CURRENT ISSUE 9/10/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: American Idol Contestants Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	A Conversation with Marlon Brando by J.J. Krueger JJ: OK, so hey Mr. Brando. Like how are you doing today? Marlon Brando: You know, I'm really quite uncomfortable right now. This humidity is simply outrageous. It's as if I'm covered in a thin film of some sort of mixture of gelatin and toothpaste. Mint toothpaste. JJ: Ok, so, you were totally in tons of movies, right? MB: You could say I have been in many films, young man, yes, you could say it without it being some sort of hideous exaggeration or some kind of deceptive ploy. I simply must say, your hair is remarkable. JJ: Huh? My hair? MB: Yes, it's really quite extraordinary. It reminds me of Venice. JJ: Like Venice in Europe or wherever? MB: Of course, that sort of neo-pagan aspect where one doesn't simply exist in the world in some complacent sort of manner. Instead it's as if you choose to be in the world rather than simply exist. It's striking. I really can't say enough about it. JJ: Ok, whatever... MB: I knew this Filipino living in Indonesia once, a darling lightish-brown fellow named Paulo or Rudolpho or Randolpho, I can't be sure which is correct. I was having intense headaches at the time and he would find me fresh peaches and tomato paste. He gave me some sort of locally-produced poultice which he claimed would assist me, but all I could think to myself was, "Why would I want to do that? That would be like putting worms in my trousers." But it was really quite remarkable, you should try it sometime. JJ: Naw, man, I just smoke weed for headaches. Hey, do you like want a bong hit? MB: You're very kind, but I try to avoid such fiddle-faddle. It distracts me and causes tension behind my eyes and nasal passages. You know the feeling where it's as if you're falling, falling through the sky, all the while through a thick cloud cover? JJ: Um, nope. You're totally a weirdo, huh? MB: I prefer to think of myself as an aspect or, you could say, a reverse representation of modernity. JJ: What the fuck does that mean, dude? MB: Whenever I think of ants, I think of the order they live by. They seem to know their jobs without ever having those duties spelled out for them such as most people, everyday people on the street, seem to require. I can't mold myself to the everyday demands of society in a manner such as this. It's like texture, texture is unbelievably important to me. They say only God can make a tree, but I've managed to make three myself -- they're on my island. You should join me for lunch sometime, perhaps a nice brunch sometime in Bali with my good friend Ben Gazarra. JJ: Um, OK, thanks a lot for like your time, Mr. Brando. MB: Not at all. May I kiss you? JJ: No fucking way, man.
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