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9/14/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Musing With Mitch Probe Interview Probe Poll Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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North Korean Explosions Intended to Quell "Zombie Attack" SEOUL, South Korea (DPI) - North Korean Foreign Minister Paek Nam-Sun and several defense officials claim the explosion and mushroom cloud spotted last Thursday was to destroy a zombie outbreak, which occurred near the village of Everett after some plucky teenagers unearthed a nerve gas causing the dead to rise and walk again. Nam-Sun said the explosion was not a test of their nuclear capabilities, but only an internal military action to stop the zombies from spreading. "This was not a pre-emptive strike against anyone or retaliation for any subsequent military actions," Nam-Sun said. "Unless you count the zombies." (Reported by Danny Gallagher) Kerry Announces Plan to Tax Campaign Contributors COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - In a surprise move, John Kerry said anyone "rich enough to contribute money to my campaign" would pay higher taxes under his latest economic plan. "After the election, we'll get the donation records from the Bush campaign, too, but at the moment we can only promise to tax those who donate to us," said Kerry campaign spokesman David Wade. Speaking to a rapidly emptying room, vice presidential candidate John Edwards clarified the plan, saying, "If you're rich enough to donate money, you can give more. If you're rich enough to take two hours off from work to be here right now, then you can give more." (Reported by Mark Schmidt) Strange "Penis-less" Man Found ANN ARBOR, Mich. (DPI) - Researchers at the University of Michigan are examining a recently discovered organism that could have massive implications for humankind: a slightly shorter specimen of a human with absolutely no penis at all. "We at first thought it to be a hoax," said Dr. Zhao Shen, who is leading the investigation. "But blood tests show this individual to be a human, just with a smaller waist, shapelier legs and long hair." The specimen, nicknamed "Barbara," was discovered in a restaurant in New Mexico, where he was working as a waitress, unnoticed among the regular penis-bearing human community. Said Dr. Reid Abel, Dean of the School of Social Sciences, "We intend to continue to collect data on this man's characteristics, including his high-pitched voice, protruding chest and aversion to using gas station restrooms." (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) |
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 Now-Sober Dan Rather Admits to Just Making Up Shit New Zealand to Remove Both of Its Iraqi Soldiers Cheney: "Vote for Us or I'll Kill You Myself" Ivan Fallout Has Cuban Refugees Wading Ashore in Tennessee Kerry Thanks Bush, Requests Another Nader Struggles to Win Place on Subway Car Jart-Wielding Thugs Protest Assault Weapon Ban Sue Grafton Pens S Is for 'Shit, I've Only Got Seven Letters Left' Keyes Aligns With Whitey Mysterious White Powder Found on Bush's Surrealistic Pillow Album 
Perfectly Nice Party Spoiled by Guitar-Bearing Guest  Tell Me Again About the Quack Choices I Am Morally Obligated to Nail Your Wife  Man's Life a Living Heck SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - While millions worldwide wallow in the hell of mass starvation and disease, bank officer Gerry Bremend today is suffering through the living heck of heartburn. "This happens each time I eat pepperoni," said Bremend, who earlier reported a "moderately uncomfortable" feeling in his stomach. Bremend is currently contemplating walking two blocks down Montgomery Street to buy some antacid, but he remembered that the elevator in his building is being repaired and he'd have to take the stairs from his third floor office. "This is complete heck," said Bremend, who also just last week got a parking ticket. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Swift Car Drivers for Truth Unveil Conclusive Kerry/Gordon Photo 
DAYTON, Ohio (DPI) - Swift Car Drivers for Truth, a group
of NASCAR fans who wish to set the record straight on
presidential candidate John Kerry's racing past,
unveiled photos they say will prove their claims.
The photos show a joyful Jeff Gordon celebrating his
first-ever Daytona 500 win with an equally thrilled John Kerry,
who worked in Team Gordon's pit during the race. "People think
George Bush supports NASCAR more than Kerry just because the
media plays him out to be a good ol' boy," said group leader
John McTiernan. "Actually, the opposite is true."
The group's recent efforts were to counter negative ads being produced
and aired by conservative group Really Fast Race Car Drivers
Who Never Lie. Those ads claim Kerry had consistently exaggerated
his racing involvement, and feature interviews with veteran drivers
who say Kerry actually didn't participate in the Daytona 500, but
rather the Massachusetts Mower-Racing Association's state championship.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher, Graphic by Kevin Wickart) Fantasy Footballer Dreams Ricky Back to the Dolphins MIAMI (DPI) - David Lipton's fantasy football team is the one in which Ricky Williams laid off the marijuana and led the league in rushing for the Miami Dolphins. Lipton's fantasy also includes a version of events in which the Dolphins' top off-season acquisition, David Boston, did not receive a season-ending injury, and Pro-Bowl defensive end, Adawale Ogunleye, accepted the Dolphins' contract offer. Explained Lipton, "Sometimes I have this fantasy in which Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feely both play like Dan Marino, who, by the way, didn't quit his front-office job two weeks after taking it." Lipton's team temporarily suspends operations each morning when his clock radio goes off. (Reported by Slick Sharkey) |
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 | Bush: Zell Miller Proves Democrats Are Flip-Floppers Who Can't Be Trusted | ||
| Governors Receive Suspicious Letters Claiming They "May Have Already Won a Million Dollars!!!" | ||
| New Town's Naming of "First Street" Way Too Optimistic | ||
| Cubs Fans Don Swimsuits in Anticipation of Annual September Dive | ||
| Swift Boat Veterans for Groceries: Kerry Exceeded 15-Item Limit at Express Check-Out | ||
| Hastert Pins Pelosi | ||
| Pat Robertson Claims God Sent Hurricane to GayMen Islands | ||
| Cheney: We're Your Only Hope for Surviving a Giant Meteor Impact | ||
| Barely Legal Women Gymnasts Get Own Web Sites in Record Time | ||
| Recent Study Finds Jack Shit in Way of Anything Useful | ||
| Cheney's Dome to be Buffed for Debates | ||
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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