September 14, 2005
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CURRENT ISSUE Week of September 12-16, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Katrina Response: Bush Sends Troops to Atlantic Ocean
WASHINGTON (DPI) — President Bush today deployed 40,000 soldiers to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in response to the events of 8/29. "We're gonna fight these storms over there so we don't have to fight 'em here," said Bush. The president has called for "regime change" for bodies of water that harbor tropical depressions, which he termed WMD: weather of mass destruction. The president also urged Americans not to seek revenge, adding "Most Katrinas are peace-loving. I went to school with a Katrina and I still consider her my friend." Mexico, Cuba, Haiti, Honduras, and the Dominican Republic were also expected to contribute resources to what the president called "the coalition of the damp."
(Reported by Bill Muse)
Third World Sees New Orleans Chaos, Shrugs
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (DPI) — As the devastation and social chaos left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina continue to be broadcast around the globe, much of the world is responding with a sigh of recognition. "Oppressive heat, no electricity, no running water, isolation from the developed world, lawless gunmen in control, feces and corpses piled on the sidewalks — yeah, that sounds about right," said Henri Critianne, a lifelong resident of Haiti's capital. Critianne acknowledged that New Orleans is a lot more flooded than Haiti, thus his heart goes out to those New Orleanians who suffer from mold and mildew allergies.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
Ask the Penthouse Grammarian
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Dear Penthouse Grammarian: Which is correct: "A wad of cum-laden Kleenex" or "A cum- laden wad of Kleenex"? Flushed in Flushing Flushed: Neither form is correct. As a trademark, the word Kleenex should always be followed by a superscript "TM", like this: KleenexTM. The Penthouse Grammarian |
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Dear PG:
Lately, my boyfriend has become obsessed with your column. Sometimes, when I am pleasuring his engorged tool, I have seen him using his index finger to diagram imaginary sentences. Lately, he's even begun to experiment with verb forms. What should I do? Puzzled in Poughkeepsie PP: Language can be important in bed — particularly verbs. I suggest you allow him to enjoy his conjugal bliss. It might lead to a mind-blowing declension. The Penthouse Grammarian |
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Yo, PG!
I am a college sophomore rushing a co-ed fraternity. The other day, I was in a group scene with four upper-class men, including the rush chairman. While we were all in a sweaty, writhing pile, he asked whether I do it Greek. Because I am primarily familiar with Latin roots and conjugations, I demurred. To increase my chances of getting into the fraternity, should I have told him I could do Greek, even without experience? Kappa Gamma Wannabe KGW: I believe you will find your answer in any common English dictionary next to the word "slut." The Penthouse Grammarian |
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Dear Penthouse Grammarian:
When my girlfriend is about to have an orgasm, she sometimes shouts "ohbabyohbabyohbaby" as if it were all one word, without punctuation or spacing. So far, I have refrained from pointing this out, but it seems incorrect. Should I mention it later? Brian Brian: I have two observations on this important lexicographical point. First, you should consider it rewarding that she does not say "ohbabyohbabyohChris" or some such other name, yes? And second, the only missing punctuation that matters in sex is the period. The Penthouse Grammarian |
(Transcribed by Neil Chandler)
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