September 12, 2005
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
New Orleans Hurricane Victims Horrified to Learn of Harry Connick Jr.'s Survival
NEW ORLEANS (DPI) — Survivors of Hurricane Katrina have perservered despite losing their homes, jobs, and their loved ones. But as locals learned that the cruel storm had left Harry Connick Jr., New Orleans' most famous crappy musician, alive and well, many considered it to be the proverbial straw that broke the back of this suffering city. "I spent five days stranded on top of my roof last week without food or water," said 38-year old Lawrence Leroux. "The only thing that kept me going was the hope that the damn hurricane had taken out that lame-assed, lily-white poser. I can handle the fact that I lost everything I own, but this is just too much to bear." The development left pediatric nurse Jennifer Myers questioning her faith. "New Orleans used to be famous for Louis Armstrong and Fats Domino," she said. "Now, we're known for that no-talent pseudo-Sinatra wannabe. How could a kind and merciful God allow him to live? Haven't we suffered enough?"
(Reported by Miles Walker)
NASA Sends Grounded Shuttles to Hangar Without Dinner
HOUSTON (DPI) — NASA administrators this morning announced the grounding of the space shuttle fleet until further notice. "If they can't follow the rules, then they need to be punished, so they're grounded," said space agency spokesman Carl Clayton. "We've warned them before. They don't clean up their mess, they constantly stay out without calling way after their curfew, and just yesterday, we saw a monitor on in the cockpit of Atlantis well beyond lights out. And suddenly Endeavor has a cursing problem. But the main problem is their falling grades. So we've grounded them all until they learn there are rules to be followed. We thought about a good spanking, but the logistics were too difficult to work out."
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Center For Intelligent Design Collapses due to Faulty Blueprints
NEW YORK (DPI) — Poor design was cited as the reason for the collapse this morning of the building that houses the Center for Intelligent Design. "What did you expect?" said Bob Simmons, chief architect of the building. "These people wouldn't let us use calculators. We had to use a two-story abacus just to calculate pi. When it came to load-supporting walls, the center was counting on heavenly support instead of concrete and steel, like they should have. Half of the measurements were in something called 'cubits' and the other half were in rods. But they kept changing the rod's length like Indiana Jones in the map room." Another cause of the collapse was the hill upon which the Center was built. "Yeah, we had to use the Flat Earth Theory and pretend the hill wasn't even there," said Simmons. "This debacle was just a matter of time." When asked what the center could have done differently to avoid the tragedy, Simmons replied, "They just weren't too sure of the law of gravity either. I think this settles this case."
(Reported by Rick Sabian)
Headlines
New Orleans Water Ruled Safe if Taken with Rye Chaser
iPod Nano: Enabling Convicts to Smuggle 1,000 Songs Up Their Asses
Google Offers $3 Billion for Everyone's Wives
Apparently, Deaths And Bombings Have Ceased In Iraq
Indecent Exposure Trial Ends in Well Hung Jury
Cadillac Recalls 40,000 Escalades for Insufficient Bling
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
Ask Zarxnol
Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. |
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Dear Zarxnol, We are being pressured to leave our son in his preschool cooperative even though he doesn't feel comfortable. Either my husband or I had been staying there with him every day for the whole class for many weeks. In a recent group meeting, however, our "parent educator" from the community college passed out a study showing that "fearful" children who were "coddled" remained fearful, but "fearful" children who were handled "firmly and emphatically" went on to develop more self-confidence. The way our son frets and carries on when he's there without us, however, makes me disagree. Who is right? Uneasy in Utica Uneasy: Your question is indeed a complex one, and can only be answered when put into perspective. Your Perspective: You are right. You are always right, just ask you. Scientific studies, mountains of empirical evidence to the contrary, and the cold grip of reality squeezing your proverbial genitals like a funky flesh koosh ball be damned — Ms. Un W. Easy of Utica is right. You vomitous egocentric human filth, Un! The mere thought of such unjustified hubris propels my lunchtime Spaghetti-O's up into the nether recesses of my throat! The "Parent Educator's" Perspective: He has tried the gentle and diplomatic approaches. He has tried the scientific approach. At this point he must decide whether the future of your child is worth the effort of legal action against your pathetic protective pampering parenthood. If your "parent educator" is a typical human, he will conclude that his pay does not differ whether he wipes out 12 fecally-caked child anuses each day or 11, and yield to your albeit contemptible discretion as his genetic forbears just to rid himself of the hassle. Your Son's Perspective: You must stay in the group. You must stay each day, all day. Your servile presence, your incessant clamoring to respond to his every banal desire is his only display of power to the other urchins of Utican Toddleria. Your son, the master parental pianist, is nothing without his craven creator kinsmen to serve as his instrument. Absent this overt spectacle of absolute control over substantial subjects, L'il Easy is forced to stand on his own merits among the tribe of tots which given his progenitorial material would be shamefully scanty indeed. So you see, Un, when all perspectives are taken into consideration, you should indeed stay in day care with your son. Stay in day care with him eternally — do not even enter him into a school when he comes of age. This sense of superiority he enjoys — nay, requires — at age 3 is destined to be his only spiritual sustenance. Yes, let L'il Easy grow up in day care with you, his rapidly aging and increasingly inherently valueless parents, serving his every whim. It is the nearest that any of the Utica Easys will ever come to the sensation that is true dominion. Until, of course, the day my Armies From the Sea rise to subjugate humanity to the might and glory of Xargol the Seven-Teated One at my merciless imperial hand. Be gone, upright cattle! Regards, Zarxnol |
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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