CURRENT ISSUE 9/10/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: American Idol Contestants Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto Report from the Toronto International Film Festival Duty calls, sisters! Because of my stature in the city, and my employment as a "critic" of "film" with this wretched "website", it is with a "heavy heart" that I must temporarily suspend the viewing of the usual faecal matter that Ball-ywood churns out of its intestines to report on the more mature film "art" that tends to predominate this type of event. For those not familiar, the Toronto International Film Festival is widely considered to be the greatest, most prestigious festival outside the flesh-fest that is Cannes. Previous high-profile and award-winning titles to make their debut at the festival include Training Day (a phallus-fest if ever I've seen one!) and American Beauty (Which should have been called American Booty). To be honest, it's kind of like going to a buffet restaurant which features international cuisine, only to realize that each selection in front of you features nothing but excretia, and excretia from several different countries. Plus, it gives me a chance to get away from the disgusting cock-wavers who are trying to ply me for course credit acting as my intern (thank you once again, government of Canada.) I'd honestly hoped going into this that I'd be pleasantly surprised. Below, please find my reviews of the films I've seen so far. Ararat (Bruce Greenwood, Arsinee Kharnijan): Crap The Heart Of Me (Paul Bettany, Helena Bonham Carter): Crap White Oleander (Michelle Pfeiffer): Crap The Good Thief (Nick Nolte): Crap Personal Velocity (Kyra Sedgwick): Crap Welcome To Collinwood (George Clooney): Crap Auto Focus (Greg Kinnear): Crap Bubba Ho-Tep (Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis): Pseudo-revisionist crap. Days Of Heaven (Richard Gere): Crap with a subtle aroma of cedar chips Bowling For Columbine (Michael Moore): Leftist poseur crap I believe my point has been made. Once again, my sisters, you have been warned!
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