Bush Taps Strategic Cow Reserve
Probeatorial
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A guest Probeatorial by Tad Stevensen |
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If you're like me, images of the French Quarter flooded with something other than cheap liquor are troubling. Landing on my couch a bit early for last night's episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live, I caught the Nightline coverage of the hurricane- ravaged Gulf Coast.
Hundreds of people lost their lives and many of the hottest nightclubs will be shuttered for months. I'm urging everyone to do what they can to help mend the Big Easy's spirit and economy. I for one will be supporting the city by ordering the forthcoming DVD, Girls Gone Wild: Hurricane Hotties Wet T-Shirt Edition.
Yes, it will cost billions of dollars to rebuild the city. But let's look on the sunny side. We're inching closer to the ultimate goal: sumptuous suntans year-round! An extended bikini season! Scantily clad babes soaking themselves with garden hoses the world over!
Pasty dweebs from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration want us to believe that Hurricane Katrina is an indicator of global warming. Well, let's hope they're right! Isn't the occasional cataclysmic storm or torrential flood a small price to pay for the glorious sight of topless women parading down the sun-soaked streets of Milwaukee in January? I've been doing my part for years to accelerate climate change. When many swore off Styrofoam, I filled my Ford Excursion to the brim with petroleum-based cups from Wal-Mart. The 372 cans of Krylon I used to paint my house probably released enough chlorofluorocarbons to rid the world of turtlenecks forever. And, of course, there’s my annual Fourth of July tire fire. Women shed layers two time zones over when I spark that blaze.
May the mercury keep rising. Visions of a Christmas filled with tanned boobs are dancing in my head.
(Transcribed by Dallas Davidson)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
(Reported by Davejames)
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