September 7, 2005




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September 5-9,
2005


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Today's News


Unemployed Man Welcomes Return of Non-Labor Day


SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) — Out-of-work web developer Gene Mattison paused between spoonfuls of cereal Monday afternoon to reflect on his hectic Labor Day. "The trip to the store to pick-up charcoal nearly did me in," he said. "I'm wrecked." Mattison's 126-day hiatus from all activities unrelated to daytime TV and Twizzlers left him ill-fit for a holiday weekend full of laborious tasks like shaving and leaving his apartment. "Yep, I had to lie down for a solid 10 minutes after rooting through my hamper for a salvageable T-shirt and pair of shorts," said Mattison. "Thankfully, a few spritzes of Febreeze saved me the ordeal of having to shower." Mattison has prescribed himself 14 hours of bed rest and expects to be back in form by Tuesday afternoon for his regular date with The Tony Danza Show.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)




FEMA's Funding Slashed to Improve Response to Katrina

WASHINGTON (DPI) — President Bush, facing blistering criticism for his administration's response to Hurricane Katrina, on Friday called the results "not acceptable." "I don't understand," he said. "FEMA did really well on their standardized emergency response tests, but rules are rules." The emergency agency's unsatisfactory performance automatically triggers Stage Two of the Bush Administration's No Natural Disaster Victim Left Behind Act, a rider tucked away on page 288 of 2001's Patriot Act. In Stage Two of NNDVLB, FEMA's funds are slashed and those moneys are reallocated to more efficient private firms in the disaster recovery industry, such as Halliburton Co., through open-ended, no-bid handshake contracts.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)


Mafiosi to Attend Petroleum Industry Conference

SUGAR LAND, Texas (DPI) — High-ranking members of the East Coast Mafia are planning to attend this year's Petroleum Industry Conference in large numbers, notebooks in hand. "These oil bastards ... they just up and fuckin' raise the price of gas 50 cents a gallon in one fuckin' day, and right after a natural disaster?" said Paulie 'The Chin' Genovese. "That's cold. That is heartless fuckin' extortion — I'm impressed." Genovese said that the Jersey Mob would do well to get back the kind of brash, in-your-face, whatcha-gonna-do-about-it-punk bravado that the petroleum industry exudes today and that he hopes he and the other crime families can pick up pointers at the conference.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Headlines


Rehnquist's Corpse to Stay on Bench Until Replacement Found

Critical Shortage of Jazz Musicians for New Orleans Funerals

Bush Agrees to Release Strategic Oil Reserves... From Iraq

Katrina Fans Still Walking on Sunshine, Corpses

Self-Appointed Zealot Calls for Assassination Of Popularly-Elected Official in Order to Save Democracy, Freedom

Rep. Gary Condit Insists He Had No Role in Levee's Disappearance





In-Depth


Hell Overcrowding Prompts Heaven to Consider Masturbation Sin Downgrade


HELL (DPI) — The underworld is overcrowded, according to the Lord and Prince of Darkness and All Evil in the Universe. "It's crazy down here," said Satan. "There's too many sinners, and there's only so much space, demons and red-hot ass pokers to go around. They're overworked and we're overcrowded and just up to our necks with damned down here." Satan said Hell is becoming crowded with deceased sinners who are being damned for what he calls "piddly little sins" that have no real bearing on the destruction of a man's soul or the fate of the universe. In particular, he cited masturbation, which is still a damnable sin. And for once, Heaven agrees.

"We haven't made a determination yet, but God and his support staff are considering a masturbation sin downgrade," said Pearly Gates spokeswoman Beverly Sims. "Heaven and Hell might be mortal enemies from now until the end of time, but that doesn't mean we can't work together toward our common goals." Sims said the issue is not clear cut, and noted that a complete reversal of the masturbation sin might lead to a future overcrowding problem for Heaven. She said the problem might require breaking down the sin to include factors such as whether the act took place in public or private, the amount of spilled seed, or the age or species of the characters involved in the fantasies that the prompted the act. "The Big Guy doesn't want to say it's either 'damned if you do or damned if you don't,'" Sims said. "Overcrowding is a problem we've had to deal with before, just like the great Meat on Friday Scare of 1958. He doesn't want any more overcrowding problems."


(Reported by Danny Gallagher)



The Daily Probe Interview


This week:
Jesus
     

JC: I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here today ... hee hee ... I've always wanted to say that.

DP: Hundreds of millions of prayers have been uttered, cried, and wailed regarding Hurricane Katrina. We were hoping you could answer at least one of them on the record.

JC: Sure. Anything for My fans.

DP: Why? Why Katrina and why New Orleans?

JC: I suppose this is as good a time as any to let you know once and for all: We don't do weather. That's all science — you know, meteorology, geology, geography, oceanography — that kind of stuff. Not under Our jurisdiction, so to speak.

DP: You're saying God doesn't control the weather?

JC: Are you kidding Me? God is terrible with that kind of thing. Back in Nazareth Elementary, I had to do my own science fair project because Dad couldn't even figure out how to make one of those little baking-soda volcanoes.

DP: So the weather is in no way a manifestation of Your judgment of Earthly conduct?

JC: Correct. Thanks to satellites, radar and all that, weather is largely predictable these days. It clearly falls into the realm of science. If weather was in any way some sort of divine retribution, Al Roker would be pope.

DP: This brings the whole Noah story into question, then.

JC: Noah ... that's a cute story. Fact is, Noah was some whacked-out survivalist type — not unlike those doughy douchebags during the Reagan era who hoarded canned goods and spent weekends in woodland cabins perfecting distillation methods so they could drink their own pee. Noah's dire prediction just happened to come true.

DP: So Noah wasn't Your hand-picked righteous father of the second iteration of humanity?

JC: No way — like I told you, he was nuts. Good guy, but he bounced a lot of reality checks. The bottom line of that whole fable is that a major rainstorm hit a populated area situated below sea level — sound familiar? — and some doom-saying town-crier type built a huge boat, stocked it with provisions, namely animals, and survived.

DP: So if the legend of Noah and all the other natural disasters weren't caused by You, why are they listed as such in the Bible?

JC: Church leaders of the Christian era found the old stories and asked if they could use them for recruiting purposes, so Dad and I cut them a deal — you keep people from being evil and we won't spill the beans about the whole weather/science/not-really-wrath-of-God stuff.

DP: Wouldn't this interview violate your pact, then?

JC: [angry glare] Not as much as church leaders have been violating little boys'...

DP: Fair enough. Thank You, He Who Is The Son Of I Am for taking the time to answer the prevailing prayer of the day in this public forum.

JC: Glad to help. I'm sorry, but every time I think of anything as depraved as that being done in My name, I get terribly angry. While I'm in the neighborhood, do you know where I could find that shit-for-soul Robertson? I've got a score to settle with that ass-clown, too.


(Transcribed by Lars Eisenberg)






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