Probe Movie Review
by J.J. Krueger
Hey, hey, what's up, kids? Sorry you haven't heard from old JJ in a
while but fuck, what a fucking summer! I've totally had the best
summer ever because -- check this out -- I got to be a roadie for
ClubFist, my total favorite local metal band ever, for fucking three
months man! It all totally started in June when I got this call from
Gary, who like manages the band, and he tells me that ClubFist was totally
invited on the Summer MetalFest III tour, right, and they need a
roadie/guitar tech to work it. So he asks me if I wanna do it (if you
like remember, I spent a weekend playing cribbage with two of those dudes
in jail and they totally thought of me for the job.) So I'm like fuck
man, and I tell Gary I'll call him back and I'm thinking how the fuck can
I swing this, so I go and talk to Dean, who's everybody's boss at Big
Burger, and totally tell him about the call. Dean was super cool about
it, which I figured he would be since he like pulled a stint as a roadie
for Styx in the '70s, right?
So we talk about it and he figures no problem -- he can just hire
some high school kid for the summer to do my job (for cheaper than he has
to like pay me) and I can start back up after Labor Day. One quick call
later and totally blammo, JJ's a roadie, kids!
I can like sum up my whole like summer experience with the band in
one story, totally. I just get done carrying all their shit from the van
to the stage, then I set up their rigs and like tune their guitars, and
I'm just like hanging out waiting for them to play so I can like carry all
their shit back to the van when this hot blonde chick comes up to me and
totally says, "Are you with the band?" I play it super cool and totally
chat with her and she offers to like give me her phone number if I can get
her backstage later, so I'm totally down with it. I can't tell you how
many phone numbers I totally got this summer, so I'm figuring if I gotta
like travel this year anywhere in like the states I'll totally have some
super hot company. At least six or eight of these chicks are roommates
too, because their numbers are totally the same, but I'm figuring that's a
super big plus. A guy's gotta have priorities and chick roommates are
right up there, man. Back at the Big Burger now though, and Karen, the
total bitch I work for at Big Burger, is still a total bitch.
Anyhow, xXx stars Vin Diesel as some action dude or something, but
he sucks total ass. I give it 1 J out of a possible 14 Js. So till
next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Kenny F., Dallas TX: No, I'm totally glad *you* quit
reviewing movies, dickwad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!