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Hulk All Talk, No Smash

A guest Probeatorial by

So your major motion picture was directed by an artsy-fartsy auteur and wasn't universally panned by the critics. Big freaking deal. When you get right down to it, the Hulk is all talk and no smash.

Now I don't go around bad-mouthing every green freak who tears up cities at the drop of a hat. In fact, I'm pretty much one of their biggest proponents. I've been known to destroy Tokyo or Manhattan myself on occasion. But what really gets under my scales is when someone's green mouth is bigger then the havoc they wreak, and that's the Hulk to a T.

In this business, you've got the legends: King Kong, Frankenstein's monster, Cthulhu ... these are guys who kill and wreck just for the sheer joy of it. And when they're not bringing down cities or tearing the limbs off people, you just don't hear them blathering on as if people actually care about their motivation. "Oh, boo hoo! I was submitted to gamma rays and my daddy didn't love me and my mommy's dead and I turn into a juggernaut of uncontrollable rage whenever I get a papercut!" Poor baby! You think you've got it bad, Bruce? Some of us are giant monsters all the time, buddy. And you don't hear me crying about how I can't get a table at Chez Chic because I'm 200 feet tall and breathe fire. Sure, maybe I'd like to relax and take a date out to the movies once in a while. But I don't. Why? Because I'M A GIANT FREAK OF TERROR! That's my job. And, unlike some mama-abominations I could name, I don't waste time whining about it. I accept it, embrace it, and do my job to the best of my ability. And that's why I've been the star of over a dozen movies spanning the last 40 years. People don't want to see monsters stand up and recite Shakespeare. They want monsters to tear shit up! This isn't brain surgery, Dr. Banner.

Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole here. You've got the potential to be great. When you do manage to shut your pie-hole and get some destroying done you do some pretty good work. This is just some friendly advice from someone who's been around the block a few times and destroyed it a few more than that: Good monsters don't say "Hulk smash." They just smash.

(Transcribed by R.M. Weiner)

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