Bush Pledges Federal Dollars for Swing-State Hurricane Victims
SCRANTON, Pa. (DPI) - President Bush promised $3.4 billion in federal relief today for
states that were or weren't devastated from hurricane
damage. Remarkably, over 80 percent of these funds will be given to
Pennsylvania and Ohio, states that were only slightly dampened by
Hurricane Frances. The president justified the aid, claiming that
merely seeing the damage in Florida wrought by Frances on television
or hearing about it from a co-worker had "caused immeasurable psychological
trauma to millions of registered voters" in the two swing states.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Kerry, Edwards Look to New Campaign Consultant for Help
Swift Boat Vets: JFK "Pansy"; Dallas Wounds "Not That Bad"
BOSTON (DPI) - Swift Boat Veterans for Truth continued their
attack upon Democratic politicians who were wounded while
serving their country, claiming that President John F. Kennedy's
assassination consisted of "superficial wounds." According to
Swift Boat spokesman Van Odell, "I knew guys in Nam who got shot
five or six times and signed up for another tour of duty. But
that candy-ass Kennedy takes a few slugs and he flops over like a
sack of potatoes." Odell said that the group is seeking to have the
eternal flame at Kennedy's grave extinguished as well.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
North Korean Explosions Intended to Quell "Zombie Attack"
SEOUL, South Korea (DPI) - North Korean Foreign Minister Paek Nam-Sun and several
defense officials claim the explosion and mushroom cloud
spotted last Thursday was to destroy a zombie outbreak, which occurred
near the village of Everett after some plucky teenagers unearthed a
nerve gas causing the dead to rise and walk again. Nam-Sun said the
explosion was not a test of their nuclear capabilities, but only an
internal military action to stop the zombies from spreading. "This
was not a pre-emptive strike against anyone or retaliation for any
subsequent military actions," Nam-Sun said. "Unless you count the zombies."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Kerry Announces Plan to Tax Campaign Contributors
COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - In a surprise move, John Kerry said anyone "rich
enough to contribute money to my campaign" would pay higher taxes under his
latest economic plan. "After the election, we'll get the donation records
from the Bush campaign, too, but at the moment we can only promise to tax
those who donate to us," said Kerry campaign spokesman David Wade. Speaking
to a rapidly emptying room, vice presidential candidate John Edwards
clarified the plan, saying, "If you're rich enough to donate money, you can
give more. If you're rich enough to take two hours off from work to be here
right now, then you can give more."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Strange "Penis-less" Man Found
ANN ARBOR, Mich. (DPI) - Researchers at the University
of Michigan are examining a recently discovered
organism that could have massive implications for
humankind: a slightly shorter specimen of a human
with absolutely no penis at all. "We at first thought
it to be a hoax," said Dr. Zhao Shen, who is leading
the investigation. "But blood tests show this
individual to be a human, just with a smaller waist,
shapelier legs and long hair." The specimen, nicknamed
"Barbara," was discovered in a restaurant in New
Mexico, where he was working as a waitress, unnoticed
among the regular penis-bearing human community. Said
Dr. Reid Abel, Dean of the School of Social Sciences,
"We intend to continue to collect data on this man's
characteristics, including his high-pitched voice,
protruding chest and aversion to using gas station restrooms."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Now-Sober Dan Rather Admits to Just Making Up Shit
New Zealand to Remove Both of Its Iraqi Soldiers
Cheney: "Vote for Us or I'll Kill You Myself"
Ivan Fallout Has Cuban Refugees Wading Ashore in Tennessee
Kerry Thanks Bush, Requests Another
Nader Struggles to Win Place on Subway Car
Jart-Wielding Thugs Protest Assault Weapon Ban
Sue Grafton Pens S Is for 'Shit, I've Only Got Seven Letters Left'
Keyes Aligns With Whitey
Mysterious White Powder Found on Bush's Surrealistic Pillow Album
Perfectly Nice Party Spoiled by Guitar-Bearing Guest
Tell Me Again About the Quack Choices
I Am Morally Obligated to Nail Your Wife
Man's Life a Living Heck
SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - While millions worldwide wallow
in the hell of mass starvation and disease, bank
officer Gerry Bremend today is suffering through the
living heck of heartburn. "This happens each time I
eat pepperoni," said Bremend, who earlier reported a
"moderately uncomfortable" feeling in his stomach.
Bremend is currently contemplating walking two blocks
down Montgomery Street to buy some antacid, but he
remembered that the elevator in his building is being
repaired and he'd have to take the stairs from his
third floor office. "This is complete heck," said
Bremend, who also just last week got a parking ticket.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Swift Car Drivers for Truth Unveil Conclusive Kerry/Gordon Photo
DAYTON, Ohio (DPI) - Swift Car Drivers for Truth, a group
of NASCAR fans who wish to set the record straight on
presidential candidate John Kerry's racing past,
unveiled photos they say will prove their claims.
The photos show a joyful Jeff Gordon celebrating his
first-ever Daytona 500 win with an equally thrilled John Kerry,
who worked in Team Gordon's pit during the race. "People think
George Bush supports NASCAR more than Kerry just because the
media plays him out to be a good ol' boy," said group leader
John McTiernan. "Actually, the opposite is true."
The group's recent efforts were to counter negative ads being produced
and aired by conservative group Really Fast Race Car Drivers
Who Never Lie. Those ads claim Kerry had consistently exaggerated
his racing involvement, and feature interviews with veteran drivers
who say Kerry actually didn't participate in the Daytona 500, but
rather the Massachusetts Mower-Racing Association's state championship.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher, Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
Fantasy Footballer Dreams Ricky Back to the Dolphins
MIAMI (DPI) - David Lipton's fantasy football team is
the one in which Ricky Williams laid off the marijuana
and led the league in rushing for the Miami Dolphins.
Lipton's fantasy also includes a version of events in
which the Dolphins' top off-season acquisition, David
Boston, did not receive a season-ending injury, and
Pro-Bowl defensive end, Adawale Ogunleye, accepted the
Dolphins' contract offer. Explained Lipton,
"Sometimes I have this fantasy in which Jay Fiedler
and A.J. Feely both play like Dan Marino, who, by the
way, didn't quit his front-office job two weeks after
taking it." Lipton's team temporarily suspends operations
each morning when his clock radio goes off.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)