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9/3/02

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Probe Movie Review
by J.J. Krueger


  xXx


Hey, hey, what's up, kids? Sorry you haven't heard from old JJ in a while but fuck, what a fucking summer! I've totally had the best summer ever because -- check this out -- I got to be a roadie for ClubFist, my total favorite local metal band ever, for fucking three months man! It all totally started in June when I got this call from Gary, who like manages the band, and he tells me that ClubFist was totally invited on the Summer MetalFest III tour, right, and they need a roadie/guitar tech to work it. So he asks me if I wanna do it (if you like remember, I spent a weekend playing cribbage with two of those dudes in jail and they totally thought of me for the job.) So I'm like fuck man, and I tell Gary I'll call him back and I'm thinking how the fuck can I swing this, so I go and talk to Dean, who's everybody's boss at Big Burger, and totally tell him about the call. Dean was super cool about it, which I figured he would be since he like pulled a stint as a roadie for Styx in the '70s, right?

So we talk about it and he figures no problem -- he can just hire some high school kid for the summer to do my job (for cheaper than he has to like pay me) and I can start back up after Labor Day. One quick call later and totally blammo, JJ's a roadie, kids!

I can like sum up my whole like summer experience with the band in one story, totally. I just get done carrying all their shit from the van to the stage, then I set up their rigs and like tune their guitars, and I'm just like hanging out waiting for them to play so I can like carry all their shit back to the van when this hot blonde chick comes up to me and totally says, "Are you with the band?" I play it super cool and totally chat with her and she offers to like give me her phone number if I can get her backstage later, so I'm totally down with it. I can't tell you how many phone numbers I totally got this summer, so I'm figuring if I gotta like travel this year anywhere in like the states I'll totally have some super hot company. At least six or eight of these chicks are roommates too, because their numbers are totally the same, but I'm figuring that's a super big plus. A guy's gotta have priorities and chick roommates are right up there, man. Back at the Big Burger now though, and Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, is still a total bitch.

Anyhow, xXx stars Vin Diesel as some action dude or something, but he sucks total ass. I give it 1 J out of a possible 14 Js. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.


Confidential to Kenny F., Dallas TX: No, I'm totally glad *you* quit reviewing movies, dickwad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





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