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9/7/04

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Ask Zarxnol




The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.


Dear Zarxnol,

My husband and I are at odds with each other as to when we should introduce our 3-year-old Amber to religion. Blake insists we get her into the church programs as quickly as possible, whereas I'm afraid that if we hit her with too many rules too soon she'll become overwhelmed. When do you believe a child should first attend church?

Anxious in Ann Arbor


Anxious:

Few issues are more important than the appropriate time to begin the moral training of a child. Indeed, it is wise of you to ask advice from multiple sources -- since one's religion and one's society are so intertwined, a decision too heavy-handed to one side or the other of the issue may cause a rift requiring many of your lifetimes to heal.

The fact that you have the need to ask this question, however, is very telling. It is telling me your god is weak, irrational, inconsistent, and most likely intangible -- attainable only through stories, church-sponsored intermediaries and prayer. If the god of your faith were real and worthy of your devotion, HE would tell YOU when to start worshipping him!

Fatuous humans! Your modern gods are no more empirically verified than your Tooth Fairy, yet so many of you dedicate years of your life to worship and study of them! You have institutions dedicated to the interpretation of scriptures which, on the surface, are but the fanciful scratchings of primitive society leaders! You glabrous monkeys-in-shoes demand tangible proof for the return of a faulty $3 purchase, yet blindly accept whatever spills out of the mouth of a stranger as most divine, simply because he wears authoritative vestments to services? Astonishing!

Your Roman emperors, though hollow and entirely comical, had the proper idea of a true functioning religion -- your emperor is your god. When your god physically stands before you, there is no dispute as to his likeness. When your god speaks to you in person, no holy men are required for interpretation. If the word of your living god is corrupted, then your god himself is the one who committed the corruption, and that corruption becomes your new covenant! Praise Xargol!

Your Earthly pure-faith religions often involve the interpretation of natural, political, or even meteorological events to determine whether your gods are pleased or angry. Folly! Sheer pomp! When the Holy, Powerful and Most High Xargol personally grabs your scrotum and wrenches it skyward to shoulder height, no room full of old men in funny hats need be consulted to reach the conclusion that you have angered His Omnipotence!

So, Anx, to answer your question, I say indeed, get the little Ious to worship ... at the altar of Xargol! Xargol, the Almighty in Flesh and Blood! Xargol, who is powerful beyond your puny human comprehension! Xargol, Warrior-God of the Highest Holy Order! Xargol, who stretched my nutsac so severely that to this day it remains wrinkle-free!

Indeed! Ann Arbor shall erect the first earthly temple to Xargol, with your Amber Ious as His first Human Priestess! She shall lead your wretched species into the mighty arms of His All-Powerfulness! All Hail Xargol, the Seven-Teated One!

Hail Him! Soon, you will have no choice!

Zarxnol



Dear Zarxnol,

My 12-year-old son has recently started sleeping with Mr. Fiddles, a large, stuffed bunny he used to tote around in his childhood. I wasn't concerned at first, but Mr. Fiddles has recently acquired a certain funk about him, and I've noticed that his fur has a few sticky, stained patches. A little voice in the back of my mind tells me I should be worried about the return of Mr. Fiddles. Am I right? If so, what should I do about it?

Confused in Columbus


Confused:

Truly, this is a situation worthy of attention!

I have studied this Earthly publication called "Playboy," thus I am well-versed in human sexual attraction to the bunny. Yet, Con Jr. is actually mating with of these bunnies at the age of 12? I am incredulous!

That anyone could describe one of these bunnies as "large" or "stuffed" outside of the context of their mammaries smacks of jealousy. Perhaps you, Mr. Fused, are the one about whom there should be concern. Your young son is denting headboards with a pin-up model while you resign yourself to the occasional romp with your wife between furious-yet-lamentable trouser-monkey admonishment sessions -- this is an unkind blow to your masculine dominion, indeed!

Wait ... Knorr the Interpreter informs me that this Mr. Fiddles is a toy rabbit -- not a naked model. That does indeed change things ...

Fused the Younger has succumbed to the condition spielzeugbumsery. To avoid recurrences, I recommend selling all his plush toys on eBay as "gently used." Further, you should then revel in the fact that imbeciles are paying for your son's crusty ejaculate on a bunny.

Now, quit me these trifling botherations! I must locate this Ann Arbor, where I will commence consecration of the Ious Temple of Xargol!

Zarxnol


Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com

(Translated by Carl Knorr)




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