September 9, 2005
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CURRENT ISSUE Week of September 5-9, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
GOP: Hurricane Relief Failures Are Voters' Fault
NEW ORLEANS (DPI) — In response to harsh criticism over poor coordination of relief efforts after Hurricane Katrina, Republican leaders defended President Bush, blaming American voters for putting Bush in charge. "President Bush may have hired the dismissed head of the Arabian Horse Association to run FEMA, but who hired President Bush?" said House Speaker Dennis Hastert. "It's not like you guys didn't know he was a corrupt idiot." According to Press Secretary Scott McClellan, the White House briefly considered the idea of blaming former President George H.W. Bush and First Lady Barbara Bush for deciding to have children. However, that idea was struck down in favor of a plan to blame the French for selling Louisiana to us in the first place.
(Reported by David Kass)
Nagin, FEMA Blame Each Other for Stinky Bathroom
NEW ORLEANS (DPI) — In the latest controversy to engulf Louisiana in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, both New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and FEMA Director Michael Brown have accused each other of failing to properly warn users of the press briefing area men's room after someone took a huge dump in there this afternoon. "For years I've been telling the federal government that we need a new fan in that men's room," a visibly angry Nagin complained to reporters. "But my pleas fell upon deaf ears. The government can buy a $300-million bridge for Alaska, but I can't even get a little ventilation for my shitter." Brown countered, saying, "The local government officials here have known for several days that the press room cafeteria was going to be serving jambalaya for lunch today. They could have warned the residents of New Orleans that there was going to be some killer stank in there."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Bush Orders Military In to Collect Rehnquist's Body
WASHINGTON (DPI) — Fresh off lessons learned from Hurricane Katrina, President Bush wasted no time in dispatching a military helicopter to retrieve the body of Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist from the Supreme Court's Great Hall on the Lincoln catafalque. "I was told by some sources that the idea was to just let Bill lie there until sometime Wednesday," said a fuming Bush. "What the hell were they waiting for? As an American, and in light of what we've all been through recently, I found that to be unacceptable." The midday retrieval was conducted by an elite team of military specialists and went off without a hitch, save for an incident during which several people, identified by the extraction team as "looters," were shot.
(Reported by Darby Wells)
Headlines
National Guard Plans Massive Ty-D-Bowl Air Drop in New Orleans
Bush Re-Nominates Roberts to Succeed Gilligan
Rove Unzips in Response to Bush's Call for Katrina Probe
Cindy Sheehan: Hey, Over Here! Still Pissed Off!
Art Garfunkel Arrested for Possession of Parsley, Sage
In-Depth
Transcript of Bush/Nagin Conversation
The White House has released this transcript of President Bush's telephone call with New Orleans Mayor Nagin regarding federal relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina:
President Bush: Show you the money.
Mayor Nagin: Oh come on, you can do better than that! I got Tim Russert on the other line, I better hear you say it!
Bush: Show you the money!
Nagin: Not show you — show me the money!
Bush: Show me the money!
Nagin: Yeah, that's it, brother, but you gotta yell that shit!
Bush: Show me the money!
Nagin: Louder!
Bush: SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Nagin: I love black people!
Bush: I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!
(Reported by David Kass)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
Monday 1st August These early-season hurricanes give one pause, do they not? Here I am at the palatial Moth cottage on Tick Island, scratching where one dasn't say, watching the bluff crumble up to the house, the Atlantic wild to present its calling card on a silver salver. There are only a few seasons left before I put in that first faltering call to the FEMA flood claim agency. It certainly puts one in mind of — what is it I'm thinking of? — that Bible story featuring Jael, wife of Heber. And what happened to her is certainly a lesson to us all. Anyhow, here come the hurricanes. Dash it all, I mean to say! Martha Stewart loses her ankle bracelet; Michael prowls his amusement park in an ironically unamused state, wanking noisily, alone, atop the Ferris wheel (the residue falls harmlessly back to earth, for once); Robert Blake, in his grubby undershirt, knocks back an Icehouse lager, fires up a menthol, and rubs footpowder into his hair; OJ and his daughter join hands and hold seances in order to commune with an unimaginably grumpy and terrifyingly alive C. Everett Koop: it's just like the end of the Khan dynasty, is it not? I think I'll travel to western China and put a down payment on one of their many caves and there meditate on my copy of Entertainment Weekly, the only subscription I have decided to keep. I shall keep it until Tom & Katie's golden anniversary. By then some of this nonsense should have blown over. |
(Transcribed by Lars Eisenberg)
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