CURRENT ISSUE 9/14/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Musing With Mitch Probe Interview Probe Poll Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Perfectly Nice Party Spoiled by Guitar-Bearing Guest JOHNSONVILLE, Ohio (DPI) - Despite weeks of careful planning, Larry and Meghan Miller's really cool party last Saturday was ruined when a guest unexpectedly brought along an acoustic guitar. At first, Larry blamed his wife, saying, "My God, why did you ask Annie to bring that thing? There's nothing in heaven or on earth that will kill a party quicker than some badlybplayed folk music." Meghan denied her husband's accusation. "She told me she was taking lessons so I told her it would be nice to hear play sometime," she said. "I was just trying to be polite, and i *certainly* didn't think that she would interpret that to mean 'Bring the goddamn thing to our party.'" As the guests were appreciating the Millers' carefully prepared Caribbean foods washed down with Larry's popular top-shelf margaritas, the '70s-era Earth, Wind and Fire music that everyone was enjoying was abruptly cut off mid-song. This was promptly followed by another irritation, as Annie Potter's friend Jennifer ordered the other guests to stop talking so they could all listen. As the guests reluctantly but politely circled around her, Potter opened up a cardboard guitar case plastered with music store stickers and pulled out her $89 Korean-made steel string guitar. Enhancing he collective awkwardness, Potter spent the next few minutes unsuccessfully attempting to tune the shitbox with a pitchpipe. Following a three-minute statement about how the next song had gotten her through "some very tough times," Potter then launched into a somewhat out-of-tune and ametrical version of Dust in the Wind. "Sweet Jesus, that's not what I think it is, is it?" whispered Larry. "Doesn't she know that song has been in heavy rotation on every soft rock radio station in the country for the past 30 fucking years?" Like an amputation without anesthesia, the agony only worsened for the other guests as Potter asked everybody to join hands and "sing the violin part." As she concluded the performance that caused even the atheists in the crowd to pray to God for a quick, merciful death, the guests offered obligatory mild applause. Most of them then mumbled something to their friends or significant others about needing another drink, to use the bathroom, or to go outside for a smoke. (Reported by Miles Walker)
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