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9/3/02

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Daily Probe Movie Review
by Alice Higgins


Professor of Wymyn's Studies
University of Toronto



  feardotcom

Rating: 0 stars (out of 5)



There was a very good possibility that this film was going to receive a positive rating, a rarity as you sisters are no doubt aware. However, the prescience of the piece is so startling that the review this week will have to be brief as my hands are trembling too forcefully to type this review.

The premise of feardotcom is generic horror-film fare. There exists the titular website, to which people will go and view disturbing material (classifying it in the 0.05% of websites that are not strictly pornographic). After viewing the site, the victim dies within 48 hours, a victim of his own worst fear.

Despite the technological license taken throughout the film, it wasn't entirely without merit. Stephen Rea stars, and seeing him always brings back memories of a man living through HIS worst nightmare in The Crying Game. And, like Jason X, any movie where men are brutally slaughtered due to their lascivious conduct is always somewhat enjoyable. When you live by the penis, you die by the penis... or whatever else happens to be handy, Lilith-willing.

Upon returning to my office on campus, I was still thinking about this film and trying to grade it. I'd figured I couldn't give it incredibly high marks due to its laughable premise and the fact that it was really just poorly lifted from the Japanese horror classic Ringu. And -- I distinctly remember this -- the thought passed through my head, "Wouldn't it be something if a website, or a film about a website, could cause one's worst nightmare to come true?" It was an intriguing proposition.

Then I opened my door, and my OWN worst nightmare began. There, in my tastefully decorated office, were at least thirty young MEN! All waiting for me!

It seems that my final appeal to the Canadian government has failed, and so due to my "Human Rights Violation" I must hire a disgusting, cock-waving male as my student intern this semester. And these were the applicants.

I have been locked in my office ever since, with the offending members outside waiting on the pretense that I would be calling them in to interview them one at a time. I've been too afraid to open my door since! Not even a lovely cup of chamomile has settled my jangled nerves! Lilith, help me! Save me from the penis horde that awaits me!

As of this writing, I have been in my office for four hours. According to the movie, I have 44 hours remaining of my vigil. All thanks to that BLASTED movie! I'm cursed... CURSED!

My sisters, I have never meant this more than I do right now... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!





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