The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
My husband and I are at odds with each other as to when we should
introduce our 3-year-old Amber to religion. Blake insists we get her
into the church programs as quickly as possible, whereas I'm afraid
that if we hit her with too many rules too soon she'll become
overwhelmed. When do you believe a child should first attend church?
Anxious in Ann Arbor
Few issues are more important than the appropriate time to begin the
moral training of a child. Indeed, it is wise of you to ask advice
from multiple sources -- since one's religion and one's society are
so intertwined, a decision too heavy-handed to one side or the other
of the issue may cause a rift requiring many of your lifetimes to heal.
The fact that you have the need to ask this question, however, is
very telling. It is telling me your god is weak, irrational,
inconsistent, and most likely intangible -- attainable only through
stories, church-sponsored intermediaries and prayer. If the god of
your faith were real and worthy of your devotion, HE would tell YOU
when to start worshipping him!
Fatuous humans! Your modern gods are no more empirically verified
than your Tooth Fairy, yet so many of you dedicate years of your life
to worship and study of them! You have institutions dedicated to the
interpretation of scriptures which, on the surface, are but the
fanciful scratchings of primitive society leaders! You glabrous
monkeys-in-shoes demand tangible proof for the return of a faulty
$3 purchase, yet blindly accept whatever spills out of the mouth of a
stranger as most divine, simply because he wears authoritative vestments to
Your Roman emperors, though hollow and entirely comical, had the
proper idea of a true functioning religion -- your emperor is your
god. When your god physically stands before you, there is no dispute
as to his likeness. When your god speaks to you in person, no holy
men are required for interpretation. If the word of your living god
is corrupted, then your god himself is the one who committed the
corruption, and that corruption becomes your new covenant! Praise Xargol!
Your Earthly pure-faith religions often involve the interpretation of
natural, political, or even meteorological events to determine whether
your gods are pleased or angry. Folly! Sheer pomp! When the Holy,
Powerful and Most High Xargol personally grabs your scrotum and
wrenches it skyward to shoulder height, no room full of old men in
funny hats need be consulted to reach the conclusion that you have
angered His Omnipotence!
So, Anx, to answer your question, I say indeed, get the little Ious
to worship ... at the altar of Xargol! Xargol, the Almighty in Flesh
and Blood! Xargol, who is powerful beyond your puny human
comprehension! Xargol, Warrior-God of the Highest Holy Order! Xargol, who
stretched my nutsac so severely that to this day it
Indeed! Ann Arbor shall erect the first earthly temple to Xargol, with your
Amber Ious as His first Human Priestess! She shall lead your wretched
species into the mighty arms of His All-Powerfulness! All Hail Xargol, the
Hail Him! Soon, you will have no choice!
My 12-year-old son has recently started sleeping with Mr. Fiddles, a
large, stuffed bunny he used to tote around in his childhood. I wasn't
concerned at first, but Mr. Fiddles has recently acquired a certain funk
about him, and I've noticed that his fur has a few sticky, stained patches.
A little voice in the back of my mind tells me I should be worried about
the return of Mr. Fiddles. Am I right? If so, what should I do about it?
Confused in Columbus
Truly, this is a situation worthy of attention!
I have studied this Earthly publication called "Playboy," thus I am
well-versed in human sexual attraction to the bunny. Yet, Con Jr. is
actually mating with of these bunnies at the age of 12? I am incredulous!
That anyone could describe one of these bunnies as "large" or "stuffed"
outside of the context of their mammaries smacks of jealousy. Perhaps you,
Mr. Fused, are the one about whom there should be concern. Your young son
is denting headboards with a pin-up model while you resign yourself to the
occasional romp with your wife between furious-yet-lamentable
trouser-monkey admonishment sessions -- this is an unkind blow to your
masculine dominion, indeed!
Wait ... Knorr the Interpreter informs me that this Mr. Fiddles is a
toy rabbit -- not a naked model. That does indeed change things ...
Fused the Younger has succumbed to the condition spielzeugbumsery.
To avoid recurrences, I recommend selling all his plush toys on eBay
as "gently used." Further, you should then revel in the fact that
imbeciles are paying for your son's crusty ejaculate on a bunny.
Now, quit me these trifling botherations! I must locate this Ann Arbor,
where I will commence consecration of the Ious Temple of Xargol!
(Translated by Carl Knorr)